Sometimes when we're out with friends and I say something goofy or funny, he gives me "looks" and later tells me that I'm embarrassing to him. When I try to explain how I feel, he tells me that I'm having a "pity party" for myself. I don't know how else to explain my feelings to him. He is pushing for me to either get a new job or go back to school so that I can have a "career" and not just a "job". This makes me feel like he doesn't respect what I do or who I have worked to be, but when I try to tell him how I feel, it goes back to the whole "pity party" thing. What can I do?
2007-01-21 15:41:12 · 21 answers · asked by LAB03 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
We are newlyweds....I have a Bachelors Degree in Psychology. I do respect myself, but when someone you love, and you think loves you says things like that, then I guess you start to question yourself.
2007-01-21 15:54:04 · update #1
Welcome to my world. I'm trying to figure out what to do myself. My husband has never told me I was embarrassing him, but he doesn't seem to like a lot of the things that made/make me me. We had the exact same job issue. I left the field I was working in and haven't been happy at a job since. When I finally tell him how I feel, He does the same thing. Makes comments about how it all about me. That really pisses me off since in all honesty, it's hardly ever about me.
I don't have any advise, but just know you're not alone. Ok, maybe one piece of advise. Going back to school isn't such a bad idea. Then you can get a really great paying job and earn more than he does. Then you will feel more secure in telling him to see the error of his ways and correct himself, or he can get the hell out!
2007-01-21 16:20:36 · answer #1 · answered by jessiclause 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Try to talke to him at his level. Becuase it seems that you both are having a communication issue with each other. Tell him to tell you what he wants from you, don't let him get to you by saying you are having a "pity party" come on now what the hell is that. Tell him what exactly is the issue, is it because you are saying goofy stuff tell him next time since you are such an embarrasment to him in front of his friends then don't have them around you since his "reputation" with his friends is more important than his wife's feelings. My advice to you is you can do one of two things sit by and just let him keep putting you daonw like he is or tell him how you feel about what he is doing. If he ignores you then bring it up one more time after that give him the cold shoulder because if he can't listen to his wife when she is trying to let him know how she feels then he shouldn't be having any husband perks.
2007-01-22 04:43:19 · answer #2 · answered by Dark magician Gurl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like words he was told when he was growing up. We often don't realize how much our up-bringing affects us. He's treating you the way he is/was treated. That's my feeling.
We all make public gaffs. I'm sure he's not perfect either. You sound puzzled more than hurt. Perhaps the best thing you can say in a situation like that is: "I'm sorry that you feel that way. You must have felt pretty awkward. I kinda did too. What do you suppose we could do differently next time? When so and so says such and such, I feel an urge to say so and so. It just reminds me of..."
In this way, you have expressed your feelings and not belittled his feelings. You have created a possible future scenario that would be something to look forward to. You ask for his advice, and then explain some of what motivates you. It sounds less than "pity party-ish".
2007-01-21 23:54:47 · answer #3 · answered by Shinigami 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
maybe he's just looking out for you. He probably wants you to do better in life. A career is a lot better than a job. He wants to see you succeed & not be stuck at a dead beat job. Anyone who advises you to go back to school really cares about you. He's looking towards the future, you should do the same & start taking life seriously. If he gives you looks & tells you that you embarass him, then you both are not really seeing eye to eye on things. He seems more of the serious type & you seem more of the joking, goofy, funny type who likes to party. It's o.k. to party, joke, be goofy & funny but when someone adds that you need a career, you should listen & do something about it. They are ringing a bell in your face about your future. Your husband reminding you about bettering your life is a sign that he cares & wants to see you succeed in life. Life is NOT always about parties, joking, being funny & goofy because if you don't listen to him, and your life starts falling apart, then you won't find yourself laughing & being goofy anymore.
2007-01-21 23:52:27 · answer #4 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What a jerk. Maybe you should ask why he even married you in the first place. I would start doing more things for yourself. Go back to school. Get other friends and interests. Spend as little time with him as possible. Make him feel like you don't really need him anymore. When he complains, ask him "why the pity party?"
2007-01-21 23:46:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
He's a jerk! believe me my man has given me the look as well he's just being a jerk. When my husband gives me the look or does that kicking thing under the table. I like to ask every one at the table If I have disgraced or said something to offend them in any way. I think your husband is to worried about what others think and that's basically HIS PROBLEM. The next time he gives you a LOOK. Ask him If he's okay, or did he get something in his eye. You gotta make him see how ridiculous he's being. Not that it will change his childish behavior but he'll eventually stop with his stupid looks.
You know this is a really bad sign. If your husband is not listening NOW! believe me and this is from experience, he will never listen. He's not giving you room to express how you feel. And he's trying to make you FEEL BAD about who you are. Don't fall for that crap. It's a control thing.
2007-01-22 00:35:24 · answer #6 · answered by SecretFriend 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all your hubby has some controll issuse and the only issue i think you have is that you let him get away with it. If this is a new development in the relationship try your best to get him to listen to you . Drastic measures or what ever. If he was treating you this way since you two met then you are on your own cause you knew what you were getting into. Marriage dosent change men, nothing dose!! Next time he complains about ANYTHING throw the 'pitty party" B.S. right back in his face and seee how much he appreciates it. Get your power back, its the only way you are goingt o get anywhere!!
2007-01-22 00:13:25 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I can imagine you having a baby with this man and him wanting you to dump that child in day care cause he thinks earning money is more important than...anything.
He doesn't sound like a nice man, he sounds shallow. Or maybe incredibly insecure.
If he loved you, he'd find the funny or goofy thing you say endearing. If he loved you and cared about your development, he might want you to go back to school for your own interests and self. But, he seems to use this suggestion as a way to put you down, not help you.
How dare he say you're having a pity party when you try to tell him about your feelings.
If he is like the man you describe, he sounds like a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder - in other words, someone who sees only himself, cares only for himself. He cares how he looks to others, but not how his own wife feels. ugh.
2007-01-21 23:53:11 · answer #8 · answered by t jefferson 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you embarrass him... Why is he ashamed of you? If he will not talk and tell you why then i sure can understand why you are so frustrated and bothered by this. Only go back to school if you want to or get a new job only if you want to... Basically he should be the sole bread winner in the house and if he is not then he is not doing his job right if you know what i mean. Sounds like you may need marriage counseling.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
2007-01-21 23:48:31 · answer #9 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if you enjoy this treatment then stay with him. Even if you did get another job he find something else to nag at. And to not even validate your feelings by saying " pity-party " is very unhealthy. It sounds like you like who you are now and thats great, you sound like somebody a lot of people would like........Just the way you are.
2007-01-22 00:16:48 · answer #10 · answered by The Angry Stick Man 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋