What is fair in a 8 yr marriage with no kids? My wife complains that I control her via money. I pay all expenses and pay her bills and give her spending cash. I also paid for her graduate school. I tell her that I do not want to controll her but i will not give her access to my personal bank accounts or contibute to a joint account until she works..Is this fair?
2007-01-21 15:23:11 · 29 answers · asked by corporatetrade 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Interesting answers so far.. Re: Housework, shopping etc. I do over 50%..We do travel and do stuff. I don't tell her what she can and she can't buy.. My feelin is that as a partner, regardless of my earnings she should help in some material way with the household. If there was children involved, I would be more open to a "partnership". In the past when we had joint credit cards and joint money, she spent without consideration to my needs or wants.. If she wants to be a "partner" then she need to work or have kid? Am I fooling myself?
2007-01-21 15:38:01 · update #1
More details: I have deprived her of nothing. We did at one time have joint money. Her spending habits were not acceptable to me.. I worked damn hard. She is smart, skilled and good looking.I feel used and i do not trust he with my money. I will pay every bill and not deprive her..But I do feel that it is only fair..
2007-01-21 16:29:09 · update #2
What was the point of her going to graduate school if she hasn't got a job? Is she looking? If so, great. If not, I would be wondering why she went in the first place.
I also wonder how much 'spending money' you are giving her? Do you pay all the bills? Does she work around the home? Cooking, cleaning, shopping?
I also wonder how strapped you are for cash. If you have a fair amount, make sure her spending money is reasonable. We all deserve to have a few dollars to spend as we wish.
Do you consider her a partner? A lover? A wife? Or a dependent? You seem resentful that she doesn't work so I think you should discuss it with her. I don't blame you......
2007-01-21 15:31:13 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
No, that is not fair. You two are joint heirs together in this life & by denying her access to all that you have (it works both ways--same goes for her) you are putting a huge stumbling block in your marriage. There is no trust that I can see.
Without children, I see no problem with her having a job and contributing to household expenses or whatever. However, I would not use this excuse to keep her at a subservient level. A wife is doing her God given job by keeping the home & I see no problem with her doing that. However, if you feel differently & thinks she should get a job, then you two need to sit down & have a frank discussion about it. No need to point fingers or get into a competition on who works the hardest, brings the most to the table, etc., but more about how you feel & how she feels about working. The biggest red flag I see right now is your lack of trust in her. You might want to delve into that a little deeper & discuss the root cause of that. I think it would improve your relationship. God Bless.
2007-01-21 23:32:15 · answer #2 · answered by Justified 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. You should have a joint account for all the bills and 2 small savings accounts for each of you to get non- budgeted items. If she is your wife she contributes to your life. I assume she cleans, maybe cooks. I assume you enjoy her company. Should she not receive some benefit from your labor? My wife and I were married almost 10 years before children. 4 of those years I made more than she did. 6 she has made more than I, but all of those years we have shared equally in our financial standing. Now I stay home with our little girl {and will withe our second due in late July}. I contribute to the family by saving on our childcare, doing some household chores {as I should anyway}. I also earn some income, yet not what my Nurse wife makes.
Your wife says you "control her via money. She is right. Find a good financial counselor and marriage counselor to work out these issues before your wife becomes bitter towards you.
2007-01-21 23:32:42 · answer #3 · answered by Roll_Tide! 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I didn't work for about 4 years, but I can access my husband's account. My husband paid the bills and it worked out. Well its kind of ugly for the wife if she don't have access to your bank account. How about, get a separate savings bank and tell her this bank is for the future and we don't need to touch it. Have a joint account on the other and that's the one that you can spend on your daily needs in that way she will feel she has part of your life as well.
2007-01-21 23:46:01 · answer #4 · answered by hotgirl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are asking if your wife has to work? With the inflation the way it is, nowadays both partners should work because if only one is working and they want to save Money to save for the future,it will take years of working to save for a down payment on a house or whatever it is the couple is saving for. You also say that your Wife says you control her through your Money, you are wise in not letting her have access to your savings because you may never know if she will start spending it and then what will you do? I think that by telling her she should find a job so she can contribute to as they say nest egg, will help both of you,be in harmony with each other, and you will have more confidence in her. Good luck and I hope you will find a solution to your problem.
2007-01-21 23:41:44 · answer #5 · answered by a.vasquez7413@sbcglobal.net 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
it sounds like you are controlling because she has to go through you it seems if she wants something. that is not a partnership. i do not work either but guess who holds the check book and credit cards????? Because my husband trusts me with OUR things. That is what it all boils down to. We do have a five year old though so that is the difference. Read your own question again and tell me if it doesnt sound like she is more of your child than your wife. She gets an allowance. I do feel that she should get a job especially if you paid out of pocket for her schooling. Unless she is trying to get one and hadnt found one yet.
2007-01-21 23:32:34 · answer #6 · answered by shay80800 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that it's fair you have that much control over something you both should be a part of, but I also think that she should be contributing something.Her not working, was that part of your plan when you two first got married?If it bothers you that she's not working,why don't u sit down and share with her how it is making you feel.Also she should respect the fact that u work hard to pay all the bills and should not expect to be able to buy whatever she wants whenever she wants.
2007-01-21 23:30:14 · answer #7 · answered by AJ78 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Does she want to work? Does she contribute to your home at all, as in cooking, laundry, cleaning.If yall have no children and she is healthy, why is she not working? Most men are afraid to let the Woman run the houshold accounts because they tend to spend so much money on shopping and let the bills lag. My Fiancee gives me his check each week, I take out what we owe in bills and add my check to it also. I deposit money to pay the Bills, always put a 100.00 back in Savings, I feel that is important, and he and I have an allowance to spend on gas, food ect. we need during the week.Let your wife find a job, she will learn the value of a dollar then...
2007-01-21 23:32:07 · answer #8 · answered by donna_honeycutt47 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
What are your values? What do you want from a marriage? Hardly seems that working is necessary for being a good wife. Hardly seems related at all, unless you have financial problems.
My aunt left her high paying job when she and her husband realized their lives were a stupid grind of work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep.
Now, she is free to cook nice meals, make their home nice, be active in community needs, take care of his mom and her dad and other family members as need arises. She's free to boat with her friends, play her guitar, chat with her sisters.
Why would my uncle insist she work? Or go to school? Or have kids? He loves her and wants her to be happy. And you damn well better believe she has full access to THEIR money.
2007-01-22 00:09:04 · answer #9 · answered by cassandra 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Control Freak! No it's not fair but to be fair, she could work. Why do you have a personal checking account that she doesn't have access to? Does she do things for you? Wash your laundry, make your dinner, take care of the house, etc..? It seems to me like you are trying to control her.
2007-01-21 23:31:05 · answer #10 · answered by Tasha 4 · 4⤊ 0⤋