Any suggestions on this future problem in my marriage? (Regarding money and stay at home moms)?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a long time, and we are going to get engaged as soon as I graduate college. After I graduate and get a steady job for a year or two, we will marry and think about children. Well here is the "problem", by the time we are ready to have kids, he will have the option of working from home and he will be making a HUGE salary (enough for us two both quit work, if he saves and invests it correctly). Then out of NO WHERE the other day he says how he wants to be a stay at home dad, while i work full time. His argument is that cause he would have worked for his "part" of our money (he would invest/save etc), he can do what he wants. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and thats the only thing ive ever really wanted in life, to raise my children. I know its not that big of a deal now, but should I just ignore it for now? or bring it up before this could cause a serious problem? Please help.
Thanks

I know you can say "big dreamer" but he has already made 50K in 8 months on the side, thats not even including his salary at work. But thanks to everyone who has answered.

Answer 1

If all you've wanted is to be a an at home mom, it doesn't seem like he's the right guy for you. I could see him saying that he'll earn enough for you both to stay home, but he's not doing that. hmmm

He doesn't have a marriage attitude- that idea about his part of your money is a bad sign.

Also, what does he know about kids? Children under 3 are severely damaged by more than 10 hours a week separation from mommy. This damage occurs even if daddy is the substitute care giver. So, what he wants is to hurt his children?

Also, your babies need to nurse on demand for 2 - 4 years. You can't give them this if you are working.

You are supposed to be talking about this and working through this. If your values really differ, you're supposed to say goodbye.

So, he seems selfish, he seems 'me' focused instead of 'we' focused, and he wants something that would be very very bad for his kids. HMMMMM.

Answer 2

God only knows what tomorrow will bring for us. You are not engaged now and don't plan on it until you graduate. Let your boyfriend know up front how you feel about the stay at home mom idea. In this day and age, it is usually both parents that have to work. Who's to say that he will invest wisely and make the big bucks? It is best to get it out in the open so that he knows how you truly feel about raising children. All too often couples jump into marriage and then find out they have different ideas on how it should work. Then the problems begin. Be smarter than that. Never ignore your true feelings. If he cannot accept the way you feel, maybe he is not the right one for you, regardless of how long you have dated. Waiting until after the marriage will definitely cause a major problem.

Answer 3

Resolve this now - before you have kids, or even before you get married. This is a biggy!
He may be the exception to the rule, but honestly I don't know many dads out there who want to be stay at home dads, and more so dads who can handle it. I am not saying all men, just some...
Honestly I would tend to think that he would stay home for a while and then come to you and tell you that he wants to go back...men don't realize just how much work it is to stay home and raise kids...cause let's not forget about the housework and the cooking and the laundry and...should I go on??
He could be that one in a million who wants to do it and could to it...so resolve this now...and if he is basing this on the fact that he has "done his part" by making the money so he can stay home....one up him...you are the one HAVING the baby. Top that!
Best of luck to you!!

Answer 4

Have an open and honest discussion about it with him. If you can't discuss it together calmly then you shouldn't be marrying each other.
Please keep in mind that there are so many options available now for both spouses to work at home or to do flex-scheduling at many different jobs. There is also the option of both of you working part time if that is a financial option. Or perhaps he can continue working at his high salary job while you stay home with the kids until they go to school and then you can switch places.
Remember that the economy is not the same as it was when we were kids, but there are always solutions with a little compromise.
Good luck!

Answer 5

This may become a problem because I feel men should work full time just as well as women you are going to have a college degree make the best of it. Live your life and enjoy each other before you decide to have kids. And once you two have done everything like travel and anything it is left to do before kids please do it. And then decide who will stay at home with the kids after all that is done. and if you invest your money right it could be the both of you.

Answer 6

You are still boyfriend and girlfriend. These issues are deal-breaker issues because niether of you seem to want to compromise on it. Sit him down for a big, serious discussion on this, and if something can't be worked out, you need to walk away and give each other a fair chance to find what you really want, not what you think you want. If you guys get married and have kids without resolving this, it won't be just the two of you that gets hurt by this mess, your kids will too. And sweetie, as much as you want to try and downgrade this, it is a big deal. Big enough that you are asking complete strangers what to do because you just don't know, and that is a big, big deal.

Answer 7

This si a serious issue the two of you need to work out now. You may not have it all hammered out but, at least talk about it. Being a stay at home parent is HARD, please understand that. Its not all playdates, and playing. Its house work, laundry, and lots of other things too. I am a stay at mom and its one of the hardest jobs I have ever had, but, has the best benefits:).
That being said, I think you should ask him why he wants to stay home etc.
You said its possible for you both to quit working, well maybe that is an option when the time comes if you both wish to stay home. Don't put to much on figuring it out now, but, don't hide your feelings about it either. Keep the lines of communication open and start talking now.

Answer 8

It's one thing to say what you would like to see your $ doing in a few years...it's another thing entirely for it to follow your plan. So counting on what things are going to look like 10 years from now financially is unrealistic to begin with. But the whole conversation and thought process strikes me as very immature and bizarre.

Anything that causes a red flag to go up with you is CERTAINLY not something you want to just "put off" until after the rings go on. You need to be crystal clear on everything with your future partner, to avoid these "surprises" later. Just because you 2 have been together for a long time does not mean you 2 are good communicators, and you'd better learn to be.

In any event, if he's serious, I'd be looking very closely at him again as a potential life partner.

Answer 9

its awful hard when you've got one half of a relashionship saying, my part of the money,it works for some and not others,i believe when you commit to someone everything becomes,ours,even though your waiting to graduate collage have you thought about in years to come when your ready to have children,when its time to go back to work,let your (husband)be a stay at home dad,and you take over his job-you get to work from home,you could even do alternative days,hopefully it will all work out fab for you,good luck

Answer 10

ha ha ha ha !!!!! oh honey, you are a big dreamer....

first of all, most likely none of this will happen. just remember this because it usually rings true for most people: the more you make, the more you spend.

so the reality of it is this: you both will probably be working and neither one of you will even think about not working until kids come around. then you'll argue about what kind of things you'll have to give up so one of you will be able to stay home.

you kids crack me up!!!