Should I listen to my parent's advice?

Question

My ex-husband is moving to another state due to job reasons. He has custody of our 14 year old daughter. I live in another state.

I had mentioned to my ex-husband that I can come to pick my daughter up and bring her back to live with me. My parents are saying that since my ex-husband is so persuasive and pushy, I will end up staying in the same state with my daughter. He will travel back every few weeks and then persuade me to get back together with him.

They are saying that I should take a stand that he must give me legal custody and then I will pick up the child and bring her back with me. My ex says that the legal stuff will come later.

It worries me though because he said that he is moving and leaving the child. I worry about her having her needs met and being alone. His mother will be able to help take care of her. But, she is older and has her own life.

My parents are saying that I am unhappy with my life here and am looking for a way out.

Answer 1

I dont know if you are happy or unhappy where you live ,only you know the answer to that...If your husband has custody of your 14 year old daughter,it is not your place to go see her,he has to bring her to see you because he is the one that is leaving...Another thing is your daughter being 14 has a choice of who she wants to live with...I would suggest that you talk with your daughter and see how she feels,if she does not want to go out of state she does not have to,because she has a choice to live with which ever parent she wants to live with regardless of who has custody because of her age,she can make that choice..If you want to go back with your ex then do that if you really want to,but not for your daughters sake,I would never stay with someone unless i were happy....she is 14 and she will be on her own really fast,and you don,t want to compremise your happiness....I don,t really know why you and your husband separated and divorced but if he was abusive or something you could not live with do not go back....These decisions should be left up to you,and not your parents....I know they love you and only want whats best for you,so if they are against you going back with your ex then maybe they have good reason,but the bottom line ,its up to you....Either way if your daughter stays or goes,make sure that she is either with you are her father,do not leave her with your mother in law.....she needs to be with a parent.

Answer 2

First, there is a reason that your husband instead of you has custody of your 14 yr old daughter. Unstable? If you do not live in the same state as daughter, what would be keeping you away? Let your ex know that you got a divorce for a reason... you two could not live together and it would not be a good environment for the child to be in, therefore there is no hope of reconciliation. Your ex is right about the legal stuff. If he has custody and is not going to be around, you should seek an attorney and see about regaining custody over your daughter. She needs a parent at this time in her life, not a grandparent. Her grandmother raised her son and should not be expected to raise her grandchild. There is nothing wrong with grandmother helping out, but mom or dad need to be there for her. If you are in another state away from your child, how could you be happy with your life? Find a way in.

Answer 3

This question disturbs me on several levels. Your husband has sole custody? What kind of visitation rights do you have? This sounds much like a question for an attorney first of all. Second, where is he leaving the child? This is doesn't make sense. He has custody but he's going to leave her when he moves? Leave her with whom? I don't see anything wrong with moving to be near your child if it's possible. How can you stand to be away from her in another state as is? The fact that you are still so wrapped up in your parents' assessments of your life leads me to think that you would go back to a persuasive and pusy ex if he wanted you back. I don't mean to sound callous, but you have a 14 year old daughter and I think now might be the time for you and your ex-husband to get together with legal representatives and your daughter and decide what's best for her.

Answer 4

You don't mention whether you agree with your parent's assessment. Are you unhappy, and are you looking for a way out? If so, the stress of needing to be there for your daughter may affect your decision.
I went through a divorce and it messes with your head. The last thing your daughter needs is you making decisions based on feelings you haven't dealt with. Ask yourself, what is best for her? Can I really do what is best for her here? Or does that mean I should move closer? And if I do, am I prepared for what might happen with my ex? If I ask for legal custody, will there be a prolonged battle, or is there another way? Unfortunately, in most states it is difficult to switch custodial parents unless it is voluntary. You may make things worse.
Your parents obviously want what's best for you, but they may not be objective either. Have you talked to your daughter? What are her feelings? Does she want to come live with you? Sounds like you better start there, and then make sure your motivations for whatever decision you make are actually what is best for her, and for you, and not out of any desire to "get out". I did that and it turned out badly. Better to be clear headed, if possible (and sometimes it isn't, and that is OK. We all proceed at the speed we're able).

Answer 5

Stareyes, you are faced with a difficult situation for sure. Legal battles can be as bloody as hell if not fought the correct way. Being 16 years old, of course I have not had alot of experience but my parents fought a nasty fight over custody of myself. If you two come up with a compromise beforehand, then things should go more smoothly. But, if your Ex is going to fight tooth and nail to keep your daughter, then my heart goes out to you. Being a woman, you have a gift and a curse. On one hand, you are the child's mother; a historically detrimental part of a child's life. On the other hand, you have to really show your stuff in court to prove that you can provide for her. Also, if your Ex tries to con you into getting back together with him, just remember one thing: YOU DIVORCED FOR A REASON! I've seen it with my parents and it is complete BS because it usually never works out. Good luck to you, and you will be in my prayers.

P.S.: Also, don't forget your daughter's feelings. My parents never gave me that courtesy and I'm trapped in one pathetic life right now. I'm counting the days untill my 18th. :)

Answer 6

Geez, who's controlling you?? Your parents? Your ex?
As a mother, I say your daughter's needs have to come first. Will she really benefit from your going to be with her in this other state? If so, why arent' your bags already packed? ONce you're with your daughter, why can't your parents help you get her back to your state? Are you really so weak that your ex can persuade you to do things you know are stupid? Possession is 9/10ths of the law. Get your child in your hands and then fight to keep her. Show some backbone.

Answer 7

Sounds to me like he's on a "midlife crisis" whirlwind and doesn't want a teenager to interfere...He wanted her as long as it suited him, but now he has other plans. So, do you know, why is he leaving the child? Next, who does your daughter want to be with? She is old enough to decide. IF you think she needs to be with you so that her needs get met, you need to get legal custody so that he can't take anything away. It has been my personal experience that when someone says "the legal stuff will come later" that YOU will be the one to lose in the long run. He'll probably let you "borrow her" until he has come to his senses or until it suits him to have a daughter again. If you can raise her and she wants to be with you, than you need to take action. If he is the legal guardian, you can't let him "dump" the burden onto you just because he doesn't want to deal with it. You need to make it known that you will accept guardianship when the papers are final and the sooner the better. If he has legal guardianship and leaves her there, that's abandonment and you have a right to a lawsuit on your daughter's behalf. I hope it works out and she needs to be with someone who cares.

Answer 8

You need to do what is right for your daughter. Your parents are thinking of you first and you can't blame them for that. You were strong enough to leave your husband to begin with and I think you're strong enough to withstand anything he can throw at you now. Go get your daughter. Set a return date and stick to it unless you really want to reconcile with your ex. If your parents are right and you're looking for a way out of your present predicament, take heart there is always more than one way to fix a problem. It isn't either be with your parents or your ex. You can fix it so you stand on your own and make a life for you and your daughter. You know you can do anything you really want to do with a good plan and determination. Good luck

Answer 9

sweetie do whats best for ur daughter and you...think not for yourself or just for ur daughter think as a family...a family of two...u and ur daughter. theres a lot of thinking you need to do. Why do ur parents fear ur ex wants you back in his life and if he does why is it such a bad thing? do you want to be with him? Is he a good father? u mentioned something about him leaving ur daughter...I don't really like that idea. He seems a bit selfish. are you willing to move to a different state? your daughter needs a home a permanent one....she doesn't need to be left and be picked up by different people...even if those people are her parents....you both need to be in her life in some way but give her a feeling of security. discuss with your daughter and if you want to you CAN have a grown up mature conversation with your ex and see what he wants or what he thinks is the best thing for your daughter and u two as well. good luck. decide wisely. if unsure run ur decision by a couple of close friends who KNOW ur weaknesses and ur strengths

Answer 10

I don't know why your parents are so deep into your personal life. They seem more concerned about what you're doing than a 14 year old childs life. The girl is 14. I think you should ask her since you don't seem to be taking any legal action. Leave it up to her if she wants to move or stay with you.