We began swapping in summer of 2006. We met a couple and they are both very attractive, nice & we are able to do things together as friends out side of the swinging thing, and we just get along so well. My husband has absolutely no problem getting excited and staying excited for me. He can get excited for her but just cannot stay that way especially when the condoms come out. He's tried to have sex with her now 5 times and the most he can do is he was able to stay excited and have intercourse for about 5 minutes. We've had ffm and he was able to stay hard for over 45 minutes with me there, but she was unable to have intercourse with him at that time because of some other issues at that time. They recently had mmf with her, her husb. and my husb. and this time she again got him excited but after some fumbling with the condom & issues with trying to find KY because she got so dry there was no getting him excited again to enter. Any possible answers of what his mental prob may be?
2007-01-21 13:42:34 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
yuck, perhaps you should stop swinging
2007-01-21 13:46:18 · answer #1 · answered by alexandria1_1999 5 · 5⤊ 5⤋
J B, I agree with Intuition, completely, including her remarks about others judgmental answers. Some people can't wait to get the chance to make themselves superior to someone else by judging their behavior because it doesn't match theirs. You asked a question you wanted an honest answer to and they gave you their judgmental opinion. I've noticed those with the most opinions usually have the fewest facts, too. They are also usually the meanest, most unhappy people I've ever met.
Like intuition said, it is probably just performance anxiety. My wife and I have been swingers for several years and we've noticed that around 1/2 the men in other couples have had a problem maintaining an erection with anybody but their wife. We feel it's for the same reason as intuition said. He's just nervous about being good enough, and sex is at least 1/2 mental. If the brain isn't working, then neither does the equipment.
My wife didn't orgasm with a playmate for about the first 5 or 6 times we swung because she was afraid of hurting my feelings if she had "too good a time". We talked about it, I assured her that is exactly what I wanted, for her to have a great time, and that it turned me on even more to know she was. All she needed was permission and it was all okay. It took away the mental block.
I agree, check-out The Swingers Board for some real good, objective information about swinging. You'll get real answers from those that have been there, and none of this judgmental crap.
2007-01-22 03:14:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
I'm very against this ridiculous "practice" and it's NASTY as well!
I didn't find out till recently that my parents did this before my Siblings and I were ever thought of, and I was devastated to learn this! Probably why I had family problems growing up, and all kinds of insecurity problems as well with us kids.
Stay away from the "Swinging" life! It's C H E A P and low-class!
2007-01-21 16:36:33 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
I'd say your husband is experiencing anxiety over issues of intimacy either he being intimate with another woman, which speaks volumes on his feelings for you, or he's having issues with your intimacy with another man, which could be a symptom of the male ego rearing its ever so fragile head. You'd both better sit down and discuss your feelings about this lifestyle before proceeding further. It looks like warning signs are popping up.
2007-01-21 14:05:35 · answer #4 · answered by rtanys 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Okay first off I gotta say, you go Guinea! THANK you for speaking out and letting people out there know that people can swing and still be awesome parents. And Sally B, there was not ONE single sentence in your answer that didn't spit venom and ignorance. Go educate yourself, and if you're not interested in actually learning the facts, then don't opine about things you don't understand because you're not helping anyone.
To the OP:
Performance issues are extremely common and usually just temporary. It doesn't mean he's not attracted to the other woman; it usually just means that he's either apprehensive about how you'll react to seeing him with another woman (a sign of respect and sensitivity toward you and of a concern for the outcome of your relationship) or he's feeling a little less than confident about being "back in the saddle" again with a woman who wants nothing but a good time from him. YOU love him. SHE does not. You accept him exactly the way he is, faults and all. This other woman looks at him and, yes, sees an attractive man. She obviously seems to be attracted to him, right? But if he's not attractive to her, then she has no reason to want to have sex with him. This isn't "making love", remember? She just wants a good roll in the hay. Perhaps he's wondering if he's up to par? Sure, he can please you, no problem. He's had a while to figure out where your buttons are to push them. This other woman is a bit of a mystery, and I think maybe he's worried that when his partner's eyes aren't clouded with love the way yours are, he'll be found lacking.
You need to first of all clear the air with him, and find out if he's worried that he'll hurt your feelings. Sort that out first and foremost. If that's not the problem, if you're both comfortably on the same page, ask him what it is he's afraid will happen. If it's a lack of confidence, this is yor opportunity to remind him of his unique sexual virility. Each person has a sexual identity as unique as a fingerprint (why else would we want to have sex with so many different people if they weren't all different somehow?). Help him to discover his. It's part of what you fell in love with. Help him to recognize his uniqueness, his sexiness, his allure. You're giving him the gift of freedom to share that part of himself with the rest of the world instead of cloistering it away for your exclsive use. That's a bit akin to permanently packing away the fine china so that it doesn't get broken. As they say, use the fine china every day! What good is unbroken china when you're dead and gone if you never enjoyed while you were living? What I'm saying is that this is the part where you are going to be his best friend. You're going to talk to him, listen to him, reassure him, boost him up, and give him a gentle kick in the a** if he needs it to get off the bench and into the game. GENTLE kick.. lol Don't ever push someoneone who is truly uncomfortable. But if it's just a matter of lack of confidence, you're doing him a favour by helping him to realize just how much fun, how sexy, how attractive, how skilled he actually is. Seeing someone you love bloom that way, seeing them see themselves (finally) the way you have seen them all along is worth every ounce of effort you put into swinging up to that moment.
His "affliction" may only be temporary, and it usually is. But if he finds it's getting worse instead of better, I suspect it's something he's built up in his own mind. The worry he feels compounds the problem, and it just keeps snowballing. I'd suggest the two of you doing plenty of talking, keeping the communication flowing freely between you, and when you play again, just focusing on letting things happen naturally and slowly. Another good idea would be to talk to the other couple. Let the other woman know that it's nothing to do with how attractive she is (she may be feeling unattractive...they're just people with fears and insecurities, too), and that you'd appreciate their help by just going kinda slow for a while until you've built up a greater comfort level.
Please let him know it's VERY common, and nothing to be ashamed about. My hubby had exactly the same problem the first few times out. Once we talked and he found that I was totally okay with the whole thing, he was fine.
2007-01-21 17:21:25 · answer #5 · answered by intuition897 4 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like your husband isn't the whore that you are and he takes his marriage vows seriously. Why would you desecrate the sanctity of marriage like this. Did you not take a vow to forsake all others? What you are doing is committing adultery. Maybe your husband doesn't really care to spend eternity in hell. Get some serious counseling or else get divorced. People like you don't deserve to be married.
2007-01-21 14:02:01 · answer #6 · answered by Sally B 3 · 1⤊ 3⤋
You all need to have sex with eachother and not different people because it's obvious he likes you better. Also who's idea was this? Ask him about what he wants? Ask him if he evens likes the girl or is he doing this stuff for you? Ask yourself why did you even get this idea instead of working on your own sex life and making it better?
2007-01-21 13:48:25 · answer #7 · answered by julyleobaby 2 · 5⤊ 2⤋
Maybe he has performance issues and is concerned he may not be up to standard. He needs to feel relaxed, because anxiety can play havoc with a man's ability to maintain an erection.
HTH : )
2007-01-21 14:20:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
It sounds as if he's got some issues with the whole swinging deal....if he's performing fine with his wife but not with others, then we know the "plumbing" is physcially fine. Talk it out with him....perhaps he's feeling guilty and not even realizing it.
2007-01-21 13:49:24 · answer #9 · answered by Justlookin 5 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Maybe because subconsciously he's nervous and thinks it's wrong, especially with you there watching.
Sorry but even if swinging is ok with you guys, I just find it too weird to watch my husband getting off with another mans wife. That's just nasty.
2007-01-21 13:47:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 4⤋
Maybe he doesn't really want to be a swinger and is doing it for you to keep YOU happy...
So maybe YOU'RE the problem...making him do things he's not comfortable with in the first place...
2007-01-21 13:48:01 · answer #11 · answered by Chrys 7 · 5⤊ 5⤋