i want to leave my b/f but am scared of the affect on our children and myself (and my b/f).?

Question

Hi, I have two young boys (4 and 1) but I am not happy with their father. I feel as if I should stay because he is their father but he makes me unhappy, he's lazy, he drinks and he doesn't give me the love and affection that I am starting to crave. He doesn't seem to realise that there is a problem because everytime I ask him to do something, he changes for a month or two then it's back to normal again. HI want out but I'm scared of starting again. Of how hard it will be for my kids. How hard it will be to move. How do I let go? How do I move on? HOW DO I TELL HIM I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE???????????????????????... To be honest, if we didn't have kids together, I wouldn't be with him.I think that if I'm happy, my kids will be happy. We aren't married. I don't want child support just want myself and my kids to be happy. He's been caught drink driving while on suspension for drink driving. When I want to go out I stress so that I don't enjoy myself but it's the opposite for him. HELP ME?

Answer 1

Ok, first and foremost the children have to be your priority......living with a lazy drinker isn't a healthy example to set. You'd be kidding yourself if you think they don't know something is up....even at age 1. Separation/divorce is horribly hard on children, however, living in a home with "parents" that are miserable and living unhealthy is worse. They will get over you leaving him, and get over it well if you handle it properly. You don't have to give them all the gory details beyond "mom isn't happy and if mom isn't happy she can't be a good mom". You can answer any question they have as they crop up.....google search "children and divorce" there is a wealth of information out there.

Now for the scary part.....leaving and making it on your own. I left my ex when I had no job, and unemployment rates were huge. I stayed with family for a year until I got on my feet financially. I'm not in a small place with my 10 year old son and to be honest, I'm broke most of the time, but I'm making it ON MY OWN....very happily.

Hun, life is too short, you know this situation isn't going to change any time soon....how long are you going to live miserably until you let go of something that wasn't probably there in the first place? Trust me, when and if you do leave you're going to discover just how damned strong a woman you really are.....and that live on the "other side" is SO much happier. Email if you need to vent....I remember all too well feeling just as you are now....it's rough, but it's VERY fixable. Hang in :)

Note to Thomas J's reply above me......a decent mom ignores an alcoholic "father" and lets the kids witness years of addictive behavior? A decent woman sits miserably by and puts on her best betty crocker smile while the man in her life drinks himself to death? Sorry, not often I comment on others replies because we're all allowed an opinion, but THAT was the biggest crock I've read in a looooooong time! Sheesh!!

Answer 2

J D is right. Your main focus MUST be the kids. For that reason, you must leave ASAP. Your happiness is secondary, and so is your boyfriend's, but children growing up in a home without any happiness on the part of the parents, grow up emotionally stunted.
The best, most productive (socially as well as economically) people are ones who come from homes where there is never a question of love, loyalty and support. If your boyfriend drinks now, drives that way (and on a suspended license, yet!) what kind of example is that setting for your kids? And how long before the drinking yurns into abusive behavior?
Granted, that may never happen, but do you want to wait around to find out, only to risk finding out too late?
The best way to do it is just to do it. Don't think about it, just do it. If you think about it, you will lose your nerve or start to second guess yourself.

Answer 3

I can't imagine what this must be like for you. The image of seeing him in the front room must be traumatic for you. You need to grieve, cry, scream and shout. Have you got any family members who can look after your son a few days a week to give you a break. Being a single mum is demanding at the best of times, let alone with all this you have to deal with. I think the first thing you should do is to get out of the house. Start making arrangements to move straight away, because you will be constantly surrounded by memories and it will make it a lot harder for you to be strong. Maybe you could go and stay with a friend until you move? I know its hard hun, but be strong and wipe out any thoughts in your head about killing yourself. I know its impossible for you to believe right now that you will ever feel better, but the enormous rawness that you are feeling right now will be replaced over time by a different feeling. Anti-depressents might help for the meanwhile until you feel able to cope again. Everyones different, but some people find that counselling helps. Write letters to him (or talk to him)- it will help somehow. I did that when my nan died and it helped me to make some sense out of the way i was feeling and got it off my chest. Write down all the happy memories that you can think of. He will always have a place in your heart, but try to be strong. I promise you that you will get through this x

Answer 4

If you and your Boyfriend are having verbal fights around the children and see you both so unhappy, it is not a good environment for them. You say you do not want Child Support, but he is the father and should help you financially with the kids. It is not an easy task raising children on your own. If he is continuosly drinking, then it is best if yes you and the children do leave. I was brought up in the type of situation you are describing, and believe me, it has Long term affects on a child. Do what is right for you and your Children..

Answer 5

It's very sad, the situation you describe. First of all, if you leave, you'll have to use day care, which is very damaging to kids under 5. Very damaging. Combine that damage with the damage of losing a father, and your sons are set up to be dropouts, drugs abusers, alcoholics (like good old dad) and criminals.

People protest hearing that, but the facts are that kids raised by mom alone do much less well.

Research shows kids are more damaged by a divorce type situation that by the dad dying!

Why don't you start by doing to Alanon and getting healthy yourself.

It is emphatically not true that kids are happy when their mom is happy. It's not even logical or rational and we can all think of real life examples that prove it's not true.

Kids are happy when their needs for love, nurture, and stability are met. Their needs being met make them happy.

You should focus on doing your best. Being the best mom. Taking the best care of your life and house. Being the best wife. Not to try to make him change, but because focusing on our partner's weaknesses is a trip to nowhere.

You really have to look at the fact that you've made decisions to have these babies with this man. You clearly knew what he was like when you had the second baby with him.

Since he even straightens up for a month or two, that demonstrates a concern for your opinion. Why do things go off track? Do you stop asking and expect him to read your mind?

How do you justify to yourself destroying the home you made for your children when you knew full well what you were doing, just cause you're tired of it now?

A decent adult puts her children first.

Answer 6

Tell him how you feel. Be honest and open with him. Tell him everything. He may make it easier for you. He may not. But the first thing you must do is tell him what you want. Then do it. Look for another place or tell him he needs to. Then move forward. Staying with him is unfair to either of you and your children. You both may find real happiness somewhere else. Make sure you let him know that you want more for yourself, for your children and for him. Just let him know how you feel and that you would like him to stay in your childrens lives. See if you can work out visitation and all and move on.

Answer 7

You said it yourself, he's only getting worse. Nothings going to improve. Its only going to get worse, and if he's already distant how do you know he doesn't have a G/F. He stays as well because you take care of him. He's got it made why leave a good thing. Sure he comes home, but because its routine. What if you stay, and next week, he tells you...."you know what I met someone and I think its only fair for me explore that, to seek true happiness" what if he pulls that one on you???? Look your babies are only happy when your happy, You know you deserve so much more, so why not be alone for awhile find out who you are again, who knows so many things can happen you two might even fall in love again. But until you give yourself the chance to explore that, you'll never know. Or you could meet that man that just gets your panties alll..........LOL....you know how...good luck.
You can't go wrong, you can only improve.....and you will.

Answer 8

hey.. hope this answers your question.

i was the same as your b/f previously not giving my wife the required love and affection.. only worried about my parents, my career and earning money.. my wife gave me a shock some 4 months back that she is gonna divorce me.. and then is when i realized that i had taken her for granted and started missing her from the moment i visualized a life without her.. now i am realizing the mistakes that i did. She still says that she does not love me anymore and wants to be independent.. i am still trying to get her and am hoping for the best and will get her back. Since you are in a situation where my wife was 5 months back, please talk to your hubby first, threatening does work.. give him a shock by telling him that you are desperate to seperate.. try to find a good guy friend of your and pretend to be in love with that guy.. all these may help you in getting the message across to your b/f.. all the best and wish me the same.. :)

Hope this is helpful..

Answer 9

Staying for the sake of the children is a big mistake. And the most important thing that popped out at me is when you said you don't want child support. That is not asking for something for yourself, but the children deserve to be supported. You will be the soul support for these kids, so get what they deserve. Good luck.

Answer 10

First and for most , you have to do what is best for your kids. He doesn't sound like a good role model to me. My ex-husband was just like your b/f. He never helped me with our daughter, never helped around the house, and I worked two jobs. He spent all his paycheck on drag racing his car and left me to pay the bills. My mom had to send me money for my daughter's clothes and for food. He just didn't care. The day I left , Id rove away with him crying in the driveway. My daughter was 7 years old .I had to move back home with my parents, 3 hours away. It was the hardest thing I had ever done. But I didn't love him anymore and I truly don't think he loved me. You just don't treat someone you love like that. My daughter is now 21 and has a daughter of her own. She told me it was worse being there with all the fighting , than leaving her home and school and moving back to my moms. I am now married to a wonderful man and have been for almost 14 years. You need to do what is best for your sons. It will all be for the best.