I have been dating a man for almost 4 months. We've been living together for about 2. I told him from the very very beginning that I require complete openness and honesty in a relationship if there is to be ANY trust. I've told him everything important about me. Yesterday I came across paperwork that said he was the biological father of a girl. When I mentioned the name, first he tried to lie and say that was the name of the girl he slept with a long time ago. I said "why does it say you're the father then?" Well it turns out that girl he slept with had a kid and didn't tell him. Years later he found out and did a DNA test to determine if he was the father. He claims that before the kid could be tested, the kid and mother were both killed in hurricane Katrina. (Yet the legal document I saw said that it was determined by genetic evidence that he WAS the biological father). He doesn't think he should have had to tell me. What do you think? How can I ever trust him?
2007-01-21 11:32:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Neither of have regular jobs. He has his own business at home and I'm a student. Basically that means that we've spent 24/7 of the last 4 months together. Which is more than double the amount of get-to-know-you time of most couples. I knew it was too soon to move in, but was in a situation where I had to move out of my previous residence, I had no money, no job, and a 120lb dog (which severely limits my options) and he was offering to let me stay here "no strings attached". So I gave it a shot.
I've made it clear time and time again how important it is to not have any secrets and NO LIES. We talk a lot about our pasts and everything. We even had a discussion about his relationship with this girl in particular (a great time to mention the kid). He's told me all along that he won't keep secrets or tell lies. This is a HUGE HUGE big deal to be keeping a secret. I feel like if he'll keep this a secret, he could lie about ANYTHING. Is it even possible to regain trust after this?
2007-01-21 11:32:40 · update #1
I THINK ANY GIRL WHO MOVES IN WITH A GUY AFTER KNOWING HIM ONLY 2 MONTHS IS AN IDIOT AND DESERVES WHATEVER HE DISHES OUT
2007-01-21 11:42:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
UH - IF (and I do mean if...) it were TRUE that the mother and child are deceased, then I could MAYBE understand his reasoning in not mentioning it. BUT, I would want to know why this paperwork was out and WHEN all this happened. If he knew he had a child when you 2 hooked up, he needed to let you know in case you were not comfortable with it. Not possible for HIM to get the test WITHOUT the child's DNA to prove anything either way - so THAT'S another lie! It all sounds a bit too fishy for me - ask him to show you the paperwork releasing him from financial responsibility for this kid - you know, death certificates would do it. IF he has a kid, and the kid is ALIVE, he will have to pay up one way or the other. It will be VERY VERY hard to trust him again, especially when his instant defense upon getting busted is to make up more lies. You have every RIGHT to know about ANYTHING that affects you 2 as a partnership - period.
2007-01-21 11:55:00 · answer #2 · answered by BikerChick 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You could be overreacting (please read on)
Men are alot different than women in alot of the way they think. If something happend to my boyfriend like that I would be a little more understanding and not just want, but NEED to discuss it further.
If you love this fella enough to live with him, then I would assume the relationship is important enough to work through it.
If this all happend years before you met, then maybe he just wanted a new beginning without the pain of a loss like that?
As far as "complete openness and honesty", I am not sure that is a reasonable expectation from anyone in such a short amount of time. Again, it had to be painful however it played out. Just having a child and not knowing about it for years is enough...but then finding out it was dead. I am not sure I would want to share that either, at least not right away.
In my opinion, trust is earned. It's part of getting to know someone and making that bond that opens people up to the kind of relationship you describe in the second line.
In the end, you are the only one that knows if he is the kind of man you can have a relationship with or not. In a lot of ways, men are like children: They need to be molded into what women want them to be, and sometimes that means overcomming all of the mistakes that the other women that came before you made.. Think of them as a project that needs refinished. You sand down the rough edges and see if there is enough raw material underneath to build on :)
Don't be too hard on this guy right away. It sounds like he has dealt with his share of pain to one extent or another. You may find it easier to open him up if you approach this with compassion instead of anger (IMO)
Good Luck (to both of you). :)
2007-01-21 14:31:48 · answer #3 · answered by betty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely 100% I'm sorry but I am not sure I would believe they were killed either. He obviously lied. This is a HUGE deal. I myself am dealing with a somewhat new relationship that somewhat mirrors yours and have dealt with lie after lie. I am not sure that liars like this can ever change. Still trying to figure that out. But he should have told you. Then when confronted, should have told you the truth instead of digging a deeper hole, which is why I question are they really gone? Good Luck.
2007-01-21 11:42:22 · answer #4 · answered by alexandria1_1999 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should check on his story, search for death records to see if he's telling the truth. Men are different from women in what they see as important information, he may not have been proud of the whole situation, or he may have felt that since they both perished, that what was the point. Maybe you are a bit of a drama queen? Maybe he knew that you'd react this way....
2007-01-21 11:55:11 · answer #5 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd find a better man. That is ridiculous he didnt tell you; there is not exuse for it. You think that would of been the first things he told you. Then for him to try to lie?
If he can lie about something that big- then he god knows how many lies he told you that you dont even know about.
Im not trying to be mean; but I would seriously consider even staying with him.
2007-01-21 11:54:47 · answer #6 · answered by Tbay56 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow that's heavy. I agree with both i know you wanted to know, but if he did find out he was the father and then the child died, that would be a pretty painful thing to even talk about. i couldn't even imagine losing my child. i don't believe he was trying to be decietful, how long ago did he find out he was the father and that they had died? that needs to be taken into concideration as well.. best of luck
2007-01-21 11:54:33 · answer #7 · answered by Carrie H 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I recommend u listen to all the comments these ppl gave u.I can't think of anything better to say.
2007-01-21 12:25:55 · answer #8 · answered by Maria M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes he should have told you. if you cant trust him in this you cant trust him at all.what was he going to do never tell you. you would be better of paying rent somewhere. hope for the best for you.
2007-01-21 11:46:31 · answer #9 · answered by eddie m 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should have told you. Plus he tried lying to you which means he is probably untrustworthy/not honest.
2007-01-21 11:42:48 · answer #10 · answered by Jenny 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you bet it is. he was holding back on that one till he had you hooked. He should have been straitup with you on this one. Time for a call down!
2007-01-21 11:40:46 · answer #11 · answered by ULTRA150 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋