My husband has been across the country for 2.5 months now (Navy) and since then he has been drifting away. He doesn't call me or talk to me on the phone. He lies to me and doesn't do what he says he will. He is not providing for me and our daughter and he is out partying all the time. Does anyone have ideas on how I can get through to him when I go out there next weekend? I can't keep putting up with this...he doesn't even tell me he loves me anymore. He will be gone for at least another 2 or 3 months at minimum and this can't continue...I feel totally forgotten and ignored and at this point I wonder why we got married only four months ago. There is alot more going on, but this is the basics...Well, this isn't him at all. We have been separated before and he has always been the responsible one until now. I don't want to consider divorce, but it isn't like we are married in any sense of the word, right?
Any ideas?
2007-01-21 11:09:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She isn't his child legally, but she calls him daddy and he ahs been in her life since she was barely a year old.
2007-01-21 11:24:21 · update #1
He is only there temporarily for training (6mos was the plan) that is why I didn't go with him.
2007-01-21 11:32:42 · update #2
I already asked him if he wants to be single or get divorced and he doesn't give a straight answer. It seems like that is what he wants, but he wont say yes or no. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. He doesn't understand why I feel this way.
2007-01-21 11:36:31 · update #3
You need to sit down and talk to him when you see him. Other than that I don't know what to suggest. You say he is not providing for you. Do you mean financially? If so you need to get with his commander to get the money you need to support yourself and your child. Good Luck.
2007-01-21 11:19:26 · answer #1 · answered by suz' 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Careful. You sound very upset, which you have every right to be. However, don't show up next weekend and immediately go on the attack. You'll lose any chance to have a real conversation with him. I know one of the other posters asked this, how old is he? If he's in school, I'm guess that most of the Sailors there with him are young and single. Not a good environment for a married man. Especially if he's young. Not an excuse either--just a fact. When you talk to him, be clear about what you expect, but be careful with the threats. They can be tough to take back.
In the end, only you can decide if it's worth it.
2007-01-22 00:24:49 · answer #2 · answered by NavyMomSS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Those people saying just dump him - it is that easy isn't it!!!!
Sounds to me like he is a bit scared about the commitment he has just made to you. Maybe he is trying to prove he can still do what he wants and be one of the lads?
I wouldn't go all firey and worked up, chances are you will just have a big row. I would let him know that you are upset and find out why he married you.
It really is tough being apart from each other, maybe its his defence mechanism. I know my husband gets really narky when he has to go away even when he comes home he is in a mood sometimes. Like he says, I have the children to keep me going, when he goes away he has nothing.
Before we got married, he used to drink a lot and be one of the lads but realisitcally what do you want him to do? Stay in his room all night pining for you? I didn't like the idea of that, so i was fine with him being one of the lads until he came home to me but he always put me first. Perhaps you could try and understand things from his perspective and the same for him.
If he is leaving you with no money then of course you need to sort that out asap, speak to his next in line initially and maybe keep it unofficial as you dont want to make matters worse. If that still doesn't work then go up the ladder and make it official.
Its really tough on your own and you do feel like a single parent at times but you get through it - somehow.
Have good chat and hopefully you can sort this out but that is the only way in my opinion.
Best of luck x
2007-01-22 05:39:02 · answer #3 · answered by peachy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with everyone else, why are you holding on ? Don't hold onto anyone that isn't holding on to you, don't cry over anyone who isn't going to cry over you, etc etc. When you see him, you need to sit down (go there with divorce papers in your purse) let him know how you feel about his behavior and let him know that it isn't acceptable. Let him know you no longer want to be in a one sided relationship, and that you appreciate his actions for letting you know that the marriage was a mistake, then put the papers on the table with your signature already on them and hand him a pen. Start talking about custody issues, property. Hopefully you both will come to a mutual agreement on those issues and he'll sign, tell him have a nice life. Once you get back to your hotel room (or whenever you get alone) cry, scream about it then. But start the process of moving on with your life. You have to go there ready for all of this, so start preparing yourself, it sounds like your marriage is already over, unless you want you and your daughter to continue to be an afterthought.
2007-01-21 19:31:05 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like he got to wherever he was going and went wild. Is he young? I hate playing games but maybe he feels like your nagging him...your not but who knows what some men think some times! Just give him the space he thinks he needs. Once u stop calling Him then he'll ask you whats up, then tell him that when u were calling him and trying to be there for him he wasnt returning the favor and that'll open up conversation. He'll be more willing to listen if he knows where your coming from! Good luck sweetheart, im sorry your going through this!
2007-01-21 19:33:18 · answer #5 · answered by marinewife 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
when you talk to him..ask him what he expects out of your marriage... tell him how you feel without blaming, attacking and criticising him. I am sure that being in the service can be very stressful...not to say that his actions are legitimate.. in other words if you go after his heart, he will be open to discuss... when there are situations/troubles in my marriage I try to put myself in his shoes. Even though its hard I try not to jump the gun and think the worst.. You know this sounds silly but I write down my feelings and I read over then and I try to say it how I would want someone to say it to me.... I am sorry you are going through this..I hope that he will be understanding.. and for the sake of your marriage and your daughter I hope that he thinks and acts in a way that is respectful and loving.
2007-01-21 19:31:11 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to ask yourself, if you still love him and want this marriage to work? Are you going to mention seperating in the hope he will get scared and make the relationship work? If so you might get your fingers burned. I think you should sit down with him next weekend and get everything out in the open and decide if you want to work on it or call it a day, but you should not use ultimatums unless you really mean it.
Good luck
2007-01-21 19:28:26 · answer #7 · answered by Denise H 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Ask for a mailing address and tell him his belongings are in the garage and the papers are on the way. If he doesn't respond, go through with it. There will be nothing left to hold onto.
IMHO, I was in the Navy and I seen men cheating on their gf/wives. I can't say he is but I wouldn't hold your breath. My father did it and divorced b4 I was three.
2007-01-21 19:20:24 · answer #8 · answered by n9wff 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
just divorce the fool...if he can't see that he has a good wife and family at home waiting for him all the time..then obviously he's probably with someone else by now and he dont care about his family...why be miserable waiting for someone who doesnt care about his family. Just hurry up and divorce him so you can move on with your life as well and find someone better than him cause obviously he's not mature and he don't want to be a decent husband or father.
2007-01-21 19:20:53 · answer #9 · answered by ღCCღ 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
have a talk with him first. just to see where his head is at. maybe he has a hard time adjusting when he returns home. and does he have a good reason for not keeping in touch. like email or phone not accessable. however, you are his wife and by military law he is required to take care of you while he is away. all you have to do is speak to his commander or first seargent. tell them he is not financially taking care of you. they will fix that problem.
and honey pray about it. don't ever try to make someone love you. love yourself first them god will send you the right kinda man for you.
2007-01-21 19:29:40 · answer #10 · answered by tallbrwntexasgirl 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
why would you not consider divorce?
how good is it right now ( not very good by the way you talk about it )
don't let the fact that you have a child between you be the only guide for wondering if you should stay together
2007-01-21 19:22:42 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋