I have a serious problem getting over my future wife's past. Pls , any advice ?

Question

I met her a few years ago, planning to get married soon. She is all I've dreamt of and I simply love her to bits. She is older than me by 7 yrs (she's 31). In the beggining I didn't think to much of her past, but asking about it and her not telling me too much made me dig deeper and deeper till I hurt her by doing so. I wanna stop that, thinking of her past mistakes and guys she dated etc. She even changed a lot, she is a pure Christian now, more of a reason 4 me to forget about her past...but I still cannot do that. I prayed about it, I "punished" myself 4 it in ways coz I don't want to hurt her by bringing it up again I think I've tried everything...Any of U guys/gals gone thru this? Will I ever be able to overcome these things or will it haunt me 4 ever? It really drives me to despair sometimes and I just feel like climbing the walls :( Why me?? Why does this happen ? WTF is wrong w/ me ? The thing that will probly freak U out about me even more is that we were both virgins when we met. I kno about "technical virginity" etc...but I don't think it's her case. Her problems were more about just promiscous behaviour and bad morals....I kno U'll consider me a freak....maybe I am....the thing is I WANT to put everything behind where it belongs...Just HOW to do that

and also......I REALLY trust her 100% not to cheat on me. She wouldn't even look at another man on the street. I feel so guilty for feeling like this about her past....

Answer 1

I think a lot of men deal with this whether they admit it or not especially when they really love their wife. It takes time. And it only makes it harder when the woman is not very open about her past.

I know exactly what you are feeling. It is easy to say the past is the past and we should not be judgmental about people's past behavior. But that is not the issue. The issue is how can you forgive someone about their past when they are not opening up about it. Because when you really love a person, you are to love everything about them, including the past. Because the past is what made them who they are. If a person is not willing to open up about their past how can you really appreciate who they are? It is very hard to love a self-righteous person that does not even forgive themselves.
I feel your pain.

The good news is that the closer she gets to you and trust that you will not judge her she will begin to open up to you more. But it does take time. Good luck. Be patient.

Answer 2

The things that she has been through and the things she has done make her the person that she is today...As long as she has learned lessons from the mistakes she has made, then everyone deserves a certain forgiveness...Even you for not trusting her and you don't say what mistakes she made, but just b/c you don't like someone she went out with is no reason for you to call it a mistake...obviously there were things about these relationships that didn't work, or she wouldn't be where she is now, WITH YOU. I have to say you should get some couples therapy / counselling before you take any more steps, because thecommunication the two of you have now is obviously not on a great level, or you wouldn't be sneaking around...

Answer 3

Think the suggestion for some therapy might be in order.... why are you so unsure of her love? And what is it about you that you don't think you deserve her.. Firstly, it ain't ever the years, hon. at 31, she knows a sweetie when she sees one --- you. So relax. Secondly, only a really insecure guy needs to know EVERYTHING ... all of us have done things that we are not particularly proud of, but that was before she met you... Judge her from the point that you met until now.... that is really all that matters.

Marriage is not really the past, it is about the future.... respect, admiration, passion and trust. And all sorts of subsets, like solving problems without rage, kindnesses, putting the other first, enjoying concerts, a beach, a drive, travel together... it is also about time alone to develop one's own interests, develop in a job, and sometimes just shutting the hell up..... I

f you have all of these with her, and she has given you no cause to doubt her, wake up sweetie, you are the one she wants....If you have these with her, hon, BINGO!!!!! life doesn't get any better than to be dizzyingly in love...........Learn how to keep your marriage fresh, too

Answer 4

It's not your woman's past that is the problem. You being nosy and jealous and suspicious is the problem.

If you truly love her and trust her then let it go. Everyone has a past, and that is what it is PAST. Leave it there. No good can come of digging as you have found. You need to come to terms with the fact that she had a life before she met you. And she will have one after you are gone...one way or another. The time you have to concern yourself with is NOW!! Everything you are doing to yourself and her is going to blow-up in your face and ruin what you have now and what it could grow into. Maybe you should talk to a counselor or your priest. Or maybe you should remember that it was her past that made her make the decisions that she made to become the person that she is today...the woman that you love. We all have different paths to take, and we sometimes go the long way around...the point is each path brings us to where we are meant to be one way or another. So get back on the road of today and let yesterday fade away....before you loose what you love the most. Good luck

Answer 5

Do not feel guilty thinking about it.
Those are your feelings.
You inability to stop thinking about her past might be because of your own deep down ideas and dreams about the type of woman you would like to be with.
Humans create in their minds an image of their life mate.
Some people even create a checklist of what they would like in a mate. Look forward 10 years in ask yourself now would you still resent her past.
Our minds create a lot of images, and fascinations including idealisms and idolizing. Sometimes our thinking and lack of confidence puts place things in the wrong areas of life, and let other people lead and direct. You know enough about yourself that this situation really upsets you. Do not Ignore your own feelings. It is not healthy. If you cannot live this down you know what you have to do, whether it be now or later, it may be inevitable.
There is one way you can possible get over it which is to surpress your own ego. Which means continue on in your relationship and dont look back, and dont have any expections looking forward. You must be 100% non judgemental going forward.
You do have a right to be selective in your relationship, many people do. Some people want a working person, no kids, well educated, a money earner, rich, tall, broad shoulder and on and on.

Answer 6

I think you need to rethink your marriage plans to her or to anyone right now. You need some therapy, pal and quick.

She was a virgin and you can't get over her "past"? What past? I'm confused. She gave herself to YOU. All she did was date and OK, maybe she exhibited some bad behavior.

No one here is going to be able to give you a magic bullet to kill the pain that you have caused yourself and her. But time well spent by you in therapy may help. If you are ever to be happy you must do this work with her and learn to let go. Forgiveness isn't even an issue as she has done nothing to you.

So please, for the sake of your future get some help. She doesn't deserve this. Also, use your minister to help with the spiritual end of things. And good luck. You seem sincere in wanting to put it back into the past.

Answer 7

I don't know. Can't imagine what she could have done so bad. You said she was a virgin, I guess there is alot you did not explain. I know one thing for sure if she was a virgin you will not find that very often. Yes, if it haunts you now it will haunt you later, and that willlll destroy the marriage. Sounds like you could lose a real good thing. But do not marry someone if you feel this way, it will be a big mistake.

Answer 8

I love born agains, they have the most to hide and find ways of doing so through their new faith.

Let me put it this way, if it bothers you that much...dump her. Resentment or uncomfortable feelings a good marriage does it not make.

People have boundaries and standards. Period. Just because you don't think she will cheat on you doesn't mean that you are big enough to move on from her past. She obviously has. If you can't, be honest and own it and leave.

End of story. Grow up or get out.

Answer 9

You're giving Christians a bad name. Every time you accuse her of being "impure" you're hanging Jesus back on the cross. Think back on all the times you screwed up, and how you were forgiven. Is she not forgiven? of course she is. So let her be! Dont think you are better than her, this problem will linger in you relationship with her forever and she will take action because of it. Trust me, there are worse things in world that could be happening in your realtionship!

Answer 10

Why r u so curious about her past? Is it simple curiosity or is it deeper than that---perhaps a bit of voyeurism? You claim to love her and I believe you, so let her past stay there. Don't bring it up, unless she wants to discuss someting.. I have seen several relationships end over this very issue.....love her for who she is now not what she once was...we all have a past and things we are not too proud of.....so cut yourself and her a break and move forward....if u find urself stuck, not being able to let this go then I suggest you see a counselor... blessings