I wrote a short begginning to a story,rate,and make comments?

Question

(Thankyou.)A very cross dutchess from the Elvish Kingdom entered her carrige stiffly.As she sat down she cracked her neck twice,and pulled her trail in quickly.As she sat back she began to think why she was going to this affair."Peace?"She thought to herself,as she heard the horse hooves beating rythmatically on the dusty ground.-c-


"Why would the Elvish kingdom be going to a peace ball,if we have done nothing to enhance,or rebuke the previous battles?"The elf thought to herself shaking her head softly.
As the carrige came to a stop,she pushed the white ringlets out of her pale face,revealing her pointed ears.-c-

AS she was helped out of the cart,she revealed her simple,yet some what elegant dress.It was a deep green felt,that was laced with black silk ribbons.A green chocker was strung around her neck,it contained the elvish seal,which was an emblem to her country.In the necklace it carried another important signature,her name.-c-

(This IS the first draft.I'll work on the sentence structure later)

Answer 1

Stay away from generalities in writing a story. Using phrases like "a very cross dutchess" or "simple, yet somewhat elegant dress" paints an extremely vague picture for your reader to follow. Narrators who are wishy-washy do not tell captivating tales, narrators (especially omniscent ones) who have poor eyesight when it comes to revealing to the reader (who is hearing about all this second-hand) the details of what is going on is not going to be an affective storyteller.

Don't assume for the reader that they are seeing what you are seeing, and therefore you can use shortcuts to simply get out of the work of describing what is going on. How did she sit stiffly and/or why: is she prim (and therefore with a rigid carriage) is she stiff, is there some social protocal she is observing that demands this? When you 'create' a world for the reader, no matter how 'familiar' you may think it is to everything else that has gone before, you must assume that the reader only knows what you/the narrator tell them. For each author, each story has its own social and historical 'uniqueness' that, however common to other stories, is never assumed by the reader until later in the book. Later on, the reader might go "Oh, thats like the elves in LOTR, or the elves in Salvatore's books" but even then that can change in an instant depending upon where the narrator takes them.

Don't just imagine a story, imagine a story as if you are telling it to a bunch of people who have NEVER heard anything like it before. Detail is everything; the more detail you bring to the story, the more depth your reader will find in the lines.

Answer 2

The TRUTH? The descriptions of the idea in you head is very good however; grammar and structure is poor. Perhaps this is just a rough draft? That would explain.
ex; She snapped her trail into the carriage as she began to sit.
hope I've been some help here and keep the words flowing!
Jackie

Answer 3

First I think this could be a very interesting story. The sentence structure may be slowing me down a bit. Careful with starting to many sentences the same. As she...As she. Maybe play with your wording, help it flow. Keep it up!

Answer 4

it has great description, but please don't make another 'good against evil' cliche with magic all over the place. lord of the rings is enough (and, needless to say, the best). by the way in the first paragraph you used ''as she'' as the start of a sentence twice, consecutively. aside from that it's good, could you give us a clue as to the plot?