When is it time to get a divorce?

Question

I am a 21-yr. old male married to a 28 yr. old woman.

She has been emotionally abusive to me: she loses her temper, gives me the cold shoulder, has broken objects, thrown away my pots and pans (I love to cook)...

As fast as that can happen, she can love me like a new boyfriend and lavish me with affection and sex. Perhaps thats what gets to me the most: how fast she can bounce between hating me and loving me.

In addition, I'm getting her a green card (She's from Canada). When she gets angry, she'll often make a remark like "I'm only staying for the green card..."

Should I believe her, or is it just anger talking?

In spite of all this, we are usually both happy and loving towards each other. It's just that lately I notice the negative is increasing and the positive is decreasing.

We are both full-time undergrad students.

Any perspectives? Advice?

Answer 1

She sounds like she's a borderline. Dump her and run for the hills.

Answer 2

Sounds as if you both could use a little time out from each other. She doesn't sound very mature if she throws, breaks or tosses your things. That sounds like a temper tantrum, grown ups don't behave that way. As long as she gets away with that kind of behavior, she will continue it. Maybe she does just want you for the green card. Since I don't know her, I can't say. You also have to examine your behavior. What are you doing to proke her?If anything. You have to realize that hot, hot sex does not mean Love. Sit down, make out a list with 2 sides. On one side, list all her good qualities & on the other, list her poor ones. If the bad list is longer than the good one, then it's time to quit. You might want to see a marriage counselor also. They really do help. If you can't afford one, go through your county health program. They all have them. I do wish you the best of luck..

Answer 3

Not to be rude, but have you or her considered the possibility that she may be bipolar? My mom is bipolar and struggles with mood swings between a great mood and a horrible mood pretty quick. It used to be much worse but since going to counseling and getting on the proper treatment it has improved greatly. She did similar things to my dad (such as cutting the computer keyboard cord, ripping up a book of his etc). Also she had/has a tendency to go from 0-full speed temper wise...something small can escalate to screaming, crying etc in a matter of a few minutes if she's having a bad time. But it's still not nearly as extreme as it used to be and isn't NEARLY as often. So that's just a thought, especially if most of the time it's loving relationship. However, as I said, after counseling (they went together to save their marriage and that's when my mom was diagnosed and began treating it) it has greatly improved and now my parents have a wonderful marriage...still in love or rather "fell in love again" still kiss laugh flirt etc. They're happy that they pushed through and overcame the "for worse" in their marriage to get to where they are now and both say that it was worth it, although it took time. Contrary to what other people on this board seem to believe I don't think that a mental disorder or struggle is a valid reason for divorce simply because "it's hard" or whatever. It can be overcome if you both are willing to deal with it. If she's not willing to deal with it, that's another thing and would require a lot of consideration and thought since it does lead to verbal, emotional, and mental abuse if not physical. My other thought is that maybe she IS just using you and she manipulates you with her affection. Maybe she'll be awful to you and then decide she wants something so she turns around and butters you up with affection etc. again. If she's willing, try going to marriage counseling or something. I definitely believe in "for better OR for worse" after watching my parents and the final outcome but in the long run you'll only be able to keep the marriage together if she wants to as well and is sincere in her love (even if she has an...interesting...way of showing it sometimes) and motives.

Answer 4

I have been divorced for four years and recently got engaged again to a wonderful man. What you have to decide is this: how miserable are you? Do you dread going home because you are not sure what kind of mood you are in for tonight? If you find yourself staying away from her and you are unhappy, then it is time for you to go. And, it doesn't sound like she is always that happy either. Because behind her green card comments, there is probably some truth or she wouldn't keep saying it to you. Remember that love is never supposed to hurt.

Answer 5

Interesting, even before I read the body of the question my first thought was: When it is abusive either verbally or physically. Believe her!!! And if you don't get out now you might get out when they haul "YOU" off to jail. What do I mean? When a relationship gets abusive a man cannot win even if she beats you up and you just protect yourself. The courts will crucify you because you are male. I have just gone through this with my Son. Even after the woman said, "I lied" and my Son's attorney asked her in court and she admitted to it. Still he was the perpetrator and she was the victim by the law. I better stop here it makes me very angry. Please protect yourself. Get out...

Answer 6

If you have done everything you know to do to try and save and work on the marriage and there is no hope then that is when to go for divorce and seperation but then and only then... Seek help and counseling for you and your marriage first before getting out. Do not let her just stay for her green card. She may need anger management classes to help her with her anger.

Answer 7

A freedom or a top is a state granted permission to do something interior a definite skill that they later set with proceedings. that's a shaggy dog tale. All of politics is a shaggy dog tale. Telling somebody they are allowed to be loose isn't real freedom and is even worse being a entire perversion of what a top or freedom relatively is.

Answer 8

I think, when you ask yourself this question, it IS time. Unless her temper tantrums don't bother you - think about getting out. It's not gonna get better, only worse with time. She's being very disrespectful to you, which is not good in a relationship. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of; learn from your mistakes and move on. Any relationship has its troubles, but a good relationship is free from outright abuse and disrespect.

Answer 9

Run i think she only wants her green card went threw the same thing.But if you do love her try to work things out maybe things will get better. Good Luck

Answer 10

I am embarrased to say, but I act like your wife does. It really sounds like you are describing me. And I am not happy in my relationship, When we have a fight I will say "I'm only here for the kids". He thinks I am only saying it because we are fighting, but I say it because it is how I feel and it is a safe time for me to say it and get it off my chest. Then I can cover it up by saying I was mad. She will leave you as soon as she get's her greencard. Yours and my relationship are not normal. Run before she gets pregnant to really trap you.