paralyzed with fear want to leave my husband of 7years?

Question

Help me. I want to leave my husband of 7 years. He never wants to have sex, is very inconsiderate of me, etc., does not want me to work, wants me to stay home with kids even though we need the $ I could make. I am scared and try to figure out how to leave him. I have not worked for 7 yrs and have 3 kids under 9. I feel stuck. Pls advise. Every time I begin a job search I have difficulty b/c my job experience is ancient and so is my BA. So I stay to feed, clothe, and house our children b/c you cannot rent a place w/o income. My family lives 3 hours away. Should I take my kids out of school and move down there? My husb gets very upset when I try to talk with him but does not change and he will not go to therapy. My therapist always pushes me to divorce but I feel I cannot if I cannot support myself.

Please only answer if you are married w/kids.

He works a very demanding job in the IT industry and makes a good living; however, it would be beneficial for me to work.

One question below was "do you enjoy being a mom?" I absolutely do, but I actually do not enjoy taking care of my husband's autistic son. So, that, is a challenge, yes. But I guess he would be my responsibility since *my husband does not take care or enjoy the children.*

When I married my husband, his son was 1.5 years old and undiagnosed. His bio mom is deceased and I adopted him. So, no, I didn't know he's autistic.

WE'RE NOT MAKING IT on his income. Can't you people read?

Answer 1

This question is kinda close to my heart. Here is my personal plan and maybe it can help you too. FYI. I have 3 toddlers. I have been home with them, but I also got my Real Estate license. The classes weren't that big a deal and a lot of time you can do them on line. Then, once your get your license, go to work. You can even start as some body's assistant. That way, your getting your feet wet in a new field, possibly working just part time, and preparing your self with a new skill that you will eventually be able to make a living with. The RE industry is full of women supporting their family. Good luck, I hope this helps.

Answer 2

First of all...You didn't exactly say that his income wasn't paying the bills in your original post...You just said that you could use the extra money...Not the same in my world!!! If you really need to have a job to make ends meet then go out and find one! Tell him afterwards, and if he doesn't like it too bad! Maybe doing that will shake him up a bit!! I would still suggest for you to have a mothers day out once a week or so. Many churches and such sponsor these kinds of things and you can get out with other women and feel like you are more than a housewife and mother. Secondly, What I am hearing is that you feel trapped in the house with no adult stimulation (even from him) and you want to get out.
Will leaving him actually help matters? Is the autistic child the main reason you want out? Only you can decide that one...not your therapist or anyone else. If you do decide to take the kids and go, do so with the intention of scaring him into understanding what you are feeling and need from him...He may get the picture if he realizes that you mean business...Then and only then go back when and if he will listen and understand what your needs and wants are and agree to go to a counselor with you. I would definitely suggest someone other than who you are seeing now...This person may not have your families best interests at heart...

Answer 3

my situation models yours, my wife left me for the sort of the same reason, Is your husband abusive? Does he do drugs? probably not or you would've said so. Basically, you're wanting to work, you feel couped up in the house, and not validated for your efforts. Is that a reason for leaving your husband? My advice: stop hanging out with negative influences. Do you enjoy being a mom? It doesn't sound like it. You want more money and freedom. If that is what you want, then do him a favor and leave him, but don't take the kids. Don't try to save face by taking the kids away just so you can look like a good mom to you're extended family. The kids would have a better life with their dad if all you want is money and freedom, because by taking them, you definately won't have any time or money to yourself anymore. (2nd answer) You adopted the child and now you dont want him. Boy, I read you like a book. BTW, it looks as if the only two good answers have a thumbs down. Sometimes people are looking for a pat on the back when they're in the wrong, don't let that be you.

Answer 4

I stayed married to my first husband for many years after I knew I didn't love him or want to be with him - a total of 17 years. I did it for the same reasons as you. If you don't want to be there, please get out. Go back to where your family lives. Your children will adjust. It is just as hard on the kids as it is you, even though they would never admit it to you. I know that because my kids were the same way. They didn't tell me for a couple of years after I divorced their dad that they were relieved that I made him leave. Once you move you can do many things, including going back to school and taking courses that bring your skills up to date. It will be hard, but not nearly as hard as living the way you are. Good luck!

Answer 5

you know its not easy to divorce someone i know i was married for 14 yrs to a very ungrateful man but i thought if i stayed til my kids were grown it would be ok but thats not a good reason to stay you can always get up for school and updating ur job background it can be done i have three children and i am a single mom so i know how hard it is but u need to search ur soul to make sure this is what u really want and then talk to a friend and family get all the support u can and then just hold ur head up high and let ur kids know u are strong for them it will not be easy but can be done im living proof

Answer 6

one mother to another...I know anything serious can and usually causes fear.... but don't let yours paralize you! you deserve the best... you know what it is that is the best options for your family..... I am not making light of your fear though.....I think we all get that fear at crossroads..... because it affects more than "us", it affects our children...the monetary issues are easier to address than the other reason you give here... so I will start there......if you leave those issues will still be there... in the form of "child support"... "single mother" and so on..... but, I do not know if you have considered that if he is controling you, your money and/or income, then it is a form of abuse... it is an almost over used word, I know.... but he is subjecting your family to a lower standard of living and won't listen to any outside advise (ie. the therapist) so have a sit down meeting... let him know you ARE re-entering the workforce... give him your reasons.... start with "This is my life, I married you.... you are my partner... but at the end of the day, when I look in the mirror? It is ME I answer to" actually you word it your own way... it will come out better, I am sure.... remind him though he is there to share your life, grow with you, grow old with you..... but not to dictate how you will spend your life.... and that a little extra income would take some of the burden of providing for the family... if he has any "issues" with you working he needs to discuss them... if they are valid, take them into consideration.... but let him know he is husband, friend, partner not owner! you cite here that your work experience is ancient as is your "BA"<-- college? you are a step ahead of most of those who face the same question you asked here..... it does not matter how "old" your experience is, re-entering the workforce they will ask why you took a long break and why you are now re-entering the workforce.... just be forthright and honest! you took time to start and nuture a family and your family now needs your expertise out in the field, as opposed to home.... you will have a better chance than any other canidate for the job... regardless of whether it is corporate or a grocery store... your other reason.... that is a very personal thing.... and again.... my opinion (if it is good or not I do not know?) is... come right out and ask him why? why don't you want me? it could be stress, work, tired... or... maybe he really does not "want you?" if that is the case... it makes your choices easier in a way.... it hurts, I know... but, if he does not "want" you? there are so many more "fish in the sea" but before you make a choice that affects five people, think back though to when you two first set out together.... where did you two want to go on your journey of life together? did you get "caught" up in day to day as children came along and forget how you two made the other feel? can you still share everything (anything) with him? is he your support? does he make you feel valued, special? do you do your best to do the same for him? can you, have you tried to talk to him about any/all of this? if you have.... "IF" you answered no to most, all the above questions? you should look up the number for your local womens crisis line .... there are low-cost, free legal aid... and they can and will help you set up daycare in some areas housing too.....for abuse victims... which musch as you may not "want" to fall under? it is... to control another's ecomonic, and or social life? is abuse..... I never knew it seven plus years ago when I left my first husband... it was after almost ten years.... he was very controlling.... and then some.... I had three children with him.... I was terrifed... I had no college, had HS nights, after my first daughter was born.....so I do truly hear where you are coming from! to echo another person who answered your question? my heart goes out to you.... and I agree with yet another... pray! ask for the guidance.... and in the end..... follow your instincts... you know best what is good for you and yours....I hope I have been of help.... and not added to your confusion..... good luck....ummm... also? sorry if this is too long, boring?

Answer 7

Trust me, you will be able to support yourself and your kids just fine. Just think, at the moment you are having to support yourself, the kids AND the useless lump you're married to. So if you leave him, that will be one load off your back.
I agree with your therapist. If your family are willing to help you out until you get on your feet, move to wherever they are and then concentrate on updating your education or whatever you have to do to have a chance in the job market. Don't discuss it with loser-boy beforehand, just go.

Answer 8

Keep looking for a job and check into a community college, they offer short term classes to obtain certificates such as a CNA, RA, etc. The medical field is always looking for help. Once you get a job, you'll be in a better position to leave.

Answer 9

Check your area for any "Woman in Crisis" hot lines. These are professional people that deal with woman in your type of situations. You can talk with them and ask all the questions and then they can give you a step by step action of what you need to do. After viewing all your options, you can then decide if it's better to stay or better to go.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

My Heart goes out to you if you have any beleif in GOD now is the time to use it and ask him for help Trust me i was in an impossible situation or so i thought i was married for 8 yrs and endured more than any one person should ever have to but all i could do was turn to him and not only did i get out but 9 months later i was happier and cant is no longer in my vocabulary!! NOTHING IS IMPOSSILE I PROMISE AND I AM PROOF YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS!!!!!!!!