If you aren't in love - why are you married?

Question

I've been reading through all of these conversations and have found countless people who say that are or were in love but that it went away but that they are still together...why? How is staying with someone that you aren't in love with - love? To me it's pure selfishness and lack of faith that there is someone else out there that will love and be in love with you forever....answers?

Answer 1

Fear. People are afraid of the outcome of divorce. What to do with the kids? What to do with the house? The car? Where to live? Why did he/she stop loving me? Why did I stop loving them. It is a viscous cycle and it is hard to get out of. I am looking down the barrel of divorce myself, except I am not the one who wants the divorce. So you have to keep in mind that it is scary and extremely painful. Especially if you have been married for any length of time. How does life continue when you have been flipped backwards and don't know up from down? There are always a bunch of reasons to stay and a bunch of reasons to go, but I think the main motivator is fear.

Answer 2

People who aren't in love stay married for many reasons. Some of them have been listed by other people (below), but I think (from absolutley no experience in the department whatsoever) that it's because they would lose everything that they had become familiar with and be put in a foreign and awkward situation.

But then again, they also might stay together for the kids, or the house, or the comfort (which is similar to familiarity), or because of peer pressure. It depends on the individual situation, actually.

Answer 3

I think that a lot of times the people that get married may not have truly loved each other in the first place. Perhaps it was all just some sort of puppy love.
I mean, many people marry so that they can be with their good-looking spouse and have unlimited sex. Or perhaps because they have always dreamed of having a big family. Maybe they do not get married because they are truly in love, but because they thought that 'this person is the one i need that is going to fulfill my temporary longing/dream,' ect. It's just a theory. I'm not sure if it makes sense.

Answer 4

People who stay with someone they don't love are just usually scared that if they let go of what they have even if it's nothing that they will end up alone. The feeling of being alone seems so much scarier than being with someone you don't love. At least when your in a relationship you can say so but it's different when your not. I agree with you completely. If you don't love the person you should be willing to take the plunge and risk being alone for your happiness and the happiness of someone else but some people don't see it like you and I. I know lots of my friends are scared to be single because they don't like having to be independant and don't think they can handle it. I hope that helped you even just a little.

Answer 5

I stayed in my marriage years beyond when I should have for a lot of reasons. My kids were the main reason. No one wants to think of intentionally hurting their kids. You know when you get divorced it's going to tear them apart and you worry about what it will do to them emotionally. That's hard enough as it is. But a lot of it's fear based too. Will I ever meet anyone who really loves me? Will I be alone forever? Will I be all right financially? Usually by the time you realize that you've been hanging onto a loveless marriage, your self-esteem is so low that the possibility of a better life is scary. Sometimes it's easier to stick with the certain misery than the uncertain potentional. If that makes any sense? I'm glad I was brave enough to want more for myself and wish that for anyone feeling stuck.

Answer 6

Im in love, never knew what it felt like until i was 15 years old. I was a big tomboy, hated boys, but Now I'm 20 years old and happily married to the same man I first fell in love with(and NO, i have no children), we have a wonderful relationship, Falling in love is a gift, some get lucky and find it fast, some people spend their whole lives searching for it.
People who arent in love stay in marriage for many reasons,
think about the consequences of divorce, so many crazy things can happen.

Answer 7

well..i fell in love and got married...didn't think abt compatibility...will it work or not or anything...and u know what...we live a life eachday...we wake up with a kiss and sleep with a kiss...its been 2 yrs....but in those 2 yrs there has been times when we both don't even want to look at each other and so mad that we keep wondering why r we together ..once we kool down ...back to kiss and sleep and wake up..i guess after few more yrs..after we have many more complaints or responsibilty increases what we feel might change but it will just grow more matured than to this puppy love...attimes i think why can't we be like the crazy people what we were 6 yrs back..when we first srated...as it was much more exciting and fun...but now sure it has come down but we have grow a lot...so it just goes in hand...
i don't know if this is the answer to ur q...but...longer we go in a relaton we get to experience lots of changes but it not necesarily be decrease in love or whatnot...but a deep mature love...may be we loose the puppy love but will fall in love with him more...
hopefully this remains true for the rest of my life...i will be so happy...hopefully...

Answer 8

well a couple of reasons, marrige is hard to get out of, alot of money involved and you dont want the short end of the stick, also if you have kids if you divorce then the kids are more likely to do bad things, like drugs, sex and what not and it hurts them alot. So its not really selfishness its also for the good of the kids. Some are convinced that that love will come back or maybe its a phase. Maybe they just prefer to be really good friends. Its difficult but sometimes you just don't want to screw anything up.

also you could be a gold digger and marry for money lol.

Answer 9

Good question. I think that after a while, you are used to being with someone. Whether or not you are in love, you are used to being there and used to them being there. The companionship is sometimes more important than the love.

I do, however love my wife. We are happy and looking forward to growing old together. Still, we sometimes get into arguments and we sometimes get on each others nerves. I think that is just part of it. I do believe marriage is forever.

Answer 10

That's a major misconception that leads to tons of divorces. Love isn't just a feeling that comes and goes. That's infatuation, fuzzy feelings, etc. While those feelings tend to accompany true love, they're not necessarily part of it. Love is a choice, willing yourself to serve another person. Although that doesn't sit well with hopeless romantics, it's the truth. I might not always feel like I'm in love, but I always love my wife. To give up on trying to love only causes more pain than being unloved.