Every single day,
My heart fades away,
Pain crushing my soul,
Falling into the rabbit hole,
Can someone help me,
How about you,
Were in the same problem,
But we can pull through.
2007-01-21 08:02:54 · 6 answers · asked by eli 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
This is very cliche.
Cliches are far from good, like this poem. Everyone experiences pain and sorrow, and from all of the poems I've read only a few poets manage to communicate the emotions effectively, all others simply follow the same formula.
If you want your writing to be good, put more of YOU into it and less of the cliches.
2007-01-21 08:25:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's good. Kinda catchy. Hopefully your emotional state is more upbeat. Pain is a natural part of growing, so remember things get better just as often as they get bad. Keep up the good poem writing!
2007-01-21 08:10:40 · answer #2 · answered by Dfire 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It needs more concrete imagery. People like to visualize what's happening when they read a poem.
PS: What' with the rabbit hole? It doens't fit with the overall sense of sorrow. I don't know about you, but bunnies make most people happy ^_^
2007-01-21 09:03:29 · answer #3 · answered by Boo 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you started out rhyming, and then had trouble coming up with something to rhyme with "ME", and "Problem".
this poem is cliche, an exhausted idea, banal, and a run of the mill poem.
keep writing, and gain more experience writing. your craft will get better with time and practice.
2007-01-21 08:12:59 · answer #4 · answered by Dreaux~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This would sound good set to music
2007-01-21 08:12:41 · answer #5 · answered by Cookie Preston 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its kinda sad but it sounds good
2007-01-21 08:10:32 · answer #6 · answered by Katie-bug 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋