How do you deal with someone who comes off as hostile and is unwilling to acknowledge it?

Question

My partner is a hard-working guy and a perfectionist. When he is upset he becomes defensive and unreasonable. Often he gets mad because he thinks that people are overlooking him or taking advantage of him or slighting him in some way, when they're not. If there really is a misunderstanding and we try to make things right, he holds grudges and won't give us a break. When we have gently tried to point out that things aren't how he thinks they are, he argues that he's right and refuses to see another point of view. We'd like to work well together, because he's so great at his job, but he doesn't see how hard it is to deal with him, and after awhile we feel like giving up, but we have to work with him, no way around it. Any advice?

Answer 1

It may be that your partner feels that he is being judged particularly if, as you say, he is a perfectionist. It is because he is feeling judged that he is a perfectionist. Thus it could be that if you let him know that you will be with him whether or not he is successful in his endeavours. This is not an overnight development and will take some time but the outcomes can be phenomenal. Hostility is a multidimensional construct that is thought to have cognitive, affective, and behavioural components. The cognitive component is defined as negative beliefs about and attitudes toward others, including cynicism and mistrust. The affective component typically labeled as anger refers to an unpleasant emotion ranging from irritation to rage and can be assessed with regard to frequency, intensity, and target. The behavioural component is thought to result from the attitudinal and affective component and is an action intending to harm others, either verbally or physically.
There are at least 26 measures of hostility and these are reviewed in Matthews et al. 1984. The cognitive component is usually assessed by the 50-item Cook-Medley Hostility Inventory. This scale was derived empirically from the MWI originally to identifv teachers who get along with pupils and has been subject to numerous validity studies documenting its ability to predict negative attitudes toward others. The affective component is often assessed by the 20 item Spielberger Trait Anger, which asks about frequency of feeling quick tempered, hot-headed, and flying off the handle. The intensity of angry feelings is assessed by the 90-item Novaco Anger Inventory; this scale asks for the intensity of reactions to hypothetical situations. The Buss-Durkee hostility scale is a self-rating scale with 76 true-false items, yielding 7 subscale scores that assess the cognitive, affective, and behavioral components. There are several interview ratings methods for assessing hostility from the Type A Structured Interview or Videotaped Structured Interview. These methods require extensive training in recognizing overt signs of annoyance and argumentativeness as well as more subtle signs of sullenness and uncooperativeness.

Answer 2

I would say acknowledge that you understand him. You've said a lot of good things about him here, and I think it's important you communicate that with him one way or another. It sounds like he feels he's being taken advantage of, and acknowledging things you've just told me would make him feel you're not trying to.

You should let him know you're on his side.

"From my point of view, I believe you are a fair, good person who often feels you're taken advantaged of. Am I wrong?"

"Is there anything I can do where it would help you feel you're not taken advantage of?"

Also give him a chance to confirm or deny any of these statements you make. In fact, don't make statements, let him be the one who decides "I'm a smart person who's open to change." You should merely make suggestions in the form of a question.

Let him know you understand why he would think the way he does, considering he is a very intelligent person, it is not easy for you to suggest otherwise.

But because you recognize that he is an intelligent person, you also recognize intelligent people don't see things only one way, much in the same way we now realize the world is round.

Once you have shown you've taken the time to understand him, and exactly why he would look at something a certain way, he will be more open to take the time to understand you. Even the best of us, all humans are creatures of emotions above logic, despite what we want to tell ourselves.

It is a lot easier to accept change from someone who is on our side, than someone who is opposing us.

I should also add; this isn't an easy thing to do, since we are creatures of emotion ourselves. By doing so you've actually demonstrated that you are have taken the effort to be someone who is on his side.

EDIT:
In choosing what is the best course of action, ask yourself the simple adage question:
How would you like to be treated, if you were in their shoes?

Hope this helps,
Ken

Answer 3

People who always think they are right can be reasoned with quite easily if you know what QUESTIONS to ask. Its called the Socratic method of debate.
Lets say I say "The sky is orange"
You say " What color is the ocean?"
I'd say "Blue"
You'd say "What colour is a traffic cone?"
I'd say "Orange"
You'd say "What colour is the sky closer to a traffic cone or the ocean?"
I'd say "Well its pretty close to the ocean."
you'd say "Then the sky is closer to blue then orange. For you stated that the ocean is blue and the sky looks like the ocean"
Ok granted that was pretty basic and poorly scripted example but it works like something similar. The point is I convinced myself that the sky is blue through my own reasoning with you to guide me!
As for the grudges it is hard to teach a grown man about forgivness and letting things go. I shall ponder this for a gentlier way.

Answer 4

Why did you ask this question so many times? I consider this to be hostile! Just kidding!! LOL!