How can I forgive and forget?

Question

My bf of 6 years and I got into another fight last night. We were out at a bar, which we frequent often. I'm tired of him always looking or should I say "gaulking" at women that are the least bit remotely attractive. I feel it's disrespectful to me. Looking at people is one thing, but when you constantly keep staring/looking it becomes very distracting to me. SO, this lead into a heated discussion regarding something he did 2 yrs ago. He went to a strip bar, and within a short time started calling this african-american 20yr old girl. Calls were every day, 4-5x daily and early a.m. (2:30 am) My bf at that time was 42 yrs old, now 44. I find it unbelievable when he says it was just talk, silly talk, and that nothing happened. What would a 20 yr old striper want w/a 42 yr old man, and vice-versa. He said he never had sex w/her. Can't get that vision out of my head, and it's now 2 yrs later.

Answer 1

Wow.

This is just my opinion, but you may forgive, but you can never forget because it did happen.

First things first, some guys will always gawk. I do too, and I've been married for a few years with two kids. The difference is, I NEVER do it while I'm with my wife because I respect her and I don't do it out of courtesy. She knows that guys will do that, and as long as I don't try to make contact or act on those impulses, we have a trust going. It is a big matter of respect, and he should not do that around you because it hurts your feelings, and you've even told him that.

And no, he really shouldn't be calling anyone else, no matter what their age is. If he wants to be committed to you, he should be. If he thinks that's nothing, turn it around on him and ask him if you were talking to a 21 year old man, and called him, how would that fly in his camp?

State your grievances with him, and if he doesn't think it's a big deal, then he's really not worth your time.

Answer 2

You need to evaluate what kind of relationship you and your b/f really have. Frequenting a bar frequently does not sound very entertaining to me. Do you have any other interests in common? Do you get along otherwise? Are you both drinkers who more or less go to the bar because of hidden needs? Those are just some of the questions you could ask yourself. It takes a lot of guts to look on the inside. Men do in general like to look at strippers and so I would say that a stripper bar is not exactly the place for you.

I would evaluate the common ground and then talk to him. I would explain him how I feel, why, and what I intend to do about it---and wait how he responds. All this of course, in an adult fashion, no screaming, accusing, or interrupting of each other. That usually will bring the topic to discuss up---

Answer 3

Why are you interested in forgiving if you don't trust him and feel he disrespects you by gawking at other women? Six years together is a long time to be putting up with the behavior you describe.

Time to move on perhaps? Otherwise...you forgive by choosing to do so. That also means, once you have forgiven him, the issue is DONE. It can't be brought up in future arguments or held against him down the road. As for forgetting, why would you want to? The memory will fade over time...but to forget typically isn't desirable...we need to remember what has occured in our life, else how do we learn the lessons from it?

Answer 4

Some men can't seem to help themselves. Being a wife, I would not tolerate the gauwking! It is very disrespectful. My huband has NEVER done that to me. The whole deal with the stripper is crazy. Okay, let's say they haven't done anything. I would say if given the oportunity, it would happen. You don't just talk to a stripper half your age. You should have kicked this jerk to the cirb a long time ago. Trust your instincts!

Answer 5

Move on and fina real man that doens't need a strip bar. Hun, its been 2 yrs and u can't forgive. Maybe it just isn't ment to be.

Answer 6

As human beings we cant forgive and all we can do is forget. Be smart about it, its 6 years invested, ask yourself what you make u feel better about this? and then no matter how crazy it seems go and do it...make peace with it because your happiness is your responsibility,.

Answer 7

If you really want to forgive him,just say it to yourself and believe it,and you will eventually.If you want to forget it,you have to trust him first.He has to be an honest person,and be trustworthy,before you can "forgive AND forget".So it might be possible that you could never just " forgive and forget", It's as much up to him as it is up to you.

Answer 8

You should have left him 2 years ago. He is a pig. Get away from him.

Answer 9

don't torture yourself any longer.Theres so many men out there. just be-gone, far gone to another state and teach his asss a lesson,you'll find another.

Answer 10

Dump that idiot. Find a man that respects you.