Is this the same as an ultimaum? I don't mean telling your b/f significant other "marry me in 6 months or else

Question

I mean if you have been in an exclusive committed relationship for almost three years & going in to the relationship you both defined the parameters, that you wanted to get married eventually, but you knew that there were impeadmnets IE both had young kids, crazy ex's etc. If after being patient (agreeing to wait until after the holidays to tell kids etc) then being patient through unexpected crisis, Ie death in immediate family, marriage of a child, business falling apart, etc. you find that you are still in love but that you seem to be making 90% of the compromising. you are no further towards a wedding date than ever. You do notice tha in the past year he has finally made significant changes to include you and your kids more into his life IE you are now a major part of his older kids lives, have full access, key and open invite to home car office etc. he still drags his feet when it comes to his young child age 11 , not spending time together, it is more like you live separate lives

one life together, the three days per week that you don't have you kids or the or the 4 days per wek he does not have his, with very few occasional short periods together when you have kids, then complete together ness the other times 24/7. If you make a time in your own mids that you will make a decion with yourself to either continue to live like this or if things have not progressed for example in 6 months that you will end the relaitionship & get on with your life, is this thesame as an ultimatum and also lets say you haev told yourself this, in 6 month son my 40th b-day i will end this relationship if i see no forward progress, do you let him know that you have made this decion, not as an ultimatum but more for your own peace of mind and need to move on?

Answer 1

Your sentence structure and syntax are a bit garbled here, but correct me if this is not correct:
'You wish marriage, and you feel that all of these things in life that have occurred will go on anyway, (life which includes others is just like that... crazy exes and all) but they are not proper excuses to postpone a marriage any longer. Your lives are intertwined, you each know all the baggage that the other carries, it is now time to decide to go forward as a couple, or call it quits'----- is this correct?

Assuming that this is the correct interpretation, here are some things for you to think about:

If he really does not want to marry you, is it THE deal-buster? If the answer is 'yes' then you need to know that.... if you are willing to continue your relationship as it is, then marriage is not the deal-buster, and you say nothing, and keep things as they are.....(and nothing beyond here is even relevant...)

Assuming that you wish marriage---you do indeed present the ultimatum, fully realizing that it may indeed be over, but at least you know where you are.... and if he can't handle that you do wish marriage, you have been strung on long enough. Try this on for size, and refine it as you wish... but again, hon, don't do this if the way it is, is better than loosing.....

"John... I do not see my future without you in it. There will always be little problems in our lives with other people pulling at us, simply because there are others with whom we have relationships, --- children, exes, families---- and agreed life for us each would be simpler if these other people and their problems interacting with us were not there... But they are, and they will not soon go away.

"I wish to be married, and I wish to be married to you. And my desire to be married is now becoming greater than my desire just to be with you........ To me marriage is not a simple piece of paper but a commitment saying to all the world that we are an indivisible team of love, support, and providing a positive enviornment in which to raise our children.... If these are not your feelings as well, then we are at a crossroads, and I need to get on with my life, as you do to, each of us without the other.... I am not going to call you... but If I do not hear from you by_________, I will assume that you have no wedding date in mind, marriage is not a priority, and my wishes are not to be considered...."

Do not hesitate to make notes, and apologize that you have made them as you read to him, because you wish to not be mis-understood.......

This is indeed a "fish or cut bait" ultimatum. He either calls, and has a date, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then you put up an ad on Yahoo, Match.com or other places and find a guy who is willing to be married....

Good luck, hon. Know how you feel, and starting over is not the most fun.... but others do it, and find what they want...
Been there.... and found the prince on Yahoo

Answer 2

From what i can understand from your question, i think that whether or not it is an ultimatum does not matter. Truth is that if you both continue to go through the same episodes and not moving forward to better your lives then the logical thing to do is go your separate ways. Why does it matter if it is an ultimatum or not? That isnt going to make it any better or any worse. i mean if you finally put ya foot down and said look it is going to be this way so that we can grow together and the other person does not agree then just do what makes you happy. I wouldnt call it an ultimatum; i'd call it peace of mind. Life is too short! Stay blessed!

Answer 3

your asking should u wait on marriage, as u think u have been quite patient and fair about all this, and want to know if it's okay to leave if a date isn't set or u see no progress, if u can live without him and feel u are right, than leave him, and tell him when he makes up his mind about it to call u, but that u feel u have been extremely patient and unless he is willing to invest more, that u are leaving, but u have to be willing to follow through, doesn't mean any of this is going to get him to agree. but be true to yourself, u know what u want out of life, and he isn't willing to give it to u, everyone else seems to be his priority but u, can't say i blame u for being hurt.

Answer 4

I would let him know your feelings. I wouldn't say 6 months to him. I would just tell him that you're thinking of moving on in general. Perhaps you should try moving in together first to see how it will really work. Good luck.

Answer 5

just put the kids first and make your decision from your heart.

sounds like you definetley are not ready to marry this guy, so whether you go your separate ways six months from now, or in the near future, you should just do what will make you happy.

Answer 6

I'd get out the calendar and pick a date, then go tell him we are getting married before a Justice of the peace this week or you are out of here.

Answer 7

You have waited long enough. Six months won't change things, so just do it....

Answer 8

so what are u asking? its not very clear at all