Should I call it quits with my husband, his ex-wife is making our life hell?

Question

I have been married for 2 months, my husband left his ex-wife because she was abusive 3 years ago we met shortly after his divorce. I understand if she says jump, he says how high, she calls he drops everything for his daughters even plans with me. What I don't understand he shuts me out sleeps in another room when he comes back from being yelled at by her. And does not want to talk to me about it. I understand she is bitter she will always be bitter, she is not seeing anyone, does not work,
she see a therapist ( we pay for that) and has for a long time. Her family is a bunch of wacko's brothers both cheat on their wives, father is an acholic, mother has been married 7 times..We are her and the girls sole support, she does not work , but she does not want me around her kids I have to leave our home when they come over and spend the weekend with friends.I am a MD What would you do ? He is afraid to fight her because he does not want to lose custody we are both in our late 30's.

Yes I love my husband we dated for 1 1/2 year before we got married never tossed anything in her face got married just the 2 of us. I am a MD and spend alot of time working and weekends is really the only time I can spend with him, he had a really shitty childhood, in and out of foster homes went into the army at 17 for 12 years, gilrs are young 9 and 11. She did not start all this until after we got married. Yes I am getting tired of paying our bills, he pays all hers. But I knew what I was getting into finacially and I can afford it. I just did not expect her sour grapes attidude and bad mouthing my ex and me to the girls. She has only been in theraphy since the divorce.

Answer 1

Walk away and have a separation. He needs time to figure out who is more important: you or the ex

Answer 2

Oh, what a terrible situation. How do you feel? Perhaps you should get some counseling. I don't think there is an easy solution here. My first response was no, don't leave him, if you love him and you think he loves you in return. I'd also try couple counseling. This woman does not sound very strong nor have the financial means to actually carry through with a custody battle. I think it is really unfair you have to leave your own home when the kids come over.

I think I would start off with some couple counseling and perhaps some individual counseling to get a better perspective on the situation.

I wish you the best of luck. I've been there and it does get better but it is a lot of hard work.

Answer 3

First of all I have been there. I am married to a man with a ex and one child. She has give us hell for 10 years. It has made us stronger. Your husband should stick up for you and put her in her place. Is all the support he gives her court ordered. First of all the courts will not take a child away as long as the parent is paying child support and you should not have to leave your house so he can see his kids. You are married to the man. The ex should not expect that. It is your home. If she runs you all down to the kids they will grow up to see that. He should do for his kids but no reason to do for the ex. You married him not his ex wife, don't worry about her. Keep trying and hang in there. I would get a lawyer and talk to him about this. None of this should be going on. He should be a man and talk to you about this and not block you out of his life when she is this way. He don't have to deal with being yelled at by her either. The only contact they should have is for the kids that is it nothing else. But don't leave your house for them it is your home. If he wants to go on with her saying they can't come while you are there then he needs to find somewhere else to take his kids during the time he has them cause you should have to leave. Good Luck! Don't give up if you love him. Work it out.

Answer 4

First of all, you leaving won't solve anything....except for her getting her way again. You and hubby need to have a long talk about the future and how he is already pushing you out of his life after only two short months of being married. Those girls need a stable home and someone to lead by example, obviously the mother is failing them!! As far as you having to leave your own home, that is obsurd,if you are his wife and there is no just cause for you to leave, such as being abusive to the girls in any way, you should stay there and stop catering to the ex. It doesn't matter if she doesn't want you to see the girls or not, she has no control over that, and you guys are just feeding the fire......That is your house, your home and if you think about it YOUR step-children....Please don't let anyone control your life but YOU. You married this man for a reason, you don't want the girls to witness another divorce. Good Luck to you...

Answer 5

I say stay married,this women wants you to leave him. Now about him he needs to get some damn balls and tell he's only there for his kid's, and if she's this bad I think the court would gladly hand over the kids to you 2. I've also had a bad childhood and been in an out of foster care but I didn't let that get me down, I picked myself up and moved on. He's not married to her anymore and theres a saying a kid would rather be from a broken home then live in one... So talk to him about trying to get full custody.

Answer 6

Why is she not working and helping to support the girls ? She is seeing a therapist how can he loose custody? And why are you being made to leave the home when they come over ? I dont think you are telling us everything . I would report her to cps and get the ball rolling and you two should fight for custody because she does not sound healthy and the environment is not good for the kids. You have quite a bit of ammunition to fight her in court with . I would definatley talk to someone from cps about her and her environment . . Well I hope I helped and good luck to you.

Answer 7

Your husband behaves as if he has two wives. I would not stand for that no matter how muchI loved him. He needs to grow some balls with her and you need some with him. He does not have to deal with her at all. She is harming these girls by using them as leverage to get her needs met. She is obviously the unstable parent here and any judge will see that. He only needs to pay child support. And be a good dad to these girls. Instead of spending money on his X he needs to take her to court because she is abusing these children, his children. Now he is mentally abusing you. Tell him you want to build a future with him and for the children. You will not continue to support her. And you will not tolerate his alienating you to take care of her. He will not lose custody, she has nothing to prove he is unfit. If she trys to take the girls from him , he can easily turn that around and she will be the loser. Tell him to stop feeling sorry and responsible for her. The children and you should be his only priority. Remember you have a responsibility in this too, you are enabling him to continue this behavior by supporting him financially and accepting his actions.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like you are getting the short end of the stick. Marriage should be based on love and respect, your husband isn't showing you much of either.

He is allowing his "ex" to call the shots and it's wrong. Being "afraid" of losing custody may be a concern but it isn't a reason to allow his "ex" to turn your lives upside down.

What concerns me the most (and should concern you) is the fact that he "sleeps in another room when he comes back from seeing her). Why aren't RED FLAGS flashing in front of you???

I think he needs an attorney to clear up this mess, how he got stuck with paying so much for her to sit on her butt is a mystery to me.

Both of you need some serious counseling if your marriage is to have any chance of surviving. If your husband is unwilling to do what it takes to give your relationship every chance I think I would seriously consider moving on.

No one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. If he isn't willing to meet you half way and work through these "issues", I think you should seriously consider walking away from this relationship.

I wish you the best.

Answer 9

I've been in this situation myself for 4 years and I'm sorry to say that unless you have the 'ex' sectioned you are never going to get away from her. I've tried sticking this kind of thing out for someone I truly loved but ultimately we were destoyed by her constant poison.
Your partner needs to stand up to her and take the risk of a fight (which you will stand shoulder to shoulder with him on) or accept that he is abusing your relationship. You have rights too you know. Sometimes understanding a problem can actally make it worse.
Be honest how much longer can you stand her telling you what to do and paying for the privelege of it?

I read all the extra bits you added and I'm sorry, you can't just let this happen. I have a really shitty past too but it's not some lifetime excuse and my future is the most important thing to me and it should be to your husband too. I'm sorry hun but someone's got to make a stand...she's driven you apart and out of your home already!!!

Answer 10

YA, that women has him right where she wants him! What you should do and this coming from experience. I had a ex that was the same way with his ex. I was totally open minded about him having kids with her and everything until it started to affect us. After several mouths of the both of us putting up with her crap I finally told him that it was over and that I was not going to put up with it any longer and broke up with him. Pack up your things and get divorce/annulment. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better off now with out their drama. You will be too. Until he can put her in her place and let here know that he has a new life and she can not be a part of it in anyway. You both will not ever be happy together. He has to learn how to do his part to be a good father to his kids without having to involve her. It has been done. She comes from a messed up family and those things tend to not really go away unless she totally separates herself from them all together. She needs to learn to live with out him as well and get her act together and get a job. Not just for her but also for her kids. You seem like you are a good person and do not need to go threw all of this. Get out of that situation before it gets worse and you end up hurt.

Answer 11

Get out NOW! before you invest any more time. Why would you leave your home when your step children come over. F#@$ that ex wife and your husband.
What did you even get involved with this man in the first place? Your husband likes to be abused. Some people are into that weird stuff. Unless you like to be abused mentally I would get out.