Why do some smart, educated women date and marry thugs and ex-cons?

Question

Is there a need to challenge themselves?

I've lost several of my female friends because they married guys who didn't allow them to have male friends, and who on top of that treat them badly.

And these are women with advanced education (master's or a doctorate) marrying men who barely finished high school and have a story of problems with the law.

What is the attraction the polite researcher feels for the drunk biker?

Answer 1

It depends on the woman's personality and background; could be a "Florence Nightingale" syndrome where she feels sorry and the guy and he would be a success if only he had the right love and understanding.

There there is the "Bionic Six Million Dollar Man" syndrome where it is a challenge to try to "rebuild him, make him, better, faster" etc.

Other women like the security in "knowing" in their heart they could do better if the drunk biker decides to leave and it is a power/control issue problem. By being "better" than the man, they feel they are in control of the relationship (but in reality, further from the problem)

If the woman had domineering father figure in her life or a bad relationship with her father, she might think in her mind that she does not deserve any better.

The worst case scenario are women that are co-dependent and derive their own self-esteem from being the "good" person that puts up with the "bad" person's crap and horrid behavior and gets sympathy from other people for her martyrdom.

Answer 2

Unfortuanetly many women have control issues, and the intelligence of a woman is one thing men can't take from us. If a woman is "smarter" than her partner, she has the opportunity to control the daily situation, paying bills, planning, scheduling etc. It is a "mothering" syndrome...and some women like it that way. It is a bit of a challenge to some to "break" the biker of the "rough neck" lifestyle, so some women I am sure do it for the game of it. However, if that man conforms to the "rules" set forth, then that man is no longer attracted to them. Some women also do not know that being in an abusive relationship (if they are in one) isn't the only way to be in a relationship--so they stay because they don't know any better. Some women have, on many different levels a need to be dominated, whether it be in the bedroom, in the lifestyle or what ever they need to be told what to do, or feel like a charm on the arm of a "rough neck". It is a challenge for some. Unfortunately it is a predisposed mental image that women grow up with for what ever reason, be it their parents, grandparents, or the attempts to be completely OPPOSITE of what they were in growing up. It is hard to nail down what exactly causes this--however they can change, if that is what they want. It is up to them to decide whether they are unhappy in the relationship if they want to leave it or not.

Answer 3

Now there's a question. Sadly, education doesn't seem to make some women "smarter" when they choose a partner.

I don't think women who are mature, confident and successful ever hook up with "thugs and ex-cons". They look for someone who is going to respect them and treat them right.

I believe that the women who hook up with "thugs and ex-cons" have low self-esteem. The don't believe they deserve better so they allow themselves to be treated poorly and often they are abused.

Any relationship based on love and respect isn't "threatened" by one partner being friends with someone of the opposite sex. If your female friends are allowing any man to "control" who they see, their relationship isn't a healthy one.

Maybe the "bad" boy seems "exciting", but not for more than a passing "fling". Most intelligent women would never consider making them their "life partner"! Honestly, would you take them home to meet your parents? Would you pick them for the father of your children? Very doubtful.

I feel sorry for your friends who have hooked up with partners who mistreat them. Hopefully they will realize their mistakes and move on. Education doesn't always make people "smarter".

Good luck to them all.

Answer 4

I think its the attraction to a little bit of danger. I for one have an attraction for it but can't say I would marry a thug. Get out have a little fun on the edge and thats it. A lot of women with a lot of education have low self esteem and gravitate towards these men who show them a little bit of attention even if its the wrong kind. Its kind of sad.

Answer 5

You might have described my recent life story with this question. I am educated, higher than average IQ, capable, great career, supportive family and friends. Yet, yes, I fell in love with one of "those". lol

You will have many people who give you a stereotypic answer that someone like me has no self esteem and believes they deserve to be abused. Nothing could be farther from the truth in my case, and in the case of many, many others. I think you were far closer to it when you asked: "Is there a need to challenge themselves?"

I have thought on this many times over the past few years. I am a strong, independant woman and I analyse situations/problems, solve problems and advise people on a daily basis. In short, I have great confidence in my abilities to analyse and "fix" things. That's not to say I really believe I'm infallible, but in my case there's a temptation to believe that I'm smart enough and skilled enough to solve anything. Unfortunately, not so when the "fix" relies on others to follow your direction and then do it themselves.... because then it depends on them and takes away your control. There are other variables of course, but this is the general scope.

So needless to say further, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and I know where I stand. It drives me nuts when people automatically assume that I have little or no self-esteem. I know exactly who and what I am, and truthfully have a low tolerance level for generalizing and stereotyping. Bottom line is that such women sometimes fall for such men, often not BECAUSE they are "barely finished high school and have a story of problems with the law", but more IN SPITE of it. It's the particular person and personality she falls in love with. If anything, it is OVER confidence that causes her to stick with him and try to work it out, not lack of it. She's much less likely to give it up because she believes in her heart, no matter what, that she can "turn him around". Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

BTW, Thanks, I loved your question! :) Sorry my answer was so long!

Answer 6

I'm a Star Wars fan and I think it is summed up in the movie...
Hans Solo (Harrison Ford) tells Princess Lea that she "needs" a scoundrel in her life...that she "wants" one.
When you have been brought up walking a certain path in life and either you have reached your goal or are close to reaching it and you look around and see you have missed out on some aspects because you have been narrow minded all your life...some women find men that have or are living on the edge a thrill, they live the other side of life through them.

Answer 7

Some women are attracted to the "bad boy" image. They also think that they'll be the one to change them and turn them into a loving, caring man. Unfortunately, once they're married, they soon realize that the idiot they married is a scum bag who will never change and they're stuck with an abusive, male chauvinist pig.

Answer 8

I guess it is simply the bad boy image. I have graduated high school, been in the military, and have done some college but have dated men that get in trouble and like to fight. It is kinda sexy to me when someone isnt scared of getting into trouble to defend you.

Answer 9

Because women are naturally geared to find the strongest alpha male to protect their young. The roughneck thugs come off as such on the surface. It's all covered on the National Geographic channel.

Answer 10

cause the bad guys are a challenge for them and trust me they are not happy with them being controled and sometimes more trust that it won't work out 90% of the time just let them know you will still be there for them when they are going to need you