Should I stay or should I GO? I am married to a man I have been with since l9 yo. I am now 40 and have never

Question

known him to have genuine compassion for me. I say this because there have been recent times when it shocks me to know he would rather not hear or see me hurt when I am sick, he has allowed his family to put me down without it really bothering him and has basically told me, he feels like he should have never gotten married (15 years ago) - which is something I have always wondered about. I feel he doesnt have compassion for me and was basically told I was right. I can give many examples but the most hurtful is that he knows how I feel and doesnt care... We have two children, acquired very nice things, have a great big house and a very nasty marriage. Our children are 11 and l5 and have heard it all. Its been saddening for me to know for all these years he'd rather be single and more sad to know what we are doing to our children. I believe compassion is VERY important and must be present in a successful marriage if not, there is no marriage... HELP?

Answer 1

It sounds like neither of you are happy - none of you are happy. What are you waitiing for. Make that change.

Peace!

Answer 2

Compassion is only a byproduct of LOVE. Love is actually what you need to feel that your husband has for you. Many men are not good at the type of compassion that women read about in Romance novels. As a matter of fact, a simple feeling of empathy would be much easier for a man. Women who constantly complain can kill the feelings a man has for his wife in time. You need to work on being a pleasant wife who shows empathy and understanding. All the things you have both acheived in your marriage... has it ever occurred to you to tell your husband how happy and fortunate you feel to have the nice things he has been able to provide for you and your children. Maintaining a nasty marriage takes a lot more effort than being a kind, caring, and concerned wife and mother. You do your part, then see if it changes the atmosphere of your home. If not, after a truly sincere effort on your part, persevere until your children are grown. Make the choice to provide the best possible life for them while you have them at home. Be the positive influence in your family's life. Take the focus off of what your husband needs to do for YOU all the time. Put the focus on the lives of your family and making the home a fun place to be. Hold your tongue. These things are what a really great MOM does. She makes sacrifices for her children. You only have them at home for a short time and how they feel at home follows them for the rest of their lives.

Answer 3

Telling someone to end a marriage is never easy to do. Is he physically abusive? Really, if your heart isn't in it, you will regret having stayed with him when thee are men out there who would love to be with an honest caring woman.
Have you seen the Bridges of Madison County?? Awesome movie. Really it is the same situation, just that he wasn't a bad husband.
You need to let your heart tell you what to do. If your relationship is that bad you are teaching your children what a marriage should be and they are likey to have the same type of relationship. The boys will treat their wife like your husband treats you and the girls will look for a man like their dad.
This is not, of course, true in every situation, but the possiblity of it is highly likely.
You have been married a long time...can you support yourself and your children without him on a daily basis?? Would he fight you for custody?? Would he fight for the house?? All these things need to be considered.
I would go and seek some proffessional help and maybe have a conversation with the 15yr old before making a decison

Answer 4

Why are the answers always 'leave and start again' or worse still ' leave taking everything he has and start again'. Doesn't anyone try and work things out. None of us is perfect, so the problems are not one way, but a combination from both the partners. Do you know how he views you? Maybe he feels that you have never had compassion for him. Maybe he doesn't realize how big the issue is with you? Why don't you explore these avenues before listening to the man haters who view marriage as a means to financially castrating men.

Answer 5

So when your first child was born he was questioning if he should have ever gotten married because the reality of children was new to him. Since then you have have not forgiven him. What is the statue of limitations? so you have been sad for fifteen years? Sounds like depression.

Your biggest complaint is he doesn't show compassion when your sick and that his family puts you down and he dosen't stick up for you. Yet you say you have a very nast marriage. I think you need to be a little more realistic about your contributions to all of this nasty behavior.

I think maybe you should consider a little counsling.
Sounds like neither party is playing fair and your looking for an excuse to cheat.

Answer 6

Since you've already talked to him and he don't seem to care then I say go. Mainly because he said he shouldn't of gotten married. That is just mean to say that or anything near that. I feel bad for you but you need to pick yourself up and be an individual and not worry so much about him.
Imagine yourself a very old woman. Look back on your life and ask yourself if staying or leaving was worth it. That might give you a new way of looking at things.

Answer 7

I am 42, and I got divorced last year after 19years and 10months of marriage. Just like you're describing, my marriage should have been over much earlier. For years and years I had tried, forced myself to feel better (my kids are now 19 and 13), and it did not work. It took a lot, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I decided, there are only 2 ways, either you keep feeling horrible, 'cause after 20 years it is not changing, tried everything, or you get better.
Well, I am much better right now. I am actually happy and not miserable anymore like I had been for too many years.
Life is beautiful, and there is a part of it out there for you! You don't have to suffer just because of your kids, 'cause, guess what, you're not happy, you can not make anyone else feel happy! My kids are happy for me now, also!

Good luck!

Answer 8

There are many reasons why you have chosen to stay on this marriage even after knowing the sad truth, maybe you should think aloud , do matirialistic things, family and what ''others'' will think more important than ones own happiness, no one lives forever, and there are no second chances, life is what you make of it, so my dear, wake up, list your priorities and take it from there, i think you are brave and your future is in your hands.

Answer 9

Now that you know where you stand with your husband
it's time to think what will be better for your kids as they
are still young and need a strong mother and father even
though both of you are having marital problems: Once you
know for sure that it will not work out then you need to
move on with your life as you still have children that love
you. They are the support you need as they will help you
go through the healing process. Concentrate totally now
on your children and what will make you happy that way
you won't have time to dwindle on what your husband has
done to you as now you have to occupy your thoughts
on you and your children; Be strong and be a woman and
strive ahead as you have lots to live for . Wish you luck.

Answer 10

You should do what is best for your children, if leaving you husband is it than go for it. You need to be happy and your children need to be happy and loved do you feel you could provide this? Would marriage counselling save your marriage? I hope you find the advise you need.

Answer 11

If this is the way you feel then why have you stayed with him this long? 21 years of unhappiness and abuse? What kind of examples of 'marriage' and 'love' do you want your kids to see, know, and practice? I think you've already answered your own question.