Monster-in-Law!!! HELP!!?

Question

OK, I have the worst mother-in-law ever. I thought I had heard all the stories before mine lives with us & is convinced that we live w/her when WE pay the bills. She's sick & uses it to her advantage, I have caught her. We're newlyweds & because of her, the honeymoon is OVER. She acussed me today of stealing her DVDs when the woman is a packrat & u can't find the carpet in her room. I have told my husband how I feel & it's getting old. I told him that she needs to be out by March or I'm leaving. She now has $$ & a new car. Why can't she just leave?! She's been leaving since October & she's still here. My husband feels sorry for her because of her horrible life. I feel that gives her no excuse to ruin our marriage. She always asks where we're going/coming back! When we don't bring her anything back, she storms to her room & slams her door like a child. I am sick & depressed on a daily basis & I hate coming home everyday. Is this right? Am I wrong? What would YOU do? HELP

It's mine & my husband's place. Our name, our bills. She lives with us. Sorry, this place only lets you write so much.

I feel that on occasion, I am too nice and I feel that I have been violated because of this. My husband has told her that she needs to get her act in order and start looking for places, she is excited and already ready to go, but again like I said she is still here.

She says she is looking into places that she can live but she isn't even packing yet. She is a packrat er.. horder that we can't even enjoy home because of the overwhelming plethera of everything she has brought into our home. When we moved her out of her last place, she told everyone she was packed & ready. We ended up having to pack for her & buy an extra wknd from the place she was living so they wouldn't kick her out. It ended with her crying % screaming at my family who came over w/kindness of their hearts to help-- yelling at them for moving her stuff. She has a big problem, I know it & she has actulally admit she is a pack rat & thinks that it is funny. If I ever mention a thing about needing help around the house she goes off on how she is hurting so bad but darn it put food on the table you would think she was wearing rollerskates. I am very nice & courteous to her face. I feel that she should be thanking us for living in our home. She has never thanked us for anything.

Answer 1

oh hell to naw you need to change the locks when that b**** is out and only let your husband in. you better belive if it was me she would have got out on her own or i would have thrown her *** out

Answer 2

I truly feel for you. You must feel like you are between a rock and a hard place. I had a medling mother-in-law. I am now divorced from the guy.Hopefully that won't happen with the two of you. It sounds like your husband stands up to her some-but obvisouly not enough. Is there another relative she could move in with? Or a friend? How bad is her health? You are newlyweds-she needs to butt out! Where/when you go somewhere/come home-not for her to always know. You both are adults. As a married couple, he as your husband, is to put you ahead of his mother. Your needs are to be more important. She has money-and a new car-why isn't she heading out to be on her own? At least to give the two of you the opportunity that should be there to be newlyweds. In the Bible, a verse says "For this cause, shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife". A couple of things: if his mother is to continue living with you, there need to be some rules for her and the two of you to abide by. First, maybe write up a contract, signed by all of you, and if you want, sign it in front of a witness, or a notary public. She should agree to pay something towards room and board-even $100.00 if possible. Her room sounds like it needs someone (or two) to go in there, and clean and organize all her "stuff". She can probably pay for the crates, etc. that you will need to put her stuff in a more organized way. Whether she stays with you or not, if she is in the area, possibly you and your husband could plan a night once or twice a month to go out to dinner together, or out to lunch on a weekend, etc. Plus, with the contract idea, you really want her out, put it in writing, with the deadline date of when she needs to be out. Signed by you as mentioned above. No matter what, you and your husband I hope if not already, plan "date nights" and an occasional weekend away from home. Wishing you the best. Take care.

Answer 3

I thought I was the only one. My mother-in-law decided when I had my little boy to try to step in and become the mother. I jumped her a lot about it. My husband will not stand up to her for me. He sat there and let her call me very bad names on the speaker phone. He would go outside and call her back after I hung up on her to tell her he was sorry. But in return told me he was taking up for me. He was worried she would not give him anymore money. My in-laws to this day is still bad news. They treat me like crap. When I am at work they take my husband and kids out to eat but they do not bring me anything to eat. They give me the cold shoulder when I am around. But they are ok when I just let them do or say what they want. I do not blame you if you want out of that situation because I would not be able to handle living with her and her being a pack rat. If he does not take your side then he is crazy and I would leave him. My husband is the same way with his mom but I have no place to go. My mom and grandmother passed away last April and June and they would have been the only ones to help me. Plus I don't go around his parents but you have her right under you so that is where I would draw the line. Then maybe you and your husband could get back on track as a married couple. If you need to talk email me! [e-mail]

Lynn

Answer 4

First I would sit down privately with my husband and talk it over. Make sure you are both on the same page all the way. Then discuss boundaries. What she needs to know and what she doesn't. For instance, she needs to know if you two need a night a lone and she needs to plan accordingly. She does not need to know where you are going and what you are doing. You two also must discuss when you want her out. Set a date. If you have to set a schedule for her packing as well. Let her know that she must be out on the date chosen and that she must have all of her stuff out of your house by a certain date as well. If not her stuff will go into storage under her name and she can pay the bill herself. Also, you might give her atleast one of your bills to pay while she is living with you. She should give the money to you so that you can pay it (this way she can not get out of paying it). Then once you and your husband have made a plan and are ready to inform her of it you will both be able to stand as a team and get her out of there quicker. Otherwise she will try to divide and concur. Don't let her. Be strong and work together. And stop telling your husband that it is his mother or you. You will regret it later if you don't because it will make him insecure. Good luck.

Answer 5

I feel sorry for all of you. When my dad was still alive and sick he came to stay with me for awile. He would expect everone to be at his beck and call. He never interfeard in anything but he would have a little pouting fit like when he wanted a costco hot dog and i wouldn't jump up and go get him one. So I understand what you are saying about the guilt, the tantrums,and I also understand she is angry. Her life is no more the same and that is hard for them to face. It also sounds like she has I think it is called alyzheimer,she may really believe that you took things that she can't find and may reallly believe that it is her house.And no matter how well you think you may be hiding the fact that you hate her (or maybe you don't)lol she knows this and so you are going to be her target in everything as she sees you as the enemy. Try taking a nicer approach with your husband, tell him that you love him so much and feel so sorry for him but maybe she would be happier in a place where there are people her own age. Like the senior living complexes. Or the senior mobile home parks.(or the rest home) She will have friends and people around her that do things like bingo and movies and music and such. And that you understand how he must be hurting but that you feel like if she continues to stay that you will fall apart and that it is not good for your marriage. Maybe he has no idea of what to do and can't just tell her to hit the road. Help him with ideas.

Answer 6

I had a similar problem with my mother-in-law at the beginning of my marriage (now celebrating 12 happy years) and what we had to do was put up a united front and let her know that she was not going to drive us apart with her petty manipulations. A lot of it fell to my husband to tell her that this was our house and this is how we wanted things to work. Until she moves out you're just going to have to be patient and try not to put your husband in the middle as that is a very tough place for him to be - torn between the two women he loves most. You need a good friend to talk to so you can be as hostile as you want, verbally, about your mom-in-law and not worry about putting more pressure on your husband. I understand what you're going through, but it won't last forever. Offer to help pack by bringing home some boxes, but pack nothing without your husband present otherwise she'll just blame you for moving her stuff. When you feel really tense...lock yourself in your bedroom and listen to relaxing music or watch a good movie by yourself. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well, your husband probably feels torn, between his wife and his mom. This is very sad...You and your husband should be enjoying married life alone, and still on your honeymoon.
I would not let this woman control my marriage any longer, This is something that is not mean, to do, although she may think you are being mean, Your really not, your trying to take care of your marriage.
If I were you, I would take the steps myself to get her out, and on her own, Look into Low Income Apartments or something..maybe something close by, Let her know you love her and you care about her and you will check on her daily, But you need your husband and your marriage to be saved.
Sit your husband down and explain all this to him..Let him know you cant live like this, he shouldnt want to either...
If she is really sick...get her step up in her own apt, help her with her bills, as far as money management, stop by and see her occasionally also, she may be real lonely..
I wish you luck, I know this has to be a hard situation...

Answer 8

I can only say this: You're Husband HAS TO STAND HIS GROUND WITH HER AND BE A MAN!!!
This women knows exactly what she's doing, she 's manipulating the both of you and you both allowing it.
Give her a date to vacate and if she's not, have movers come and pack her stuff and move it to a storage if need to.
She is being extremely SELFISH and will in time ruin you're marriage.
You and your Husband MUST do this together. When she sees she no longer has the power, she will leave. This kind of behavior only works as long as you are not united. Don't worry about her crying, anger or other childish behavior, stay tough and together. It will work, using TOUGH LOVE!!

Answer 9

I know you are probably seriously not going to like this answer and it will sound like i am not wanting to be sympathetic but seriously i had a mother in law that destroyed my marriage and i was just like you i was nice to her face and then bitched about her behind her back to my husband at the time and he acted all understanding and told his mother to back off but the more she did the more i bitched and geuss what in the end he turned it all around on me and said that was his mother and i should have never put him in the position to choose and geuss what she did horrible things but he chose her,and since then my new husband who is 15yrs my senior has informed me that you should never talk about anyones parents and so i dont because i learned the hard way that no matter how bad they are they are his parents so if you love your man i would just bite my tongue so that she can not turn things around on you!!!!!!!!!!!! because she will and that is all she is after to split you up so she can have her baby boy back and if you have said anything at all to him about his mother than she already has the upper hand,not you be careful there is a fine line between family members and you are about to cross it!!!!!!!

Answer 10

We all have a monster-in-law in our lives...mine happens to my husband's monster-in-law (my own mother).

You are "re"-acting to her rather than acting. If you had children you'd probably know what to do ;-).

If she stomps off and slams the door - let her.
If she accuses you of stealing. Ignore her.
If she cries sick call an ambulance. Or, better yet, tell her that until she's dead or blood is draining from every opening in her body you're busy.

This is your house, not hers. She's lonely but not stupid. Her life is what she has - and is - making of it. Its not her son's or your fault - its hers.

Don't allow her to run you or your husband's lives or emotions or marriage. Son's are very close to their mother's so don't come between them or give him an ultimatum. Also, make plans to take her "Saturday at 10am" for places to live. She must go with you. Tell her the day before - no excuses. You find her the places. You take control of your life. Don't allow her to control you. Don't pout, don't act like a baby and don't stay in your room. Have a great time with your husband and talk about what you want. If she doesn't like it - she'll stomp off. Let her.

Remember what all of us with hateful people in our lives remember...keep your friends close...and your enemies closer. Very wise words.

Answer 11

What the woman is putting you through is not right, but you have to remember that she is your husband's mother. You and your husband need to talk your situation through and come up with a decision that you both can live with. It seems that she must go, but it has to be how and when you both decide and the mother-in-law needs to understand fully why she has to go. It's never good to end things on a sour note.