What to do?

Question

Im getting married in May. About a year ago my soon to be father in law told me exactly how he felt about me and it was not nice. He in so many words summed me up as a Bit**. Of course my fiance to up for me and didnt talk to him for a little while. Now my soon to be father in law is addicted to drugs and my fiance has confronted him about it several times and he promises to stop but never does. He makes promises to my my fiance and breaks them all the time. My fiance act like it doesnt bother him but I know it does. What do ya'll think about this?? I love my fiance a lot and Im willing to stick it out, Im always there for him no matter what...but today he decided he was going to spent time with his dad. And it seems like hes always mad at me when he is with him. Like his dad tell him mean things about me or something. I was really upset about him not spending time with me instead. Am I being a baby about this?

Thanks everyone for you support and kind words. Im really sweet and not at all how his father views me. His father never said he was sorry. I guess I do still hold that against him. Its just hard to forgive someone who was so mean to you. Any suggestion on how to stop holding the grudge?

Im 22yrs old

Answer 1

OK. I see two separate issues here.
1) Your future father in law doesn't like you. That's really sad for you.
2) Your future father in law is a drug addict, That's even sadder for your fiance, & his Dad.

In both cases those issues are between your fiance, & his father to resolve. There is little you can do except be supportive of your fiance, & I hope he will be equally supportive of you with his family.

I have dealt with addiction in my family, & I have learned that there is not one single thing you can do to stop an addict from taking his drug of choice unless, & until he is ready to stop & get help for his addiction.

Addicts lie, lie, lie & lie again. Thus the false promises from the father to stop. It's just the nature of the addicts life. Everything is a lie, & they are so used to telling lies that the lies just fall from their mouths. So your fiance would do best to not trust anything his father says to him until he has spent a significant amount of time in recovery from his addiction. His Dad may say mean things about you, but you & your fiance need to remember that addicts lose themselves in their drugs, so much so that the drugs infiltrate the hosts personality. So it's the drugs that are talking, not necessarily him, & he will continue to be adversely affected by the drugs even during times that he seems to be sober.

Obviously there are many issues that need to be resolved between the father, & the son. The time your fiance is spending with his father could be well applied toward resolving some of those issues one way or the other. I hope that they do that. It could help the both of them.
Meanwhile, you would do best to remember that it is not all about you. The stuff that needs to be settled between father & son, are probably rooted farther back in time from when you came on the scene.

When your fiance comes back from his visit with his Dad, offer to lend a sympathetic ear if he needs to talk. In the past his anger may have seemed to be directed at you, but I am willing to bet that you really weren't the object of his anger, so let it go, but don't let him get away with treating you unfaily either. Just realize that it probably has nothing to do with you really.

So the time your fiance spends with his Dad could be useful as long as he comes away knowing that he really won't be able to help his father until his father is ready to accept the help he needs. Such as checking into a rehab centre.

Good Luck to you all.

Answer 2

Wow, you have a tough situation there. I think you are being very nice about all this. There appears to be some serious issues going on between your future father-inlaw and future husband. Getting married will not solve these issues. Are you willing to spend your life in this situation? Being second? Your husband always enabling his father? Tread carefully, keep your mind open to what you will hear, seek advice from others close to you, and then rethink the relationship. Ask the hard questions now. It's your future happiness that is at stake. Will this man bring you happiness? This is a tough question. This is a tough situation. No matter what you choose, keep your eyes open and remain strong. Seek advice from others when feeling confused or overwhelmed.

Best wishes! You are a good person, but being good doesn't mean you have to settle for second.

Answer 3

No you are NOT being a baby. A child also thinks his parents are perfect(for a little while at least), but some event changes that.
What you are talking about is very similar. You may feel guilty deep down that this parental figure is doing all these things, and you think it would be bad to be reactionary about it. But honestly, I think you need to stand up and say something. Show him whose boss. When you get married, you will have to live with it so work it out now. A man is meant to leave his family to start a new one - and that should make his new family (you) the centre of his life.
I know of people who've gotten a divorce because of a mother who couldn't let go of her daughter, don't let something like that happen to you. I can't stress this enough - this kind of thing can get worse and in five years you may be getting a divorce - it is serious.

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear your difficult situation. Unfortunately, with marrige comes in-laws. All people carry bagage. Granted, life doesn't deal cards equally to everyone, but if you love your fiance you'll be able to work through it together - as he would if the situation was reversed, correct? (Because there will come times in your life together when you will need his support and understanding.) Try to be there to understand and listen when he needs to talk. Tell him so. If he is afraid to talk to you about these issues, this may be the source of some of your problems. If the difficulties between him and his dad are seriously affecting your relationship with your fiance, then perhaps consider counseling as an option. Many wonderful, loving couples seek counseling for such issues, simply to prevent serious problems, because people are not given a life instruction manual. I highly recommend trying to sort out such issues before getting married - or atleast have a game plan. When you enter into marriage, it should be about you and your husband-to-be. Marriage brings many problems of its own and you should be fully aware and prepared to deal with the issues you already face. Don't be embarrased to ask your fiance about counseling. My husband and I took counseling before our wedding just to strengthen our relationship. If all else - you should speak to your fiance about how important it is to be open and honest with each other. Talk about things that bother you. When couples don't talk, partners can develop feelings of distrust, and have difficutly with forgiveness (as you are). Be patient with each other. Talk to each other - you will have to go through everything in life together. You will be each others' best friends. Learn to rely on each other. All things in life are easier to handle together. Keep your focus on the good things that marriage will bring to your lives. All the best and happy marriage to you! (Let this situation be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship...)

Answer 5

Even though that is his father, if you are in love you can't worry about what others say and think. No one can hold you back if you know that you both want to move forward. Of course your fiance is going to spend time with his father, all you can really do is sit back. Maybe later on things will work out between you two, but you never know. Remember DON'T LET HATERS HOLD YOU BACK, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

Answer 6

How old are you? I dont think it said. I think he feels obligated to be with his father ( to keep trying always) and he won't be able to stop that part of himself until he steps back and really examines what life means to have his father drug addicted and at times cruel to you. In time, he will either find that he is better off without the negativity controlling his life and feelings. It takes alot to cut a family member out of your life, but if it means saving yourself then it must happen. All things work out in time.
I would hold off just a while on the marriage, better to be certain of your choice and his before divorce looms over your head. Hope this made sense

Answer 7

You're not. I think you and your fiance cannot get married until your father-in-laws drug problems are solved. If not, you and your fiance will still ague with each other even when you're married. It is clear that your fiance is very worried about his father. That is why you should show your love by being supportive and uncomplaining although it can be tough. Good luck and stay through with your fiance.

Answer 8

Yeah you shouldn't be assuming things. It is hard for your fiance to see his dad being on drugs and you shouldn't hold a crutch over your soon to be father in law. Your fiance needs support and understanding from you. Maybe you need to talk to your soon to be father in law and tell him that you are here for him, if he needs any help. Don't be selfish.

Answer 9

I have been in a situation very similar to this. Let him know how much you love him. Tell him you're his world and you would do anything for him. and flatter him. Tell him you love him more than anything. You might not be sticking up for yourself too much. Stick up for yourself and let your Fiance know your feelings about him. Don't worry, you are not being a baby about this. I have sometimes cried from situations like this. Let your soontobe father in law know more about you. I hope everything works out.

Answer 10

NO, you're definitley not being a baby about it. Your F-I-L is as useful as tit*s on a bowl! Whether or not he had the right to say those things to you, he SHOULDN'T have! He should've been able to be MAN enough to not let his anger get the best of him. I had similar problems with my F-I-L telling my (now) husband that I could not come and visit unless we were engaged or married back when we were dating! You should talk to your fiance about your concerns, but please do not come at him in a defensive way, just talk to him about it non-chalantly. Point blank, your F-I-L needs to mind his business and stop trying to control your man! If he ever confronts you again with B.S.; Just remind him that your job is not to like him, and that if he doesn't like you, then he will have to get over it, because you're not going ANYWHERE!!!!!! Hope that helps, Good luck and stand up for yourself because they will try to walk over you until they notice that you're not going anywhere!