Out of all my friends I was the last to lose my virginity (at the age of 18) and ever since then I've been wondering if there is something wrong with me. I will get intimate with people that I have only known very briefly and do things that I regret or feel dirty about later on. However, when I'm actually doing those things I feel like I should be doing them and don't even THINK about not doing them (the thought never even enters my mind). Then in very serious or long relationships I have a problem being intimate at all. I hate cuddling for long periods of time (it makes me feel sick) and I even once freaked out and had a large panic attack after sex. Every time I am with a guy (excluding my ex-fiance and current bf of 3 years who also has intimacy problems that differ from mine ) in a relationship and it gets too far emotionally I end up hating the relationship and getting out of it as fast as I can. What may be the reason I am this way?
2007-01-20 14:58:28 · 26 answers · asked by Tasha 2 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
I've never liked to hug or cuddle even as a young child which my family always found strange since I come from a very family orientated family that hugs and kisses all the time.
2007-01-20 15:18:40 · update #1
Perhaps you fear intimacy? Maybe look back on your childhood growing up and try to recall if you were given much affection (or even too much). Some people just have a greater desire to be intimate more than others (like families that hug all the time and hug everybody, but could be uncomfortable for others). It's hard to really give much advise not knowing the background, but just take little steps to figure out the WHY, then deal with HOW to make things better for yourself.
2007-01-20 15:05:15 · answer #1 · answered by qamper 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sweetie~
It is no challenge to convince a guy- most any guy to have sex. They don't even need a companion- it is, for them, an exercise like lifting weights- only less work than play.
You have somehow come to believe that your only worth as a woman is for sex. You have obviously been mistreated or had a very poor father figure. The fact that you waited until 18- so, what? You shoulda waited until you were married. Not because it's Biblical, but because sex is empty without love. Loving someone unconditionally involves trust, respect, no fear...
Don't settle for less.
My best advice (as a woman who has been there), get out of your current, going nowhere relationship. Stay away from guys all together. Find out who you are, what you love, why you love it- what is important to you and the rest of your life (which will always be way shorter than you expect). Learn who you are and fall in love with who God made you to be. He did not create you to be an object of someone's physical pleasure. You have amazing worth. When the time is right- you will find a man who loves you, unconditionally. When that happens- it's better than sex. It's euphoric beyond anything else you will ever know.
Be true to yourself. Abstain from sex until then and you will know true joy and happiness. Don't settle. This is your life- spend it well. I love you. Be blessed.
2007-01-20 15:23:10 · answer #2 · answered by skayrkroh 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, my first suggestion would be to find someone who has experience and is trained to work with such psychological issues. I'm sure you are not alone, many people have problems with intimacy. In the mean time, I have learned from experience that all our actions and reactions are based on equations we have made in our mind. We are rarely consiously aware of these equations but they are there none the less. Some we are aware of, such as chocolate equals a pleasant sensation in our mouth. My guess is your equations regarding your relationships and intimacy are subconsious and you are unware they are there. What may be helpful is writing down: long term commitment = .... , and being open sexually = ... , and there may be others that you can think of. As enlightening and helpful as this may be, it may be a much deeper issue going into your childhood, that is why I come back to sourcing out a proffesional who can work with you one on one, and/or finding workshops on intimacy and sexuality. Stay with the questioning, you have realized your life is not working the way it is going. That's how all transformations begin.
2007-01-20 15:40:07 · answer #3 · answered by Shawn V 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am the same way. Cuddling is nice for like 5 minutes and then I want my own space back. As far as freaking out about that sort of thing, I dunno... only you know about you.
Sleeping around is only "okay" if you are wanting to do it. I know I wanted to try different body types and different personalities... sounds crazy, but as long as you THINK to use protection you'll be okay. Don't do it if you feel guilty. Perhaps you are not ready for such a lifestyle... if ever. Find out what it is you WANT and go from there. Just be safe and know that you are worthy of whatever it is you want.
I was 19 when I started having sex and most of my relationships lasted only 6 months... if they were relationships at all! It wasn't until 4 years ago (when I was 24) did I meet someone special.
Don't compare yourself to your friends. Just be true to YOU and everything else will fall into place.
2007-01-20 15:07:22 · answer #4 · answered by madjennyvane 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You fear intimate relationships with people. You prefer strangers because you can cancel at anytime but, long term commitment means guilt, flaws, and rejection. I lost my mine at 15 wow I feel ****** up. But, I wound up becoming very strict with relationships after.
You probably felt some social obligation to make up for lost time by society standards but, really it's not like you were the 40 year old virgin.
Anyway like I said long term relationships with anyone means guilt, flaws, rejection, embarrassment. But, when you meet someone new you probably are trying too hard to impress them. After you do these things you face the consequences.
With strangers you are bound by no self ethics or laws. But, with long term relations you have too much conservativeness and continue to face your past consequences through the long term people as a result of short term relationships.
So you have things a little backwards in a sense. When you know someone for a long time you over rationalize all the things you can lose and rejection. But, if you open up there's a lot to gain.
2007-01-20 16:14:05 · answer #5 · answered by obscure 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Seriously, I am not saying this to be mean or make a joke of any sort. Please. Do not breed. Get some counselling or therapy or whatever and work your issues. Dont be raising a kid if you are messed up inside yourself like that. Not now at least. Being 18 you are still only a kid yourself. You are still growing. Your body and mind are still adjusting. So in sewing your oats you expose yourself to risk of pregnancy and stds. But the positive side is, at least you know better than to have a relationship with other children. Try partying a bit less and getting on with something more substancial. Better to have your life defined by something what may appear to you now to be mundane than to be defined and limited by emotions and your relationships or would be relationships. Sounds like your fiance has issues too. Misery loves company. Again, not saying this to beat up or pick on, saying this in light that you are a potential mother, so respect the future in that regard if you would.
2007-01-20 15:07:27 · answer #6 · answered by jorluke 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You probably lost your virginity too early from what I can see. You probably did it in the first place because of pressure from friends (seeing as you're the last), and you're still suffering from the repurcussions of that. The whole emotional thing can be based off of this also--that when people get too close emotionally, it leads to having sex, which you're afraid of--thus, you're afraid of commitment. Just wait a while next time, face your fears, and eventually you'll get over it.
2007-01-20 15:14:33 · answer #7 · answered by Kelly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't know whether it applies to you or not, but, I have studied symptoms of people who have suffered some sort of molestation as a young child, and your description fits the profile. Sometimes these memories are repressed. I would seek out a professional counselor, not a psychoanalyst. There may be nothing in your past, you might just have different views that dont fit in with the crowd you are in.
2007-01-20 15:33:18 · answer #8 · answered by Richie.Rich 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You just aren't ready to deal with it. I would stop with the sex for awhile. I personally, hate cuddling. I don't like public displays of affection either. Hug me you die...but... Enter into a relationship SLOWLY. It will help. Wait until this person is your best friend and knows everything there is to know about you. It may work.
2007-01-20 15:02:13 · answer #9 · answered by Shawn 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
By the sounds, you may have issues with intimacy. There may be some underlying issues regarding your past, whether it be family or close ones, about being intimate.
Perhaps, you feel that you may be abandoned post sexually.
IMO, you need to seek professional help regarding this.
2007-01-20 15:03:56 · answer #10 · answered by Mr.KnowNothing 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋