Is one act of physical abuse enough to file for divorce?

Question

What if a couple that have been reasonably happily married for over ten years and one of them hits the other during an argument.

The "abuser" hit his/her mate, but did not do serious trauma. The innocent mate was more shocked than physically hurt.

Should the other mate file for divorce immediately?

Or, give the "abuser" another chance, since the act is unprecedented?

Does it matter which of the mates (husband or wife) is the abuser?

The specific case is a wife that hit her husband.

He was shocked and only slightly physically hurt.

She has always said that if he EVER put a hand on her, that would be the end of their marriage. Never dreaming that it she would be the one to put a hand on him. And, he agreed that she should, knowing that he never would.

Now, he feels that he should approach it exactly as she always said she would. She is very sorry and says that he is blowing it all out of proportion.

Answer 1

It depends on whether the abuser is genuinely remorseful and will not be a repeat offender.

If she is not remorseful, get an attorney. If she is (or you think she is) give her a chance.

If she is not remorseful, she clearly feels that violence on her part (but not yours) is completely acceptable. If that is accurate, your course of action is very clear - FILE).

Otherwise, I would recommend that you agree to hold off in filing for divorce based on physical abuse ONLY if she agrees to all of the below:

#1: Agrees to sign an "out of court affadavit" admitting her domestic abuse.*

#2: Agrees to domestic abuse and anger management counseling (for her).

#3: Agrees to marriage counseling (for both of you).

#4: Obviously agrees to never lay a hand on you again.

The out-of-court affidavit (OOCA) would be signed by both of you, notarized, and filed with your attorney. She must state that she is documting the incident voluntarily in the document. The OOCA describes in detail exactly what took place.

This documents the incident in detail without requiring that it be reported to the police, unless there is a repeat performance.

Should there be a recurrence, you can use this in reporting the second incident to the police. This way, you report both incidents at the same time and can use it in any divorce proceedings.

If she refuses any of the above four (4) things, file your divorce papers immediately.

There is PRINCIPLE involved. Violence is unacceptable and you will only live with a woman (wife) that agrees. 10 years wasted. But, she would only have herself to blame.

Answer 2

It may seem that the act is unprecedented but people fail to realize there is generally a pattern that leads up to this.
I have seen marriages and relationships that continue for years and never have any physical abuse but was wrought with other types of abuse that led up to the physical abuse. The abuser will often start out with subtle manipulations, lies, controling certain aspects of the others life, demeaning words or acts, mind games- things that can seem innocent and for a time may go undetected but get increasingly more intense- it is rare that this behavior gets better without acknowledgement and help or even just stays on the same level- the easier it is to have a degree of control, the more control will be taken. Physical abuse is just one kind of control and once the abuser has used it- it gets easier and easier to use it. the physical abuse can sometimes be immediately traumatic, but for some, especially those who have taken a long time to get to that point, it can start out with some mild pushing or shoving, nudging, arm grabbing, swatting, things that don't really hurt but are abuse none the less- it is best to get help and assess the situation right away before 'waiting' to see if it will get worse- it does not matter who the abuser is - a woman can be just as abusive as a man.
use some hindsight and notice any pattersn of control, oppression, encouraging isolation from friends and family, manipulation, etc. Any of these unhealthy patterns are warning signs for abuse and getting physical is only the natural progression that will get worse.

Answer 3

Dear Neha, It is almost palpable that the marital bond has broken down completely and irretrievably. But sadly Indian Law as it exists today, is based on FAULT and unless fault on the part of a spouse is not proved divorce is not granted, by fault I refer to grounds for divorce such as cruelty/adultery etc. This is a little unpragmatic because when bitter waters flow it is not necessary to enquire from which source they spring, the marriage is an unworkable union and should cease to exist. Right now only the SC in extreme cases can dissolve marriage if same is irretreivably broken down, but it's a long fight right upto the Supreme Court. It may be a good idea to live seperate (don't marry) may be a live in, and try reason it out with your husband that Mutual Consent would serve both's interests well and they may part amicably on a good note.

Answer 4

Well, you say reasonably happily married, and that is an indication that this is not the norm within the marriage. I would say it depends on the people involved. Once is enough for some, others may be more forgiving.If the offending partner shows that they are willing to go the distance in seeking forgiveness and treatment for the outburst, the other should consider it. Ten years is a long time invested in a marriage to throw away over one mistake. It sounds a bit as if the offended partner may have been looking for an excuse for the divorce to me.

Answer 5

That's something you have to answer for yourself. In my opinion, a lot would depend on how the person doing the hitting reacted afterwards.

After 10+ years, I think it's would be safe to say you know whether this is out of character or not. Was it simply a reaction to the stress of the moment - or the release of stress that has been building? Is it maybe something that has always been there just below the surface? Have you seen this in the past with children or with strangers?

In general, I think the answer would probably be no. And whether it was something that needed to be seriously addressed would depend a lot on your history and the person's reaction to what they had done.

At the same time, you have to be firm in your mind that you might forgive and forget once or even twice, but you will not tolerate it becoming a pattern.

Answer 6

the day my exhusband laid a hand on me for only the second time in the 20 yrs we were married was the day i made final plans to move out asap.. there is no such thing as serious trauma in abuse.. if one lays a hand on the other it is abuse and should not be tolerated by the other partner and it does not matter who hits who or who hit first...
In my opinion.. Yes the other partner should file for divorce or at least leave if there is children involved the one with the children should keep the house they are living in and immediately call the police and make the abuse leave the house and file for divorce asap..

Answer 7

This is a hard one because of the history between these two, which only they know. This is a matter which should be discussed together with a counselor. Don't just give up. Too many do already.

Abuse is a serious issue, and after ten years of "assumed free of physical violence, one takes that next step of physically harming, its time to step back and really look deep, for the sake of yourselves and eachother.

I believe the answer will reveal itself in its own time.

Answer 8

My husband hit me once and never did it again. It is easy for people to say to get a divorce immediately, but if you have been married that long without a problem, then try to work it out. If it happens again, then get out. Make sure you are open and honest about the stress in your life that could help cause a person to become violent, it may be coming from another source that you can correct. Good luck, be smart and be careful!

Answer 9

One act can be grounds for divorce. However, given the scenario you described. This a first time offense after 10yrs of marriage I wouldn't be so fast on those divorce papers. I would be very fast to put us in marriage counseling and the one who hit in an anger management course. If the abuser, did it again...then I would be going to a lawyer for divorce papers.

No it doesn't matter who the abuser is.

edit - given your extra info - No he is not blowing it out of proportion, and she is trying to minimize her abuse. That does not speak well of her character. He should leave for a time while she gets professional help for her anger. Then, later, if he feels it is worth reconciling then he could try.

Answer 10

First, this question is impossible to answer without being given full context of the relationship.

Second, if this is a personal issue, take answers from this site with a grain of salt, and don't make any decisions solely based on what you read here.

Third, physical violence is unnacceptible, but one instance, while "legal" grounds for divorce, may not be subjectively justifiable. Personally, I've been hit by friends out of anger, but I have not vowed to end my relationship with them. I'm not entirely sure if this is a valid comparison, but I think it's the best answer I can give you without pretending to be a psychologist or counsellor.