My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We both love each other very much, but we don't have any intimacy. My husband has clinical depression, frequent headaches, and as of the past couple years, he has no sex drive. We probably had sex about 6 times in 2006. This is very hard on me, I want to be with him and will do just about anything in bed. He tells me it's not me, it's him, but I have a hard time accepting this. And any time I bring it up, he just gets quiet and feels badly. I have suggested he see a doctor, but he won't take the initiative. I love him and he loves me, we hug a lot, we kiss and hold hands, we just don't have sex, and it's taking it's toll on me. We haven't had sex in probably 3 months. Does anyone else have this problem?? I'm so lonely and sad about this, I would never cheat on him, but feel so deprived it's driving me crazy. He feels bad about it, but doesn't check into anything that might help. What should I do?
2007-01-20 13:40:33 · 16 answers · asked by summerbreeze9494 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband does take meds for his depression and it helps. Unfortunately, he does have daily headaches, but he gets up every day and goes to work and functions. He does care about things, but it seems our sex life is the area that suffers the worst. It just doesn't exist. :(
2007-01-20 13:54:37 · update #1
Sorry to hear that a lot of people have the same problem out there. I have been married once too for 5 years and this is exactly how the problems started... he had headaches,,,then we would have sex once a month,,,then once every three months,,,then 3 times a year,,,then no sex for a whole year and divorce.... because he wouldn't seek help;.... I am sorry but you guys should sit and talk about it.... because it's not right for you.
2007-01-20 13:45:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
We have the same situation - except it's not a problem, and the cause is not depression. My husband has had a low sex drive, it seems, his whole life, and things didn't change when we met. He is not depressed - in fact, he's one of the most well-adjusted people I've met - but he just isn't focused on sex for some reason. We can go a month without sex, and he won't even notice. It's been suggested to us to get his testosterone levels tested - low testosterone can cause low sex drive (among other problems), and it's a condition that can be treated. Perhaps you can suggest it to your husband. I don't have a problem with low frequency, since I myself am not very sexually-oriented; our affection for each other is no less because of it. Is your husband on medication? Some depression meds mess with your sex drive, perhaps he could try a different medication (Wellbutrin comes to mind); if he's not showing initiative in making dr. appointments - call the dr. yourself, and make an appointment for him.
2007-01-20 22:00:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you fall into clinical depression you care about nothing. It's like mental flu. You just want to climb into a shell and curl up and die. If he can't bring himself to get out of the quicksand, then someone else needs to. You should tell him how it's affecting you and others and that he needs to get some help. It may be more than an emotional cause. If you can't do it, maybe you can get someone he knows and trusts to pull him up. Don't worry about the effects of his condition; that's just being selfish worrying about you. You need to get to the cause.
2007-01-20 21:50:46 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a woman with depression and had the same problems go to the store and get some sex drive increasers there is many diff kinds u can even get them in gas stations they help and wont mess up his meds. if he wont take put them in his food one night and afterwards tell him after sex and he will prob be willing to take them now
2007-01-20 23:03:00 · answer #4 · answered by married23mom 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could be that his medication is making it worse. Most kill your sex drive. I did hear that there is one Welbutirol (sp?) that is suppose to not effect your drive and can actually increase it for some.
Low testosterone can cause a decrease in drive too. Maybe a checkup would be in order. Think you can get him to do that at least? Maybe go with and discuss it with his doctor?
2007-01-20 22:06:24 · answer #5 · answered by ma2qties 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Depression (and the drugs that help) often deprive a man of his desire.
One thing that may help is to focus on him. He may be afraid that he has no energy to please you and if that pressure is removed for awhile he may come around. Try just giving him oral sex - not ho hum stuff but prop him up on pillows, rub him down completely, slowly and with love and bring him off gently, with feeling, in your mouth and SWALLOW for heaven's sake. Nothing makes a man feel loved like being taken totally in by a woman (boy if I don't get deleted for this one...). Offer this when ever he asks for it and espect nothing in return for awhile. He may begin to offer reciprocation on his own.
Another thing to try is to appeal to his mercy. Ask him to simply give you a little consideration. Ask if he would just lay nest to you and give you an orgasm using his hand. No matter how well it goes, make all the appropriate sounds, movements, encouragement. Be sure to orgasm even if it means putting your hand over his and gently helping. Then heap on the praise and tell him how grateful and thankful you are. He may simply need to know he can please you and need to have a few successes in this area to get him started.
Of course he really needs to see a doc. offer to make the appt and to go with him. He needs you to hold his hand and walk with him through this. He needs to know that you want the two of you to share your bodies as well as your hearts and how very much you love and care for him.
I lost my husband to suicide 18 months ago. I only wish I had another chance to help him with almost the very same issue. It was only one of many but please don't let it go. Men need to know that their bed is a refuge and their wife's body a shelter, a safe place to escape the world. Please don't resort to cheating. Some work should bring him around. Seek some counseling for yourself to help you cope while you are working on him and remember why you married him. Continue to look for ways to help him stay connected to you in and out of the bedroom. Hold onto him and don't let go. Love heals.
2007-01-20 21:59:16 · answer #6 · answered by Ande 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
there is a remedy that you should be paying me but I'll throw you a bone. When he comes home from work wear something sexy and have another partner (lady) in bed with you being intimate and ask him to join i can almost guaranteed his sex drive will go through the roof
2007-01-20 21:47:07 · answer #7 · answered by Mike Jones 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right there with you girl.............. about 8 times in 2006.. nothing in the last 3 months...............makes me so frustrated. And if I wanted to cheat it would not be a problem. I love my husband though..... SORRY I wish I could help.
2007-01-20 21:49:09 · answer #8 · answered by knthavfun20000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is not you it is him really. i to have suffered from clinical depression. it takes away your drive for just about everything. convince him to see a doctor before something bad happens. plus with the right medication his sex life should recover
2007-01-20 21:46:01 · answer #9 · answered by smitty 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he is taking anti-depressants, they make erections tuff, to impossible.... if he has clinical depression, and/or inherited a gene for it, this is a forever kind of thing.
Maybe his doc has some ideas....
2007-01-20 21:46:06 · answer #10 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋