What should we do?

Question

We are married for the last 14 years and have two kids who are my heart-throb as well as her.I was on cloud nine for the first 6 years till some financial diiferences(the delayed repayment of my debt when they could afford it and also when we need it badly).She began to defend her parents who right from the beginning treated me like a scum. She underwent four abortions in a couple of years against my wishes.The differences were multiplied so much that she never gave a damn about me and I used to abuse her when I get drunk. For most of the period(1999-2004), we were trying to raise kids in better manner, resetting our relationship and selling away my assets to meet financial problems, watch movies, go around and sleep together. We met a lawyer in Nov,2004 and she said she wouldn't not want divorce but would not refuse if I really want it. My idea was to get her back as we were briefly seperated. Now, while we are about to make good changes, she fell in love with her married boyfriend.

Answer 1

I would say you both need counsling, try that at least, you never know it gould be what is needed, and try both of you rember why you both fell in love with each other to beging take a step back, take a hard look, it may show up. God Bless you! Rember live is to short to be always hurting each other, get some help!

Answer 2

You waited too long to get the help you desperately needed a very long time ago. You both experienced the worst of each other within a short period of time. It was so horrible somehow the good years got lost in there somewhere. Simply separating was not the answer to the problem. With even the greatest distance the issues were still unresolved. You needed counseling and you tried to just work it out yourselves. Ya'll had 14 years to work it out unsuccesfully.

What is most important now is the children. Likely teenagers by now you both need to sit and talk to them directly and create a visitation plan. Your relationship no longer matters. She has chosen to give her heart to someone else. Although that person is unavailble for true commitment she wants to be with him just the same. I think you should continue with divorce proceedings to let her be free and do as she wishes. It's possible she was seeing him while you were together explaining partially her emotional distance. Perhaps she will later decide she wants to work it out and it will be mutual but it certainly can't be forced or without long-term psychological counseling for you both as a couple and as a family.

Answer 3

You both sound selfish to me, neither of you are considering the consequences of your actions on your children.

Whether or not you two divorce I'd suggest two things. Learn to keep boundaries, you never date someone while married, NEVER! You do not date until a divorce is finalized! You never are justified in abusing another human being, you teach your children violence is allowable and normal.

Two, you both, not just her, but both need to take a financil management course so that you can better manage money. When you are married, like it or not, you both should agree on any loans you make, if one disagrees that loan should never be made. Also, realize that even within families 90 percent of loans are never repaid, so it's better to just give someone in the family the money if you have it to give and want to help that person, then to loan it. Whenver you loan money to anyone, you should always make a legally binding contract stating how much was loaned, is interest going to be paid, when are payments on the load due and you always have at least two people not related you either party, not a friend either, sign the paper as witnesses, getting it notorized at a bank or credit union is a good idea. My credit union will do this for free.

Answer 4

Your kids are your hearthrob? That's a weird way to put it.

Is scum a countable noun?

Uh, four abortions. Have you guys never heard of contraceptives or not having sex while she is ovulating? I mean, just don't have sex right before the few days before her period starts. It's not rocket science.

This whole financial problem scenario. Shouldn't you and her have been out looking for jobs rather than "watching movies and going around"?

Man oh man, why are people so messed up? I assume you have an education so what's the deal, dude?

Answer 5

Sounds like she's already made the decision for both of you. Maybe she's thinking the grass is greener on the other side. She doesn't realize it has to be watered too. Let her go! Work on making yourself a better person and not let her drag you down to her level anymore. If nothing else, do it for your kids. Show them that things don't have to be the way they've always been. Show them how to rise above all this. Put your faith in God, trust me, he won't let you down. I've been where you've been, and it sucks. Get out while you still have your sanity.

Answer 6

hmm well that causes some problems however most grils will not want to keep going for you if you drink now drinking is not the problem but apparently if you get abusive when you drink then you need to think of others health when that happens you should neverwant to hurt someone you love. also if she has found someone that has a wife also then she does not deserve to be with you or that guy cheaters are meant to get what they deserve. i would break away from her but love your kids with all your heart and find your real true love also it is her right to sayshe does not want kids again however she should have been on things that would stop her from getting pregnant instead of using abortion that way

Answer 7

Let me speak to you, as a Friend! I went through some of the same stuff. in `86. Try to get this through all of your confusion. She was already in Love with BF, way back yonder. She's just not wanting to be the fault of the Divorce. Don't put those Lovely Kids through anything that they don't have to see. Get on with your Life. One that is shown Respect. `Cause you ain't gettin' it, at home!

Answer 8

Sounds like to much has happened to rebuild what you had. I think a divorce is better then trying to get back together given your pasts. Stay civil for the kids. I am sure you both love them. Don't make it any messier then it has to be. Good luck!

Answer 9

Divorce. It sounds like this relationship brings out the worst in both of you. By leaving her it would make for a more positive environment for your children. They are the ones you really need to think about.

It sounds like you both will be much happier this way.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

Well, to me it sounds like you were good together but it fell apart and you have two great kids. I think that you should focus on doing whats best for your children who its obvious you love. I think that if the two of you combined make a toxic relationship, that's a worse place for your kids to live then if you are both better apart.