We were in the middle of a crisis in our marriage....he was having a mid-life crisis , instead of talking at all he left...As he was leaving i realized he had already started a casual relationship with the girl he is now living with....she has taken over my life - literally!
How do I speak to him - I have so much anger? And how should I treat her?
2007-01-20 11:00:31 · 35 answers · asked by Gunner G 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why to speak to a man who is already on to adultery just go ahead & leave him take care about your kids that is more important issue now. Rest is upto you to decide the right path but what I see in your case is final seperation & divorce from your husband. The adulterous activity on his part is the fit ground for you to seek Divorce from him along with the legal custody of yor kids.
2007-01-20 14:33:41 · answer #1 · answered by bisexualmale s 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, listen up. The first thing you need to do is get someone to talk to and vent to. Find someone to babysit your kids so that you can have some alone time. Next, find a lawyer. Can't afford one? There are lawyers out there who can work on a sliding fee scale or will work with people who can't afford a lawyer. Going to your county courthouse can be helpful because often times there is a family law facilitator who can put you in touch with someone who can help you. I am divorced after 20 years of marriage and 2 children. You don't want to hear my story. It's very bad. Just suffice it to say that when a marriage turns sour suddenly, you never know what the other person will do, and you have to protect yourself. Because of what your husband did, and how he did it, you may be able to get full custody of your kids so that they don't have to be shuffled back and forth. You won't know until you look into it though. As for speaking to your husband, DON'T ---- at least not yet. Don't talk to him until you talk to someone you can trust. Let them be a sounding board and support system for you. Once you've calmed down, THEN speak to your husband if you must. If you can possibly avoid talking to him until you've consulted a lawyer, then you should do that. It doesn't sound like marriage counseling is an option, so a lawyer should be your first priority. You know how the saying goes when a person gets arrested, "...anything you say may be held against you"? Well, in a divorce, it can be a simple, civil thing, or it could be drawn out and ugly - especially when there are children involved. Take it from me - I know. My divorce took a year to be finalized and statements said by both my ex-husband and myself were documented and used in court. I tried to handle my divorce with integrity and honesty, but my ex was determined to "win at all costs". He lost. So did my kids. In a divorce, nobody wins. You can however, minimize how bad things will become by protecting yourself. This is why you should find someone to lean on right now, who can help you to be strong. Then you should contact an attorney, who can help you resolve this in a manner which is best for everyone. If you have to tell your husband what a slimeball he is, go ahead. Just be careful not to make any threats (i.e., I'm going to take you for everything....) or harassing comments because those can be used against you. Best wishes to you. You will be okay. One more thought - sometimes after years of marriage, when a crisis comes up, it reveals the true character of the person we are married to. Much as it hurts, it is far better for you and your kids not to be around someone whose has such huge character flaws. Things will all work out. Trust me - they will.
2007-01-20 11:21:28 · answer #2 · answered by Chimichanga to go please!! 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am going through the same experience. Only I have been married 19 years, 4 children which on is a special needs child. Within 10 minutes he was packed up and left. He kissed one son on the head, patted the other, called my daughter the next day and left a message and a few days later wanted to take out the youngest with special needs for dinner to explain this to him. Like he would get it.My husband refuses to talk to me and the kids. There is absolutely NO CONTACT. It's as if he fell off of the world. I know or think he is living with his mother, but I don't know her address and he won't give it to me. I have seen a lawyer. He did ask me for the car loan papers so that he can take over the payments and then take it off my insurance. Only thing is, the car loan is in my name! He will need to refinance that loan first! Before any communication can begin I think the anger has to be dissolved or it will just make things worse. Get into counselling. Maybe you need some type of anti anxiety medication. Go out with your friends. Keep busy! I think I have the cleanest shower of anyone in our town! I too think my husband has someone on the side, but at this point that is HIS problem. I have to take care of myself and the kids. A leopard never looses his spots! And you never know a man until you divorce them!
Remember, keep your faith, keep busy, get to counselling
2007-01-22 15:16:55 · answer #3 · answered by Karen 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is mostly him that you should be mad at. HE is the one that had the comminment to you and the children. I can't imagine this happening to me. I have also been married 15 yrs and have two kids. It is going to be hard but you need to be strong for the kids. Try not to deal at all with her. Keep your conversations with him strictly about the kids and the divorce etc.. As hard as it is be very business like. Cry when yourr are not in front of him and the kids. Next thing hit the gym get in the best shape of your life. Pull yourself together and let him see that you can do it without him. Whatever you do don't get back with him this is too hurtful what he did and you deserve better. Trust me this little fling of his won't last and when he sees how well you are doing and how good you look he will be banging on your door-but DON'T take him back he blew it! Good Luck
2007-01-20 11:09:51 · answer #4 · answered by mom of twins 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you don't want to hear this right now as your not ready nor hit that stage yet. its normal to be scared and feeling all alone afterall you had 15 years together and now your on your own so it feels foreign to you and your worried about the unknown and your life being turned up side down.... But you need to move on and move ahead this anger is only going to ruin you inside and hurt otheres along the way. thats not solving anything. Sure you can waste all your energy this way. but in the end you have not gained anything nor ground. best thing you can do here. is deal with what has happened and remember the good times you had together and memories but move on rise above and dont' waste your short life on anger and gettting back at those who have done you wrong. You dont' see this now. but its just wasted energy. rise above these feelings and realize your hurt so you have anger and you want to get him back but it won't solve anything he's already gone and starting his new chapter in life. which is just what you should be doing also.
2007-01-20 16:56:06 · answer #5 · answered by For ever in my Heart 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all.you have a right to be VERY angry,but,you need to try your best to get over it.Showing anger and hurt to someone like him just makes them feel good.He has no consideration about your thoughts or feelings.You need to go on with your life and show both of them you are having fun and are able to live on without him.Smiling is the worst weapon you can use towards both of them.It kills people to see you happy when they want the worst for you.I would not be too friendly towards her but at the same time with a smile.He is now HER PROBLEM..NOT YOURS.She is just a rebound.Trust me.that relationship will not last.Do not give him the time of day.Treat him like whatever happens,your not concerned with it.It's all about YOU now.She did you a favor..your better than that.He's the one that lost out,not you..Good luck!
2007-01-20 11:13:36 · answer #6 · answered by Maria 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
See this as an opportunity for yourself to do what YOU want to with YOUR life. Take a deep breath, read the book, Crazy Time - about the emotional roller coaster of divorce - and realize this is his loss!
Rely on your friends for support. Realize this is about his hormones and not you, focus on your kids, your job, anything to keep your mind off of it.
If you need to get help, find a good therapist to get ideas and support.
How do you talk with him? Through a mediator or an attorney. How should you treat her? I don't know why you'd need to have any contact with her at all really. The children are yours and his, not hers.
If you must have contact with her, be cordial but you certainly don't need to be best friends or anything.
Take care of yourself. Good luck!
2007-01-20 11:09:17 · answer #7 · answered by Shrieking Panda 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That is a long time to be married then have it fall apart I am sorry. But instead of fixing your marriage he decided to find another woman and move on. If i were you I would go see a lawyer and send him the divorce papers. I know you love him and dont want to end this but he ended it when he walked out on you now you need to get the divorce and move on.
2007-01-20 12:47:34 · answer #8 · answered by hotmoma1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't wait around for him to come out of this so called "mid-life crisis". He is a grown man,and it sounds like he was already dating this chick,before he decided to leave you. Do yourself a favor and divorce him. Don't let him think you are waiting around for him to abandon his new ways.
Don't even acknowledge his girl,she chose to be a homewrecker,he chose to abandon his family,and you choose now to stop dealing with his 16 year old boyish ways,and move on with your life,and take care of your kids,instead of focusing on him. You keep focusing on him,you'll realize that you're loosing focus on your kids,and the issues that really matter.
2007-01-20 11:13:17 · answer #9 · answered by Ellie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It gets a little easier with each passing day. It takes a long time to completely get over what you're experiencing, but eventually it DOES happen. As for talking to him, I would try to not talk to him while you're angry. You might say some things you don't really mean, but said them in anger. I treated the one my ex moved in with, like a human being. I was hurt, sure, but he was no more guilty than her. He didn't make her leave and move in with him...that was HER choice. Good Luck.....I KNOW it hurts!!!
2007-01-20 11:12:21 · answer #10 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋