My husband & I have been married for 10 yrs, & we've been raising 2 children from his 1st marriage for 14 yrs. My kids are now 19 & 17 and I'm the only mom they know. According to court docs, their bio-mother never showed up to court for the divorce or any of the custody hearings. She has admitted that she simply didn't want the responsibility of kids and has NEVER been a part of thier lives. She battles addiction, has been arrested many times & had another child that the state took from her. She recently wrote the kids a letter from prison, telling them how she wishes they would visit & how she wants to be apart of their lives. Our family has gone through the TOTAL range of emotions because of the hurt she has caused over the years & the kids are confused. She IS their mother, but so am I! And I can't stand to see them get hurt again! I love my kids, want to do the right thing & can't judge 'til I "walk a mile in her shoes". Do you think a visit would be harmful or helpful?
2007-01-20 10:12:54 · 9 answers · asked by MaHaa 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I cannot believe how incredibly loving and supportive ALL of you are! Who would of thought that Yahoo! Answers would have brought me some happiness in an otherwise unpleasant moment in life. Love and happiness to you all....
2007-01-20 13:03:24 · update #1
They are old enough to decide if they wish to visit her, and they are obviously aware that she pretty much dumped them... it is indeed their decision........... You really are the only mom they have ever know, and as such, you need to let them know that you support them in their decision... and that they don't have to visit her now or ever it that is their choice, and it IS their choice.... Will it cause them pain? Of course... kids never consider that, but they need to know she exists and where, if for no other reason than to know what ever happened to their biological mother.... it's rather a basic thing...painful for sure... and she did them a favor---she really didn't know it----- by not pursuing them as they were being raised....
2007-01-20 10:33:04 · answer #1 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It takes alot to be a Mom. And you have more than proved that to these kids. YOU are their Mom and always will be. I can understand how your feeling though with this situation. The kids are actually young adults now. They may have questions. Let them ask them of her then have a family meeting and sit and talk together about their experience. Maybe if they did see this person in prison, it would make them realize how good they really do have it at home. Because that is what you have made for them, a home, not a prison. This woman has alot of problems and since she is in prison now she is going to talk a smooth talk. Just to get anyone to visit or talk to her. She had her chance and she blew it. But, you never know people change. All you can do is love them and be there for them. You raised them, she didn't. Now it's up to them to fly on their own. You did what she couldn't and wouldn't do.
2007-01-20 18:33:25 · answer #2 · answered by ncamedtech 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know whether a visit would be harmful or helpful but I do know that they will never find out unless they go. Frankly I think she did the best thing for the children by leaving them in a loving, supportive, stable environment and not dragging them down with her. The state took away one of her children and she is in prison...think about where these other two would be right now if she hadn't made that choice.
2007-01-20 18:53:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
they probably should visit her because they will always wonder about her perhaps whether they realize it or not. I would first though tell them that she has made mistakes and have a discussion with them about that, how sometimes otherwise good people can get caught up in things like drugs and such and ruin their lives. she may well be able to show them by her example what not to do in life
and they may give her a reason to get her life together so that everyone comes out a little better off. Have a talk with them first though so that if they see her and she doesn't change they are not disapointed.
2007-01-20 18:27:32 · answer #4 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bless your heart. I think that since they are almost adults that I would sit them down and tell them about your concerns but let them know if they do you don't know if it would be good for them so think carefully. And let them know that no matter what they decide to do that you love them and will even go a long if they need or want you to. I really don't see how they could want to but I also had 3 step daughters and their mother sounded the same and they chose to go with her if ever she appeared and one lives with her now. Kids have certain blinders on when it comes to the mother. Good luck to you.
2007-01-20 18:48:17 · answer #5 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well to be honest i am step mother my self my biological son died one day after birth and me and my partner met after that we are together two years now and he has a son from a previous relationship the child lives with his mother i do not have any remorse towards the mother but she is not a person i feel comfortable socializing with i speak to another one of his exes and we get along realy well but the childs mother is not toally hidious but she ain't all that neither on occasions when i am with the child he has some wierd things to say because she is now married so he has a step father as well and cause the step father is in at this moment a beter financial paycheck then his real dad he makes funny statements when he does and i want to correct hmor he repats whatever his mother says abiut his dad being broke i stop the conversation in it's tracks because he is 7 and let him know i am not your mother however i am with your dad which makes u apart f my family do not be tail bearing back and forth this causes trouble and it will not be some thing good for you to grow up with i let him know from begining that i am not his mother so he does not have t throw it in my face when i am speaking to him on certain subjects but in your case let them know you love them first off and that why being a mother to them is a pleasure for you and you will support their decisions i hope this helped
2007-01-20 18:25:04 · answer #6 · answered by lyfetyme7 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that is a tough one. I'm guessing that you and your husband have raised them right. I think I would allow a visit, they know who raised them, who stayed up at night and wiped runny noses, all that stuff. I'd tell them that you would rather they didn't visit her but you won't forbid it because you love them very much and they do have the right to meet their biomom. Be honest with them about your feelings.
2007-01-20 18:23:47 · answer #7 · answered by Pandora 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this is a decision that's entirely up to the kids due to their age. But you can offer them support and let them know you're there for them (which you obviously are). You can prepare them for what they might encounter and help them work through their feelings.
2007-01-20 18:17:35 · answer #8 · answered by Shrieking Panda 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Might me helpfull.....for sure they have a real Mom in you and will understand that even more when they vist the bio one behind bars...but lets not judge her...we all make mistakes right?
2007-01-20 18:19:02 · answer #9 · answered by sea 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋