How do WE get past this?

Question

Ok here it goes. I cheated on my husband 3 years ago multiple times. I told him he said he forgave me. We have gone to counseling, marriage retreats and I thought he understood I would NEVER do it again. For the past year little things have been kinda odd. He gave his number to a girl and when she called he told me that it was just to let me know how it felt. I have put myself though hell and I still feel bad! This morning I found a ad he listed. He said that he was looking for revenge on me for cheating. I have no idea what else to do. I can tell he has not forgave me. I never asked for instant forgiveness. I just dont know what to do, he makes me feel awful everday for what i did and I accepted that. But now I have paid for 3 1/2 years. Should we get a Divorce which I really don't want to do but will we ever get past this?

Answer 1

You need more marriage counseling, dear. Your husband is behaving childishly. Either he forgives you and lets go of it and moves on, or the relationship cannot rebuild itself. Please talk to someone soon.

Answer 2

Clearly, he does not feel like you understand the depth of his pain. When someone cheats on you it is like having your heart slowly ripped out with a spoon by the one closest to you who you thought you could always trust - and they're laughing manically while they do it. Then they rub salt and lemon juice in it.

The pain is so awful that even after 100 years, it feels close to the surface. You never know if they'll do it again so you always have to brace yourself for the hurt. If he has to "show you how it feels" he doesn't think you get how this hurt him.

You need to tell him that you DO understand what it did to him and ILLUSTRATE that you REALLY get it. If you feel you've done that already, it seems to me you have a few choices. 1) You can have an open marriage but even open marriages are based on total honesty, so that might be an issue for you. 2) You can stay and know that this is the situation that you have created for yourself. 3) You can tell him if he can't get past this, you feel it's best for you both to move on - but let him know that you are sorry because you know it is YOU who caused this - NOT him.

The relationship can't be the same. But it can probably still be good - it'll just be different. A lot of people stay together after someone has cheated but it creates an entirely new dynamic.

If everything else is pretty good and you feel it's worth saving, you can find a very good couples therapist and ask if he's willing to go with you. But don't put any of this on him. The more you blame him for his feelings, the deeper the hurt will go.

There's also a book I've heard of called, "After the Affair."

Just realize at this point, it's up to you to do the work. Not him.
The more he sees you working to save the relationship, the more he'll feel like you're starting to see the light and understanding what you've done.

Answer 3

sounds to me like he may have forgiven you but will never let you forget which is wrong in a marriage.. I do believe in forgive but don't forget but that means that you don't forget what happened and how you felt but you do NOT make the other person feel bad about what happened for the rest of their lives because you have forgiven them and if you only say you did to torture them and rub it into them the rest of your days together thats just wrong.. Its best to just move on and apart.. I know its hard but do you realy want to spend the rest of your life with someone that keeps rubbing it in every day about the mistakes that you've made when he says he's forgiven you?? It's not a good thing.. No one can be truely happy that way..

Answer 4

It sounds as if there is no, "WE" in your relationship any longer. Crap happens in marriages. Some couples can work through it, and some can't. If you feel you have done everything possible to show him that you can be trusted again and it doesn't work,,,then it sounds like maybe you both need time apart. He can get his head and heart together, and you can get your life together too. Maybe you both can come back together on this, or not. But, its time to start living. You also know that what you did was wrong and sure you explained all that you did and have tried to fix. But when it comes down to it, you not only broke his trust, you broke his heart and his spirit for the marriage. Give forgiveness time, maybe time apart but your marriage needs time to heal.

Answer 5

If you feel that you have done everything in your power to make the marriage work after you cheated and your husband is still not able to accept what happened and move on then you cant continue to live like this. You already know this yourself.
Best of luck

Answer 6

If he really forgave you 3 years ago, he would not be doing this now! I cheated on my (now ex) husband and he said he forgave me, and then rubbed my nose in it for 8 long years. I finally got smart and got divorced. If you were happy, you never would have cheated in the beginning, you can not stay with someone you are not happy with for the rest of your life.

Answer 7

Dont permit the previous steal your contemporary. a million. settle for that it befell. it particularly is not the least confusing concern to do, even though it particularly is going to help you to get on your way. The previous is a factor of your existence now, even though it particularly is not the main severe section. settle for the actuality that it could now no longer be replaced by using any skill. 2. substitute your cognition to no longer experience as undesirable approximately what befell, and shrink stress that triggers going back to the previous; for occasion, in case you have been embarrassed, tell your self do no longer problem, everybody gets embarrassed; diverse rest procedures will shrink stress that can set off undesirable thoughts 3. stay interior the present. This one is amazingly difficult, besides, simply by fact the present is trouble-free to take with no attention. understand that by using continuously applying your contemporary time properly, you're continuously making a greater helpful previous for your self. 4. study from it. something solid continuously comes out of something, even in spite of if that's an extremely undesirable adventure. locate the lesson in touch and attempt to no longer make an identical mistake two times. awful-Lesson occasion a million: "If i did no longer get busted shoplifting, i might've moved directly to armed theft and get shot by using law enforcement officers."(be conscious: this did ensue to me) 5. Forgive. your self or those that have harm you. decrease some slack to others and your self. no person asks to take transport of a bad memory. everybody isn't suited. everybody is services to make blunders. that's how everybody is. And the only thank you to truly circulate on from a bad adventure is to forgive the individuals in touch. 6. If all the above do no longer help, then perhaps attempt some journaling in a diary, or magazine. yet be particular approximately what's bothering you. (From Wikihow) i understand no longer the terrific answer yet perhaps it particularly is going to help you to a splash.

Answer 8

you should talk to this person if the love is genuine then there will be only good things to come out of it. It will be extremely awkward at first but people who have inneer emotional ties are meant to be togethter by God.. Do you think God likes to hear excuses about why we lag and don't do his will I dont think so .;

Answer 9

Ever hear of the phrase Throwing it in your face.that's exactly whats going on here. There is really no quick fix- he has not forgiven you--have you forgiven yourself-obviously you have. He needs to really see a therapist, its going to get worse before it gets any better.

Answer 10

well first of all... YOU SHOULDNT HAVE CHEATED!!!!

second talk to him and ask if he wants a divorce. tell him if he cant forgive you, then you want to split up. hes prob thinking you are going to again...