My friend is married to an controlling man..what can I say to her to bring her some comfort.?

Question

I have told her to get out...she continues to stay.

Answer 1

she stays because she has been abused for so long she feels she deserves it, he has robbed her of her self esteem, so she doesn't react anymore when he hurts her. she will keep going back to him, and taking it, until one day she makes up her mind that she has had enough. she could definitly do with some therapy to help her bring her self respect back. she may be terrified of him, and stays for finanial reasons or the kids. abusers usually won't let the ones they abuse work, or be in touch with much in the outside world, the keep them captive in the prison they made for them. they won't ever be able to escape till they get rid of their fears, and put some trust in someone other than their abuser.

Answer 2

Consider how long they have been together, and if there are any children involved. You say he is controlling, but is he also abusive? Verbally or otherwise? Your friend doesn't need comfort she needs some skills to deal with this type of man. She needs to take a stand for herself, as a woman and a partner. She needs to let him know how his controlling ways are making her feel smothered and unhappy. She needs to let him know that if he does not loosen his grip that he will drive her away. If this does not help him consider changing his ways, then your friend needs to do what is best for her and her happiness

Answer 3

Tell her you understand it's her choice and that you love her and want what's best for her. You don't realize that the only thing she has control of is her own choices so don't insult her inadvertantly by trying to make those or take those choices from her even if she's not ready to leave. You be there for her when she needs support until she becomes strong enough and has enough courage built up and enough options laid out to her as being more attractive than what she has now. She hasn't let go of hope that she can "help" him or love him into change or that he will finally decide to love her and voluntarily change for the better. So, stop telling her what to do (he does that all the time) and start encouraging her to have a safety plan of escape ready at all times and that if she needs your phone, or for you to come and get her and for you to keep a change of clothes, some money, some vehicle keys and some important documents stored for her that you will do so and will not ever betray her secret to him or anyone else. That is just as bad as his betrayal of vows to her so don't be guilty. The only time to intervene is when she asks or if you see or hear her in trouble. Call often to check on her when he's around and stop by often to make him look you in the eye. They are cowards and many times this restores a sense of normalcy and reminds them that someone cares about them as well as gives them a reprieve fromt the constant control issues from their lover. If you go to church, pray for her daily and for her husband and let her know it. Share scripture of hope and healing with her. Again, don't be telling her what to do. It's well meaning but she will resent it eventually if you persist because it means you don't understand why she stays and blame her for staying and ultimately for the abuse if she does stay. Just be a steady reliable force in her life and always stay calm and listen. That's more important than your opinion and will be a lifeline to her. Eventually, the peaceful environment she encounters around others will become worth the fight for her to have for herself. It takes loads of emotional energy and confidence and support her to reach that place herself and that is where you can assist. Buy the book and read it and give it to her to read privately as well called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bandcroft. The stories most hated by my husband were "Dr. Jeckyl/Mr.Hyde", "Sybil", and "The Burning Bed" whether in book or movie form. Rent the movie and let the husband see it as if you were going to watch it together but don't say anything about it and do NOT leave it at her house. Keep a cell phone handy and let him know you can stare him down and aren't afraid of him and will call the police anytime it's necesarry. (even if you have to bluff it! be careful, they SMELL fear and play upon it.) Both of you should begin (if you don't already) attending a good solid Bible believing Christian church regularly. She needs to understand her value in God's eyes and to be in a peaceful loving accepting environment where the demons of abuse aren't ruling her mind 24-7 and revolving around the perpetrator.

Answer 4

Unless your friend is suffering abuse, you really must let staying in her marriage be her decision. If she is suffering any kind of abuse, and her life may be in danger, you may have to gather some friends and family to help her feel safe enough to leave. Often women in abusive marriages are afraid to leave because their husbands have so emotionally beaten them down that they have low or no self esteem. They may feel they deserve what he is dishing out. Or they may fear for their lives if they leave. Unless they are sure they will be safe when they leave they won't even consider it. A controlling husband is not great but about the only thing you can do is have her suggest some marriage counseling. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

I have a friend who married this really controlling type guy. I wanted to tell her to get out but over the years I have realized that he is just what she needs. It is unhealthy. But she had a controlling type father and her personality is very manic and she can sometimes get out of control. She is just going to have to figure this out for herself -- or not. They have been together about 15 yrs. now. 4 kids. I feel the worst about the kids since they don't have a good role model for a dad.

Answer 6

Stand by, remain friends, and give her the address of a really good lawyer, because she'll need it. Controlling men NEVER want to give their divorcing spouses the fair share of the property, and they nearly always avoid child support. And tell her good luck, from someone who's been there (me).

Answer 7

Don't meddle. She's a grown up and she should know what's best for her. Just be a good friend, be there when she needs you. Don't tell her to leave her husband because if she did and then she's miserable it's your fault. If she wants to leave, she will!

Answer 8

To be honest,Its her choice to stay,just tell her you wish her the best.If she wants to be with him then there is nothing you can say or do to change her mind.

Answer 9

YOU CAN SAY " HERE'S THE NUMBER OF A GOOD DIVORCE LAWYER, AND AS YOUR FRIEND, I'LL BE HERE TO HELP YOU THROUGH!"

Answer 10

tell her to leave his *** and divorce him if he control's her then he'll wind up beating her too