My boyfriend continues to look at porn on the net after he promised he would stop. Why?

Question

Is this a guy thing? Do all men need to look at porn? My boyfriend and I work different shifts and he claims that when he's home in the mornings and trying to study, thoughts of sex sometimes come in to his head and then he can't stop thinking about it. He claims the only way he can get back to his schoolwork is to masturbate to relieve the pressure and then he can concentrate once again. We moved in together about 3 weeks ago and I found a huge Internet history on his computer of porn websites that he had visited. Also, he had downloaded small clips of porn videos and pictures and made slide shows through Windows Media to help him while he masturbates. When I found all this and he could see how much it disturbed me, he promised he would no longer look at them. But last night, while he was working and I was on the computer, I found where he had visited a porn website yesterday. Later, he said he was sorry and didn't know why he did it, that he just wanted to get off quick. Help

Answer 1

I think to say he has an addiction may be jumping the gun a bit. It is a proven fact that while women need emotional stimulation in a relationship, men need physical stimulation. Men look at Porn. They like porn. It is a fact of life. I do think that maybe you need to ask yourself why you are so bothered by it. Is it because you are afraid that you don't measure up? Are you afraid that he finds the porn more attractive? I am on the flipside of this issue. I like porn, my husband doesn't. The reason the porn is so arousing, really has very little to do with the participants. It has more to do with the acts itself. I can assure you that most likely your boyfriend is not comparing you to the porn stars, but more likely he gets off on it because he is fantasizing about acting it out with you. If he didn't find you sexually attractive he wouldn't be there. Trust me. If this is a cheating issue, you can't compare the two. There is a huge difference between masturbating in front of a computer, and your boyfriend going out and having sex with some one else. In order for it to qualify as such there would have to be an act of physical betrayal. Masturbation is simply an act of him taking things into his own hands. It involves his hand and his imagination and nothing more. If he is infact addicted, then he needs help. It is unhealthy for him to be so into it that it is interfering with daily activities. I do not know if he is or not, but it is important to know the difference before you suggest this.

Answer 2

The problem nowadays isn't porn so much as lifestyle. Since you working a lot and he is (should be?) working a lot do you come home to an empty house that needs to be cleaned and you catch him jerking at porn? The old Man/Woman roles can't be played anymore. That's impossible anyway you look at it. Does he see you physically beautiful enough though? If the porn is helping him get off and he doesn't want to work at making you feel good (and vice versa) then you two have a problem. Don't approach him about stopping the porn thing. He won't do it if the two of you don't fix the problem of not having the time for each other and make each other feel good. That has got to be worked out first (he's a boy jerking at porn for christ sake) That's the problem. He doesn't know how to treat a woman. It's a two way street and maybe you'll have to make the first move, but then let him know he has to make the second move (by doing something useful instead of jerking it) or there won't be a third then it's time to move on.

Porn isn't good or bad, it is that a boy has to grow up and see what a real woman right in front of him really needs. Sometimes boys don't want to grow up, They just want to jerk it and not take responsibility for making a woman feel good. It's too much work for him. A woman only feels as beautiful as her man makes her feel. If he's a jerker, then he's not appreciating what's right in front of him. I'd rather have the real thing any day of the week, and I'd wait until one of us cleaned the house (for example while he's watching porn he could be vacuuming or washing dishes) That would make for a much better sex life if there were some appreciation for the hard work each of you is putting in for a better lifestyle. He's got to realize that jerking aint helping his lazy a66 appreciate a good thing when he's got it.

Oh yeah, I'm making an edit here. If he were clever, he would just download a free cache/history cleaner like CCleaner and clean up (no pun intended) the computer when he's done.

Answer 3

Most guys like some sort of racy pictures or porn. A few don't but most do. We are visual creatures, and we don't think our looking insults women - although it does make some women feel bad, or like they should have that body or that they are not meeting his needs. But we don't see it that way - we are just looking like we have our entire lives. And sometimes your woman doesn't want her toes sucked during sex and you want to see it anyway. So honestly, it's not meant as an insult. Some porn is degrading and that's stupid but not all is and it gets old hearing women preach against it like it's all one big ball of porn. It isn't.

Still, it's insulting or threatening to *you*. So he instead of just childishly promising never to look again - which was a stupid thing to say, should have offered a compromise. And you should've offered a compromise as well, or just said I can't compromise on this so we are through. There's nothing wrong in saying whichever one you feel comfortable with. A compromise might have been watching it when you are there, or scheduling some morning sex of various kinds so he's "ready to study" (he sounds really young or immature or both).

Some guys are sex or porn addicts - which I think is a lame excuse but there it is- but most guys just really really like porn as a sideline. Women have guilty pleasures too. Is your guy an addict? Doubtful. He just made a stupid 'never again' promise his dick couldn't keep because he didn't think it through.

His compromises should be porn only when you are in the room, certain types are off limits, no masturbating at the computer, working out in the morning or a different routine so he's not in his 'get up - jack off - study' rut every day. He should offer some compromise to show he has respect for your feelings.

Most porn on the internet is pretty vile - that much is true. Perhaps if the two of you tried some 'couples' porn (it's more about being sensual than some weird extreme closeup birth canal examination like the web junk) from an adult store you might both enjoy it.

But if you are dead set against it, you better split now because he isn't going to completely change, and I don't care how many counseling sessions he goes to and promises not to.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

You'll have to think about this, it depends what you want. You can;t change a person, this is most peoples mistakes, they try too hard to change someone, but you can't. If this is what he wants to do, then it's what he'll always do, he'll have those tendancys. All depends on if you can deal with it to be with him or not, but if you do accept it, you have to accept it, not bring it up & raise an issue later. Looking at porn is not a crime, I know you might feel "Why is he looking at that, whats wrong with me", but the answer is probably nothing, really, it's just some sort of fantasy or something that he has, and just think at least he ain't cheating, which a lot of men would go out and do, it's his way of having something "different". But thats not against you, instead of trying to change him, decide for yourself if you can accept this, if not then consider your relationship with him. Flirting online is harmless fun, as long as thats all it is (IE no sexual action) but at the same time, if he had any respect for you he would also respect your wishes and not do this. Hope this helped a little.

Answer 6

I use to say it is not a big deal, its just porn and it is not real.
Boy was i wrong. Started out just a little here and little their. Then before I knew it every dam day for 2 hours he looks at porn. I have asked him why he does it. Never really got an answer. So I thought maybe it was he wanted more sex. So I would come home after he had been up a while & ask him if he wanted to do it. He kept brushing me off & said I dont have time right now, so I stopped asking, come to find out he was jacking off to the porn.
I could contine but it will take to long.
STOP HIM FROM LOOKING AT PORN
Before it destorys your relationship.

Answer 7

Oh I know exactly what you are saying since I have been there. He is not satisfied with "getting" the sex he needs with you so therefore he is getting by himself off the internet. I found the same things and it hurt me. It wasn't on occassion, it was all the time. I felt like, "what the hell am I around for when you are looking and fantasing about other women". There were many many fights and I told him how much it really hurt and how he ha lied to me. Tell him to stop since it is hurting you. It's ok. if he is on there every now and then, but to go on there everyday is not a healthy thing. He needs to work on the relationship with you and both of you need to make the time to connect sexually or he has no other release. At least he is not going out and doing it with others (that is what my husband told me).

Answer 8

It's not just a guy thing, and not ALL men do it. If he loves you, he should respect you enough to stop it or admit he has a problem. Porn addiction is real, and many people suffer from it. Even if he is not addicted, constantly viewing these types of images changes the way your brain views things.

Think about this: companies spend millions of dollars on short, 30 second TV commercials because they know how powerful the visual image is to make people want what they are offering. Now, compare that to watching hours upon hours of porn and the effect it will have on what you desire.

He probably doesn't realize how problematic this issue is. Do some research online and share it with him. He may need counseling.

Answer 9

While masturbation is a normal human activity it can become a problem if it interferes with other aspects of your life or relationships. Clearly there is a problem between you. Why not have him read the responses to Yahoo Answers to the question you raised. Use it as a basis for a candid discussion about the subject and ask him if he will see a couples counsellor with you because you are concerned that this may become an obsession or addiction. Good luck.

Answer 10

I am in a relationship with a man who has enjoyed watching porn with other women in his previous relationships. He asked me to view it with him and I declined. I explained that since I don't view myself as having a Great Body, it would make me insecure and I would feel "less attractive" to him. I told him if he wanted to watch it that was fine but not while I'm around.
Since that conversation we have developed a much deeper/closer relationship, it has gotten serious, we actually moved in together, he doesn't watch it very often, but there have been a few times and I must admit it does bother me much more now. I really appreciate your question, and I feel for you, there are some good solutions, or possible solutions in some of your answers, but I just want you to know that you are not alone and I am just being completely open and honest with my boyfriend about how it affects me and could affect our relationship, I can't control him, he loves me, so I have to trust that he will make the right choices for US as a couple.
I wish you the best of luck.