If you found out your friend was an alcoholic what would you do?

Question

I am in a new relationship and have found out that my partner is an alcoholic. I supported him through a seven day detox program but he started drinking again 2 days later. I would like to be in a relationship with this person over the long haul but this lapse (he has been detoxed 4 times but always relapsed) has made me a bit hesitant. I am asking myself whether I should walk away now or give it a try. My ex husband had another type of additiction - gambling which ended up really badly.

Answer 1

I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. Sober 3 months on Jan 27th. I had 1 year of sobriety and then relapsed April 06 and I am just now getting 3 months back of my sobriety. He will only help himself if he wants to be helped. I think the real question is about you. I know that you probably know he is wrong for you, but you ask anyway. We learn from mistakes, or most of us do. If your husband had a gambling addiction, alcoholism is the same concept. Why do you repeatedly choose these kind of men? This would be a codependant relationship. You can do a search in any search engine on codependant relationships and read forever about it. A piece of you is possibly missing that these addicts fill in you and people with addictions seem to cling to people whom they can abuse in some way shape or form. People who feel sorry for them, or will put up with them. Most addicts also have very low self esteem. I think you need to make a huge list of what your dream man is like and search until you find him. The stronger you make yourself inside the stronger the type of people that you will attract in your life, the happier you can be. Addicts are weak. You are you, you are the only one who makes your decisions, and if you feel you deserve this type of thing then I guess you feel that, because once again people are not ready to change until they are ready and there's nothing anyone can say or do to make them choose something different. Being alone is better than being with an alcoholic, and then if he does seriously want to get help one day in the future and he is in rehab, most people end up single coming out of rehab. People grow so tremendously during this stage of recovery that they normally leave their partner in the dust and in the end no one benefits. You are asking for a broken heart. Learn to love you and someone will love you like you have never been loved before.

Answer 2

Well, since the friend now knows that your spouse is an alcoholic, what the hey, go for the gusto. Should you have said anything. Hmmmmm, that's a good ethical question. Since the friends at the office helped bail him out, I think they have a right to know. Yes, this is very personal stuff, but, if a business associate is also a friend, and acts as a friend, I think that they have a right to know about their ' investment '. Obviously, this could happen again, and if it does, the office is going to wonder why. Alcoholism creates a need ( or is the alcoholism a result of the need ? ) to feel worth while. This could be one of the lies ( and I mean only one. There are probably others ) that your husband tells ( he has probably told it so many times for so long that he probably believes it himself now ) so that he fees that there is some purpose to his life. He might have created this lie to help explain the reason for his alcoholism. The biggest problem with this lie is that if your husband has been receiving benefits because he was a Viet Nam vet, they would have to be returned when the lie is revealed. Good luck. You both have a long hard road to travel.

Answer 3

You are in a difficult situation.

You have had one partner with an gambling addiction and another struggling with alcohol. The common element for both is addiction which makes people unable to rely on themselves.

As to your present partner, he has issues with alcohol and his present inability to move out of that situation. Unless he chooses to recover and stay dry he cannot improve his situation. You, no matter how much you love and care for him, cannot make him recover.

The history you have given indicated that you have been in two (maybe more) relationships with an addicted partner. You have been a co-dependent or co-addict with these people. I would suggest have a chat with a counsellor about your relationships, it may help you better understand yourself and your choices.

regards

Peter

Answer 4

Hi, I hope for your sake that you think very long and hard about committing to any type of serious relationship with your friend who is an alcoholic. The advise above to join AlAnon is extremely good advice and you should not do anything before doing this. But in my opinion, it is not wise to get involved with him. At this stage of his disease, he is not even in recovery or even anywhere close to making a true commitment to sobriety. In rehab, they would have told him that he needs to concentrate on his recovery and it is strongly advised that he does not enter into any serious relationships at this time. He is still going back to his old behaviors, even though he has detoxed four times. Detoxing is only one part of recovery. He needs to become active in his recovery, should be going to AA once a day, if not more and that program is for a ninety day commitment, of which this is only the beginning and he should be getting inpatient treatment with a heavy dose of counseling for addictions. He is not taking his disease seriously, which means that there will be more effort on your part to make the "relationship" work. He is still in denial about it and that makes for big trouble because if he cannot be honest with himself, how can he be honest with you? Be ready for the many ups and downs associated with this stage of the progressive disease. There will be periods of sobriety, there will be relapsing into drinking, hours and hours of worrying about your partner, his whereabouts and whether he is in black out mode,and if so, will he hurt someone or himself while driving......as well, will he make it to work or will he be unable to go because he is too sick to function and will you be able to support him because he lost his job. Will he be abusive to you and yours while he is actively using, if you have kids, do you want them subjected to unpredictable and often cruel behavior? Will he rely on you to bail him out of all of his legal problems--believe me they will come. Are you ready to become an enabler, making excuses for his drinking and helping him to keep his respectability by covering up to friends, neighbors, bosses etc. all the problems it causes, or are you willing to be a tough partner who takes a no tolerance approach and has the strength to live it and back it up by doing whatever is necessary to stop him? How can an alcoholic truly offer himself to you as stable and sure of his feelings for you when he is in no position to do so because he is not yet whole himself until he has had at least a few years of full sobriety and counseling.Right now, he has probably been blown off by many people who are already sick of his act, and he is looking for the next person to use for his basic needs and wants.
There is a pattern to an alcoholics behavior to flit from one relationship to another as the last one fails. Break the cycle so he will stand on his own and hopefully get help. It is no sin to make a sensible decision for yourself by being cautious. To be honest, you need to learn some good self-preservation skills. I know I am sounding tough, but I just lost my sister to alcoholism, and as much as I loved her and tried to reason with her and save her, there was no doing so.Love will not cure the alcoholic, nor will reasoning. The disease is insidious, it makes crafty skilled liars out of sweet wonderful people. Please listen to me while your still have the chance to make your own decisions. I am hoping that my experience will help someone else, then maybe my sister didn't die in vain, some good can come of it. My best to you, you will be in my prayers, and so will he.

Answer 5

Seriously- if he has relapsed 4 times- he needs to not be in a relationship right now. Support him, be a friend, but let him know you can't be involoved until he proves to you that he is serious about his problem. He needs to focus on his problem first- how will he ever take care of you if he can't take care of himself?

Answer 6

Not to sound heartless but you really shouldn't be with anyone who has more problems with you because he'll just drag you down with him.

If he has relapsed 4 times, what does that tell you?

Answer 7

Two observations:

Alcoholics generally can not be rehabilitated until they have hit bottom and have no other choice. It doesn't sound like your friend is there yet.

Why are you attracted to guys with serious problems?

Answer 8

You need to join al-anon. It's a group for those affected by alcoholics.

Answer 9

just dont lose the hope with him because its really hard for someone to take of an used habit
so try with him more and more and one day u will success

Answer 10

I don't think that your friend is in the position to start a relationship.... for your sake and his, just be there to listen to him... no strings