What to do when parents-to-be strongly disagree on circumcision?

Question

We just found out our second child is going to be a boy, and my husband and I have strong, opposite opinions about whether or not to have him circumcised.

I'm against it because I don't see it as a medically-necessary procedure and cannot stand the thought of putting our newborn baby through such a painful ordeal. I have done a lot of research on this topic and really very strongly about it. My husband is for it, but his best reasons for wanting it done are because "that's just how it should be" and "the uncircumcised penis looks revolting."

I am not interested in a debate here and I don't intend to offend anyone. This is just one mother's view for her own baby. I'm simply seeking advice on how to resolve this important issue with my husband. I'd especially like to hear from other parents who have gone through the same thing and find out what worked for them. Thanks!

Answer 1

Hurray! I'm glad to see a woman on the right side of the issue. Your husband thinks "that's how it should be" because he grew up among lots of cut boys. It can be done at any age, if your son wishes it to be done. But please, you need to get it through to your husband. I have some links for you that may help (unless you've seen them already). I don't quite know how to communicate it to your husband, but he definitely needs to learn a few things. Here you go:

http://www.noharmm.org/
http://www.nocirc.org/
http://www.norm.org/
http://www.mgmbill.org/
http://www.circumstitions.com/
http://www.sexasnatureintendedit.com/
http://www.cirp.org/

I wish my mom was more like you. She had me cut, and I resent it very much. I'm trying to restore my foreskin now. It's a very long process (one to three years), but it's supposed to be worth it. It won't replace what I lost though. Good luck!

Answer 2

Ask him to research as much as you have. I feel that you have the facts on your side because you have done a lot of research, you know that it is only cosmetic and you know the pain; his objection, even though it's common, is his personal preference and an appeal to tradition. The question is whether the circumcision will benefit your son (or harm him), not what aesthetic appeal to your husband or others it may have. If you want to convince him, I would suggest finding articles written by men, especially fathers, on the topic. As far as his concern about looks, uncircumcised and circumcised penises look exactly the same when erect, except uncut ones obviously don't have a scar. A baby does not need to have an "attractive" penis (personally as an 18 year old I prefer the uncircumcised look, but that's me); he needs it to be protected from the bacteria from the mess in his diaper, and cutting that skin off is going to leave an open wound exposed to urine, which of course is painful. The foreskin is sealed to it, and it will protect it from germs. This is really useful, much for useful than making it look different. Another way to think of it is this: you are against it, and your husband is for it - so, since you both can't agree, your son could be the tiebreaker. By letting him decide later when he is an adult, you'll absolutely know for sure he is getting what he wants, and there are other benefits of waiting. The surgery is *much* less risky on an adult than on a baby because the penis is fully grown - there aren't any guessing games about how much skin to remove. With a baby, it's easy to take off too much skin because the doctor simply has no idea how big his penis will be in 18 years. Tight skin from many infant circs leads to painful or uncomfortable erections and even bending and hair from the scrotum being pulled onto the shaft in adulthood. Ouch! In a man, the foreskin is already retractable so the doctor does not have to shove a probe under the skin to rip it from the glans, and adults actually *get* great pain management and anesthesia while babies get none, or they receive a numbing cream that's not even effective against pain from a simple shot, or a penile nerve block that is extremely painful because it's an injection of lidocane directly into the penis. Really, it's just safer in adulthood, so your son being the tiebreaker would avoid any regrets - once it's done, it can't be undone, but if left alone he can always do it later if he prefers the look. Good luck!

Answer 3

Maybe he should be looking at so many uncircumcised penis'. Though it makes it much easier to potty train a boy who is circumcised. You have to make sure they keep it clean all the time, more than a circumcised penis to prevent any type of bacterial build up that could cause an infection or other uncomfortable things. Thats the medically necessary reason for it being done.
You never really know what the boy will want. In recent years a lot of men have been having the skin replaced. So maybe it would be best to not have the procedure done and let him decide when he is of age.

Answer 4

Ok you are going to get a lot of womans lib answers on here and the truth is only you can decide if this is the hill you want to die on. Only you know how important it is to you vs how important it is to your husband. One of you is going to have to give in. I have 2 uncircumscised sons, so I agree with you it is an unnessesary cosmetic procedure.

That being said, boys look to their father on how their penis should look and be cared for. With an uncircumsized penis, there is a different way needed to keep it clean where the foreskin needs to be pulled back and the area thoughoughly cleaned to prevent painful infection. If your husband is circumsized your son may wonder why he is different and learn from your husbands cleaning habits. So if it was me I would go with your husband. To be 4 or 5 years out and have your son ask your husband why he is different and have him still disagree with it and not have a good answer, could just keep it a sore point. Also, men develope a LOT of self esteem by the way their penis looks and this is something as women we cannot possibly fully understand, so if your husband feels it will not look like it should, that is not something to dismiss out of hand. He has been in the locker rooms.

To me there are somethings where the person of the same sex has more input because they have experienced it. With your daughter are there not things that are important to you because of the way things were when you were a girl? How she should dress, that she needs ballet or gymnastics, that you do or do not want her ears pierced, how to deal with periods or training bras, or teenage acne, her weight and self esteem because of it...

Those are things that you may have unique insight into and your opinion should count for more in those cases. Whether it seems rational or not.

Also, just one other note to consider the pain they feel as infants during this procedure is nothing compared to if they chose to have it later because of reoccuring infection.

Good luck. Hope I didn't offend.

Answer 5

What you may want to take into consideration is whether or not the father is circumcised and do likewise with your child. Whether or not it looks revolting is a matter of personal opinion. Most Mexicans are not circumcised, and I'm sure it's not an issue with themselves or their wives. What is important though, if your son is not circumcised, that he practice good hygiene there, like he would with the rest of his body. Also, when he is older, he may want to know that in the locker room, most other men are circumcised. There is nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with having blonde or curly hair or being short or tall.
If you choose not to go through with it, most insurance companies won't pay for the procedure to be done when he is older. So if you don't have it done now and later change your mind, it will be an out-of-pocket expense.

Answer 6

I really really hope you win this one!! Nowadays, there are so many boys not being circumcised, so he will not be an odd ball in the locker room. I would really get to the depth of his reasons, WHY is it how it should be? To look like his father? They will not look alike in other physical aspects too, so why is this so important? Also, once his baby is born, nothing on about his own child will be "revolting."

My friend's had their boy circumcised for the same reasons, and their baby ended up getting a vicious infection which was much more traumatic for everyone than if they had just left his poor penis alone! Maybe your husband should watch a circumcision (video or live) and then decide. If he saw how horrible it was, maybe he'd change his mind!

Answer 7

As happens so often, people are giving their opinion about circumcision rather than offering anything to assist you in resolving a legitimate difference of views between parents.

For you, obviously you face a very common situation. If you read the advice of physicians on this subject you find answers like- if Daddy is circumcised/uncircumcised then why not have laddy like daddy.
Some mothers say - Daddy has the penis, let him decide.
Some of us Moms say - I've already lived with this baby for nine months; I will decide all issues of his care!

Lucky are the parents who agree easily!

I'm afraid this goes to show that everyone has different ideas here.
Like you, I've tried to discuss this rationally with my S/O. We've reached the "agree to disagree" stage and he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I tend to believe that if we can't reslove this one, I as the prime parent will decide. (In our case that means baby gets circumcised!) My S/O is the wimpy one on this.

Let us know what you decide! (Remember, we haven't resolved this one either!)

Answer 8

My husband and I had that conversation when I was pregnant. I let him make the decision on that one. I know that sounds bad, but I am a girl. What the heck do I know about it? (By "it" I mean the long term effects of being circumcised or not) My husband is the one with the organ in question, not me. So he has a better idea about the pros and cons.
And my husband said if the baby would have been a boy, he would have had it done. And if the next one is a boy, he will have it done. I believe my hubby follows the "this is how it should be" line of thought. But I am okay with that too........that is how men are. And I would not want my son to grow up feeling different from other men, or from his dad. Besides, I read somewhere that the baby boy really should "match" the father. If the dad is, the baby should be. And if the dad is not, the baby should not be. But I can't remember where I read that.

Sorry, I say the man gets the vote on this one. It is his area of "expertise"

Answer 9

My partner and I had this discussion too when we knew the gender of our baby. I believe in not circumcising just because that's how it is in my family, plus my religion doesn't say anything about it. He believe in circumcision because of... well, pretty much the same with what your husband said.

I ended up winning because I put the medical argument there.
I also said to him that I'd give it to the kid once he's old enough to decide. I mean it's his body, why would I interfere with if (other than the fact that I carried him for nine months). So I wanted him uncircumcised so he can decide later on.

Answer 10

You should definitely have a your mind made up before you have the baby, so you know what you want at the hospital. There are pros and cons for having it and not having it done. I think it is silly how we as parents decide how our children's privates will look. After all it is their belongings, so what if your son grows up and wants one, that is MUCH more painful and more complicated as a adult than a baby. If you get one the doctors give a local anesthetic for pain, and it heals quickly just to make you feel better. Good luck in your decision making. The joys of parenting.

Answer 11

This is a difficult situation. If you belong to a church you might ask someone there to mediate for you. I would also look up current circumcision rates and show them to your husband. It isn't the unquestioned default that is was in prior years and if he is assuming that your son will be a freak if uncut you can disuade him of that at least.

For my husband and I we disagreed but not as strongly. I felt there had to be a good reason to do it, he felt there had to be a good reason not to. The information on current trends and the fact that I had a homebirth (couldn't just have it done by not saying 'no', so the default switched to my position) swung it over to the no side.

One other thing to remember is that he can choose to be circumcised later in life - he cannot choose to get his foreskin back. So if you cannot agree, why not wait until he is old enough to cast the deciding vote?