Why is it that some people use the word 'you' rather than I when they feel a certain way about a person's

Question

actions and habits? Is it that they find it harder to speak 'from the I' and state to that person how their actions or habits bother them..or is it easier to attack or insult someone (saying they are wrong rather than whatever they do or say is wrong)

I ask this because 12-step groups I attend to stay in recovery like Adult Children of Alcoholics, Overeaters Anonymous, and Codependents Anonymous encourage members to 'speak from the I'(owning their feelings) rather than using 'YOU statements' which mean that that person IS wrong rather than their ACTIONS being wrong.

To Bev...you sound like there's something wrong with attending a 12-step group and being a recovering compulsive overeater...what I know is that in MY OWN life, being in recovery, and 'owning ' my feelings,also when I have a problem with someone, focusing on what they are DOING that bothers me or that I don't understand, instead of telling them 'You're wrong' or 'You're(whatever insult people use at the time), is more constructive. I also facilitated a self-help group, and they stress CONSTRUCTIVE help rather than ripping or attacking people verbally. Insults and nastiness are not constructive when trying to help others.

Answer 1

Congratulations for being in a twelve-step program. I am sure you will be much wiser for having done it. Personally I believe you need to own your feelings and be totally honest with yourself and others. Not everyone has been fortunate enough to achieve that yet. Keep going, it will serve you well as is evidenced by your even asking the question.

Answer 2

they are to ashamed of there on feeling's,so they try to throw it off on someone else the way i see it if u think it say it if you want it do it don't sugar-coat anything for any body {be true to you} if u try to be some thing your not to impress some one..... well when the real u comes out there goes that person my mo-to is I'm just me take it or leave it i anit going to pretend for no one if u want someone to like YOU they have to like who you are and what u look like at 5 in the morning ....by the way aa-na-ect,,,do help people but the 12 step thing i think is wrong the part about u must forgive is bull,,,,,,,a boy i raised as my on was shot in the head with a sks rifle with a scope at 75 yards in a clear field no brush no trees {MURDERED} at age 17 by a crack head who claimed accident,,,I stopped going because because my counselor told my i could not be healed or helped {yeah right }unless i would forgive this person and i know what the bible says and i believe the bible but forgive this person i will never do and if god cant forgive me for this well then i guess i will see the murdering b_a_s_t_a_r_d in hell

Answer 3

don't be sensitive you are much to happy about the things that are going well-to let the perceived things that cause problems force you to think your get hurt again-give in to everything it takes to recover-don't see the tree in the forest -just see the forest and gloss over the individual things that are Always asinine about everyone one who doesn't have access to both sides of understanding thoughts and words and conceptions, the more you over analyzes the more it leave Little tales imprints on you behavior or your fears and denials and this retrieval system is not worth getting caught in just play layed back and don't analyze till you have another year under your back and you see the bigger picture and not caught up in the small stuff

Answer 4

well, if they are telling them what they dont like about another person's actions then it makes sense to use you. But its true in an argument its better not to get into accusing

Answer 5

I think you is used to generalize a statement or question .Your twelve step statement is on target when it explains using I is taking ownership.