my husband cheated and had another child should i stay or go 10yrs of marriage.?

Question

i found out about the cheating i comfront him he ending it a year later we found out about the baby before the cheating we had a happy marriage and now after the cheating and before we found about the baby we were doing ok still working things out but this lady is trying to make our life a living hell. she try everthing in her power to seperate us she will call on the phone for him to come over for sex my husband will let me listing to the way she talk and after he tell her no and don't call him unless it about the baby, she will turn around and call my phone(she got my number out of his phone) and tell me that my husband just call her for sex. she mad about the child support she's not getting what she want (i'm the one with the bigger income) she tried to get the court to make me to help and pay for child support of course that didn't work , and she also don't want let him see the child when i'm around p. s. my kids dosen't know when should i tell them age 3, 7, 10

Answer 1

1. Since you and your husband have chosen to stay together, I suggest you go to marriage counseling so you can figure out the circumstances that caused you to cheat to begin with. Work on your communication and trust issues. Your counselor can also give you ideas on how to talk to your children.

2. I agree with everyone who has suggested that your husband have a test to establish paternity. That would alleviate a lot of your problems, provided it's determined he's not the father.

3. I would suggest that you change your phone numbers, even go so far as to establish a seperate line for her calls and set it up to a voice mail or answering machine. Turn the ringer off and retrive the messages once a day (or whenever you see fit). You have to remove the power she has to unglue you and your husband. Eventually, she'll learn to speak civially to your husband and only on matters that concern the child.

4. It's unrealistic for her to expect you not to have some contact with the child.

She can only make your lives a living hell if you allow her to. You may even consider what all your legal options are when you arrange for the paternity test. If she's harassing you, keep evidence and a log of her phone calls. See if a judge will restrict her communication with you to being in writing, through an attorney or limited phone calls.

She's trying to rattle your cage in a big way. Don't let her; focus on rebuilding your relationship with your husband and keeping your family strong. The best of luck to you!

Answer 2

Before you make a decision, you need to ask yourself a few questions:

Do you still love you husband and want to stay married to him?
Are you willing to forgive, or at least not "punish" him for what he did?
Are you both willing to try a marriage counselor? (This is toooo complicated to handle on your own.)
Do you understand that you and your husband must be totally committed to each other and the complications that lay ahead?

If you answered "yes" to all of those questions then you have a shot at making this marriage work. If you answered "no" to even one of them, you need to consider moving on and perhaps talking to a therapist on your own.

Your seven and ten year old are old enough to understand there is something different in your family. If there is a chance they will hear the news at school, in the neighborhood even understand conversations you and your husband are having, you should probably tell them in a way that is appropriate to their ages.

As for the woman he cheated with, she will try to make your life miserable for a while but eventually, when child support and visitation is ironed out and she knows what she can and can't get away with, she'll settle down. If you and husband decide to stay together, the key will be to put on a united front when dealing with this woman.

Good luck to you!

Answer 3

I agree with Charvet. u people are letting baby momma run it. if there is child support go back to the courts regarding visitation, supervised or not, and seek a third party either recomended by the courts or someone that both sides are familiar with and is trustworthy to be the go between when a situation regarding the child arises she can call that enitity and they in turn forward a message to u.

restrict when there are times available to talk to ur husband if she does not respect the rules have ur husbands phone number either changed and dont change yours so she will be forced to only call yours and or have your husbands phone number forwarded to your phone again she can only contact him via you.
she will kick up her heels but u be the bigger person and advise her that u wil take a message and if it is significant enuff u will advise ur husband and get back with her with an answer.

the gist is do not let her control anything. legally even if he is not provinding child support, hopefully u have confirmed this is his child, he cannot be restricted from visitation. make her know this and haul her down everytime she breaches this. she will get tired and move on. they always do.

good luck. and if u luv ur man and trust him dont let him go.

Answer 4

You THOUGHT you had a happy marriage, but you apparently were wrong! Sorry, your husband was out cheating for a reason, and it wasn't cuz he was so happy! Plus he wasn't wearing any PROTECTION!!!!! I am not trying to cause problems here, but I do want you to really see what was or is going on! No one can separate you two, except for you two. The lady keeps calling because she wants back what she had before THEY GOT CAUGHT!! I figure unless your husband is willing to completely stop all communication with this female, she's not going to stop. As for the baby, the court needs to allow him his rights if he is paying support-he may need to wait awhile for the baby to get older before it can come to your home for visits tho. Your children will find out sooner or later about their new sibling, wait tell they figure out when it was born!! Great dad!!

Answer 5

Have a dna test done to determine if he really is this childs father. If he is the child's father then he is responsible for making child support payments regardless of his or your income. Glad you and your husband are able to work out your problems but this woman has a right to collect child support from your husband if indeed this child is really his. After all, it took two to tangle and your husband is just as responsible. The point is, the child is the innocent one that should not be the one to pay the price of your husband and this woman's mistakes. Best wishes to all involved.

Answer 6

have your number changed, she is just making up lies so u will think he is cheating and leave him so that she can have him. apparently her life did not turn out as she had hoped, so she will continue to torture u and your husband for awhile. if u are paying support for the child, than your husband has the right to seek shared parenting in the courts, and take the baby to your home. your husband seems to be upfront with u and honest, just keep your eyes and ears open. this woman has now become a liability to him, and no longer an assett. as the father who is paying child support, he has more rights than she thinks he does. her anger is focused at u, as u didn't leave him u chose to forgive and welcome him back into the marriage. her plans are now ruined, she is stuck with a kid, and no husband and no lover, so she is going to try to hurt u as much as she can. jealousy...get an attorney, if she continues to harass get a protective order against her, tape her conversations, if she is a bad person and the baby is in danger, or u can prove this woman is unstable and the baby is in danger seek custody of it.

Answer 7

The children need to know their brother or sister. My dad had a lot of children by different women and now that were grown we are all mad because our moms were too selfish not to let us be around each other growing up. Well your husband brought this on himself unfortunately and you shouldnt feel bad at all. Of course she is trying to ruin things because she is on the back burner. Men always go out and sleep with women without protection and then turn around and dont want the responsibility of taking care of the child. It's not the childs fault. He needs to help support that baby because he made that baby.

On the other hand she cant expect sex from him, but what can you do? You cant miss what you've never had. She knows what its like to be with him, so she wants him to be her man and be a family with them. It's up to you. If you feel like you can trust him now and you all can get pass this then stay with him. But if you feel like he may do it again, you might want to consider divorce. Most men go back and sleep with their childrens mothers if they still have the opprotunity. So dont blame yourself, you did nothing wrong. He just went out and did what most selfish men go out and do. Just change the phone numbers on her. She'll eventually get tired of calling if he keeps ignoring her.

Answer 8

Me and my husband were in the same situation. It got to the point where I had to tell him that if his baby moma can't respect him and me, then she won't be allowed to call anymore. It was a very difficult situation because an innocent child was involved but the decision had to be made.

Your husband has to step up to the plate and let her know that him and his wife is to be respected. If she can't be respectful then he's going to have to cut all ties with her including the child. I know that sounds harsh but if this woman wants her child to have a relationship with his/her father then she's going to have to change her behavior.

Where your children are concerned, you need to tell them now. They need to know so that everyone can begin a true healing process. Right now, the baby moma is running it. You and your husband got to change this whole situation around.

Answer 9

Me if I was a woman i be damn mad and I will leave him and I would get child support and what to tell the kids let kids ask you someday find out why you left daddy?? you can tell them when you think it right. and I don't want to deal with him and that other woman... I don't have time for this games .....

You know what I mean... Really you don't need to deal with him and her ... you have kids to look after and yourself too. it will make your life easier. I hope you understand what I am try to say. If you going to stay with him you will have more plm with this woman over and over and over again no matter what. if you dump him and left him and move other place or state I know that you have a normal life.

Answer 10

Your husband chose to stay with you, so at this point, other then financially support this child, he should have very little to do with her, if she will continue to harass you, get a lawyer and an order of protection, preventing her to make these calls. Your husband might need to cut his losses and not see this child at all, only contribute financially and pretty much shut her out of your lives, till she understands that for the benefit of this baby she should behave better. As for your own kids. keep them out of it as long as you can. Good luck.