My wife lacks a sex drive; never initiates sex?

Question

I'm at the point now where I am tired of always asking for or initiating sex. I am always sensitive to her needs (unselfish) and she say she enjoys it, but she rarely takes the first step. It's been 8 days now and its driving me crazy. We've talked about this several times but nothing changes. Married over 20 years. Help!

Answer 1

I have always had a problem initiating sex. My husband had a problem with this for years - he was always one to say 'I did last time now it's your turn'. It doesn't work that way. Most women (unless they really have mega testosterone levels) are the same way. Especially those of us that are older or of menopause/premenopause age. Talking about it isn't going to help - it may only make her feel worse, more guilty, and lower her sex drive even more.
My advice to you is to get more physical with her. I'm not talking sexually, I'm talking actively. Do you two take walks together? Work out together? Start doing a physical activity, something invigorating, with her and you will both be surprised. This will help her if she is menopausal, too. If she is self-conscious about her body or her weight, even a 5 lb weight drop or an inch or two off of her waist-line (esp. if you take her shopping to 'celebrate', lol) will make a difference in her libido. I am in chemically-induced menopause for 4 yrs. now and it has been h.e.doublehockeysticks! My waistline got bigger and my libido plummeted. I managed to get my weight back under control, do strength training to help stave off osteoporosis, and could barely contain myself when I was able to get back into my old clothes. I felt sexy again. That's what it's all about, too. Feeling sexy again.
Exercising together and romancing her will let her know how much you care about her and not just your conjugal rights (much more effective than whining about not getting any!). You will feel better, physically and mentally, from this too.
Try it - you will be amazed at how much closer the two of you will become in every way.

Answer 2

Normally I know what to say, but I'm on the same end as you, only the other way around! No kidding, this is the exact same situation I am in right now with my own husband, only we've been married less than a year! I can't imagine what it's going to be like in 20 years at this point. Ya know...I dunno, I've tried talking, that does nothing, I've tried sleeping naked-for a week, that does nothing. I've tried touching him nightly, sometimes that works lol...He won't watch video's...or spice things up that way...
So, I'll just give it my best advice lol...any possible way you can have fun and do a strip-tease???
See the way I feel is..after doing stuff that should turn him on, and I still don't get what I want-then I just stop doing it, because I give up and feel unwanted. Then I decide I just don't want any, but I get resentful....but you are the guy...so this is just back-asswards lol....

Answer 3

I'm guessing that if you've been married for over 20 years, that makes you both around 40, 45? If that's the case then a woman's sex drive can really decrease due to premenopause or possible other reasons. As with every relationship, the passion can fade after time. Maybe you need to try new methods of initiating it. Add some spice! If it's the same old rub, touch, kiss, feel routine she may be bored with it and it's time to throw some serious seduction into the mix! I'm talking candles, champagne and strawberries, and Barry White! Good luck!!!

Answer 4

My first question would be - how old is she? If you've been married 20 years, she may be at the age when menopause is starting - and that may be the reason for her low sex drive. My second question would be - how's your hygiene? Don't laugh - stinky breath, smokers breath, smelly or flabby body may be a turn off for her, and from a woman's point of view, has NOTHING to do with how much she loves you! My advise is: take a good look in the mirror and see what you can do to make yourself irresistible to her! My husband and I have been married for 14 years and things are still hot because we go on a date once a month and plan romantic times during the week, write each other love notes and hot e-mails several times a week - it works for us, and I sincerely hope you find it works for you.

I wish you well - God bless!

Answer 5

First, Foreplay begins hours before sex. Did you look her lovingly in the eyes this morning or did you hide behind the paper or just ruch out the door? do you treat her as loving partner or do never notice all the work she does, her jb, around the house.

To a woman in her forties (?) nothing is sexier than a man doing the dishes, vacuuming the floor. Initiating family discusions.

Second, she may be experiencing a hormonal drop, vitimin deficiency ect. Perhaps you could consult a physician or a wholistic health professional.

Thirdly, she may have some old fashioned ideas about women who intiate sex. What was her family like. Was she ever molested as a child?

There could be a lot of contributing factors.

Answer 6

Wow that's a lot of miles on your meter. You have to try and understand with women it's different, some of us were brought up to think sex was wrong or its not proper for a woman to force her self on a man. So even though she is older and married she is obviously still uncomfortable initiating or asking you to have sex with her cause she was brought up to think that that's the man's job.(although this is a pretty extreme case being that you've been together for over 20yrs.)

Don't worry; don't asked her for sex if she really enjoys making love to you she will come around.

PS: keep your fingers crossed, but if this doesn't work try seeing a sex therapist.

Answer 7

Well, Well. I've been married going on three years now and I don't initiate it either. The reason why is because I'm a lil shy about it. I love havin sex with my husband, don't get me wrong but I'm just a lil shy about initiating it. I kinda pick at him or whatever and we may have sex that way but I don't do the things he does. I understand that you are fed up with it but I just say to be happy that you are gettin some. What would you do if she said no every time you wanted it. There are other things important than worryin about your wife not initiating sex. You have each other isn't that all should matter?

Answer 8

This is going to be painful to hear. But after hearing complaints from my friends for years about sex this is the conclusion. Women don't lack a sex drive. They love sex (when done correctly). However, as the years pass, women lose interest in their husbands as sexual beings. When you get comfortable in a relationship and the dynamics wear off, you basically become roommates with your spouse. Even though they love you, that love is more sisterly - brotherly than it is passionate. It's hard to feel passionate about one's brother or sister. Sex then becomes an obligation or chore. It's hard to work up enthusiam for an obligation/chore. I honestly don't know how to change that. I really don't. If you figure it out, let me and the rest of the world know. But that is the way it is with every couple I know with 10 or more years of marriage. My husband and I just about mark a calendar for sex so that his needs can be met. He wishes for more spontenaity and I frankly don't have the time for it. Do I love sex, oh yes. But I just can't work up the passion for an obligation. I do love my hubby - I just don't feel the passion anymore and many, many women are in the same boat and will tell you so if they're honest.

Answer 9

Some people just have a low sex drive... Sorry dude. I'm sure there are some things about you she just has to accept, too. She might be tired of always initiating laundry or cooking. After 20 years, I'm surprised you feel that 8 days without is outrageous. Maybe you just need to get your mind occupied with something else; learn a foreign language or something.

Answer 10

As women get older, often their self-esteem surrounding their physical bodies and sexual prowess decreases. Surrounded by a culture that praises youthful bodies that's totally understandable. You're not doing anything wrong, but try doing something for her that makes her feel beautiful without suggesting sex, taking her out for a nice dinner or vacation, buying her flowers, and she'll eventually come around. Everyone needs reassurance at some point, however if you are truly unsatisfied and she is unwilling to change, then you should leave. People who say "sex is not important" in relationships are either lying or chemically imbalanced.