Ex-Spouses that turn children against the other parent?

Question

How many people have had this happen to them? My husband's ex wife is constantly brain washing their 2 daughters in thinking that their dad is the worst person ever after they got divorced. In all actuality she as the one that cheated and moved her lover in the same day she kicked my husband out. I guess she has to make her self look good after she was the one in the wrong.
She has them thinking he doesn't care, doesn't do anything for them, etc....So, the kids always say my mom got me this and that ....when my husband pays her $1000 a month in support and she doesnt work. I tell me husband just to tell them where the money comes from but he thinks he would be lowering himself to her standards. I think it is ok to let your child know you support them financially. Anyway, I am just frusterated that she is turning the kids against him there is no reason that children should have to chosse between their parents.

I guess I needed to add more details to those who criticized me....but there wasn't enough room. This woman tells these kids the things I mentioned they tell me husband to his face that he doesnt care or do anything for them their mom does it all. Also, she had their 15 yr make allegations against him and of course they were found to be untrue...she is a very controlling person and doesnt want the kids to have an type of a relationship with my husband

Also, as hard as it is we NEVER say anything bad about their mom. But I hate to see my husband hurting...She married her lover and he makes as much as my husband so they are not hurting for money

Answer 1

It's a horrible thing to do to the kids.

I was living with my girlfriend and her two kids at one point, and the ahole ex taught his son to give me the finger.

All of 6 years old.

Answer 2

This happens more often than you might think. It happens in a majority of cases where there are custody disputes.

Children are often used as weapons. It's very sad.

The problem with it is that it is so destructive to a child. You are essentially telling the child that he or she is partly bad, inherently.

I don't think there is anything you can do about this without making the problem worse. Some people are just selfish and you can't change a person. Accept it for what it is and work to change the things you can change. You can't change this.

Answer 3

I have never had to go through this but I would never try and turn my kids against their dad. I think that it is awful when the parents or parent uses the children. If I were your husband I would tell them that he gives their mother $1000 for the things that they get and need. I would not let her look good and me look bad. She sounds like she has problems.

Best of luck
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Answer 4

It really sucks that your husband has to go through this. My bf's ex tried to do that to his kids, but they learned. My ex and his wife tried to do that to my kids( we lived in seperate states and he had the kids for the summer) it got to the point that when the kids were old enought to understand i told them exactaly what was going on. He was trying to tell them that i wasn't spending the child support on them, but what he failed to tell them was it was for heat, rent, electricity, water, clothes and anything else they might need. We remained friends after our divorce and still are, when the kids would come home and tell me this crap, I would get right on the phone and call him. 9 out of 10 times it was his B**** wife feeling that $400. a month for 2 kids was too much and i shouldn't get that much because they had kids of thier own. Anyway your husband needs to say something to her and the kids. We have a friend whose kids (13 and 17) are court orderd to go see thier mother when they would rather not, and another (same state) who wants thier kids (12 and 17) to be told they have to come, and they are told that the kids are old enough to make up thier own minds. NOW IS THAT CRAZY!!!!

Answer 5

I'm a dad living that exact same nightmare. Your husband is right not to tell the kids about the support. That puts them even more in the middle of something that is not their fault. They'll figure it out on their own. I commend your husband for taking the high road. I hope all these "parents" that do this to their kids get what they deserve!

Answer 6

The kids will someday see right through her and start forming their own opinions. He is right in not lowering him self to her level and in the long run both him and you will come out on top. Let the kids see for themselves instead of forming their opinions for them.
You two are the better adults here, Just keep that in mind and someday your husband and you will reap the benefits. Sometimes, good things come to those who are patient. Good luck to you both, and I admire you for being a good 2nd wife. Those kids will be proud of you one day too

Answer 7

I commend him for being the bigger man!

Even if she ended the marriage, it's still his responsibility to take care of the children. I'm not saying she's right...she's definitely wrong, but if she took that $1000 every month and paid her mortgage, electricity, phone & cable bills that is money she is entitled for being their primary care-giver. Not including the fact that she still has 3 mouths to feed.

If he wants them to say look what my dad bought me he should take them & buy them some things or don't, but don't get offended when she buys them things especially when you have no ides where the money she's using to buy these things comes from.

For all we know she could be running tricks.

With only $1000 a month, no job and three mouths to feed, I don't believe sh has money to just buy them things.

I love your frustration, it showa how much you care for your husband, but you've got to care for the kids more and butt-out!

Answer 8

He is right. If he says that then he is lowering himself to her level.

The children are young. Both you and him need to be strong and understand that the children are innocent in this.

I promise you that when they are older, they will see and understand that their father is not as bad as their mother pretended. Kids are smarter then they pretend,

All that your husband can do is be a good father to them. It's not all about material items, it's about love and caring. Kids recognize that on a deeper level. They might like to ask mom for things and see what they can get out of dad, but they will not resent dad for not buying their love. They will pretend to, but they won't in their hearts.

If this is not bothering him, don't let it bother you. His ex wife is probably jealous that he is happy and she isn't.

Answer 9

I know that it sucks because my boyfriend has the same problem but he does even get to talk to his children. He just got all of the birthday cards that we sent them and a letter from both of them saying that they don't want to have anything to do with him. I really do think that all you can do is talk to the other parent and tell them how you feel and just wait and time will pass and sooner or later the children will want to know the truth.

Answer 10

As a mother who receives child support for one of my children (my son) of course his father pays child support, and I use that money as I see fit, to purchase clothing, games, and what not for our son, and if I purchase a $50 game or an outfit worth $100 I don't feel the need to tell my son, "oh by the way baby, this was purchased with the money your dad has to give me for child support." Children don't think about things like that. And until they are old enough to know about child support, it really isn't a concern for them to know who pays for what. My son is 14 and know how much I receive from his Dad. I think you are being petty and trying to put something into the kids head yourself. Why would you really care if the mother says that? In the eyes of the children, the mother did purchase the item for them, all they know is that it came from her, and it really doesn't matter if it was from her paycheck or his child support as long as the child has what he/she needs. And for most parents receiving child support, the child support goes into their bank account. So chill and don't worry about petty things such as this. This will make the children pull away from you for making a big deal about who provides what, after all they aren't thinking in financial means they are only thinking in terms of Mom and Dad.