OMG, what do I do? How should I be feeling?!?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 3 weeks on Sunday for starters. Him and his ex-wife have been going at it for a couple of days, she wants to up the child support and get full custody of their son. I love my husband, there is no doubt about it! Well I go into his e-mail today and I read and e-mail he hasn't read yet from his ex and it stated in there that on the day of our wedding (he went to see his son before) he told his ex-wife that he didn't think he wanted to marry me. I read that and started to cry...what do I do?! I am hurt right now!! Do I say anything to him? Please, any advice...I see him in about an hour and I don't even know if I can look at him!!!

I never thought he would think this...he does everything for me and I do the same for him. I thought this was the perfect relationship, yeah we've had our ups and downs but everyone does! Should I be mad and especially since he confided in his wife?!

I did print it, but I'm afraid to even say anything...I guess I want to believe it isn't true but I know it is.

I'm not leaving my husband, I love him! I know him and his ex still talk like that and I had it out with him the other night because of it and he promised to keep the relationship purely his son. He does know I go in his e-mail, he asks me everyday if there is anything new and important in there. This is all touchy because of the crap is ex is now pulling, I know he is going through a lot and I don't want to add to it, but I am hurting and now I'm starting to question the marriage!

It is no excuse to me that he said it because of jitters. I asked him BEFORE we got married if he had any doubts and he said no. I was very nervous too and this was my first but not one D*** time did I ever say that I didn't think I wanted to marry him! Why are a lot of you turning it around that I did wrong?!

Answer 1

First things first.

Take a deep breath, then slowly let it out.

I don't know how explicit the e-mail was or how much of his "total mind" it revealed.

But I would not jump ahead too far in the future and let your fears take over.

You read something you were not supposed to be reading, in an exchange your husband is having with someone he used to love and is now fighting with. People say some things in context of stressful situations that sometimes can't be taken out of that context. I would not read too much into it until you talk to him about it (in a deep and meaningful way, not as an accusatory fight).

I know you were badly hurt by what you saw. Most people would be. But it doesn't mean he's about to leave you, or doesn't love you. You really need to get it through your system, and then find a good time to ask him how he's feeling about things (the custody battle, the marriage, any doubts he might be having). Be open and willing to share any doubts or reservations you have about things as well.

You really want to find out what he's really thinking, not react to something you read in an e-mail that he was writing to someone else.

Many people are also ambivalent to their relationships at times, especially when stressed or tired. Even people they love, they sometimes have doubts about. Some people never question things; other people question even the things they want to do.

Hang in there, girl. I can't promise what's going to happen, either way; I just know you have to get through the pain stage and make sure you are thinking clearly, so that you can then talk to him and learn more details about what he's thinking and feeling, and go from there.

--

Saw your other comments.

Again, I just encourage you to relax and slow down a little.

You've been married a month. I've been married over fourteen years. Many of the things that felt catastrophic in the early months and years simply are things that get dealt with as time passes and become less world-shattering over time. People are not perfect. They sometimes have doubts or say and do the wrong things. We are all inconsistent at times. None of us really know what we're doing.

What makes things work? Accepting those mistakes/uncertainties and continuing forward.

I know it seem big to you now, and I can't promise you the outcome you desire (there are no promises things will work out); I'm simply saying that you need to ride things out, simply continue to work with your husband on your relationship, and take this in stride. Making too much of it could actually destroy your relationship.

I know it feels huge to you. Your best shot is to accept it and keep going, and not reading too much into it at this time.

Answer 2

Stay out of his things. Give the man some privacy. If I had married you and you were looking at my e-mail, I would divorce you immediately. You should not have married somebody you do not trust. What you are doing is wrong and now you are the recipient of information that you should not have and it is causing you pain.

Men have doubts about marriage all the time. This is normal. It's odd that he was discussing it with his ex but who knows what strangeness lurks in any human mind.

Stop looking up the man's butt with a microscope. It seems to me that you are insecure and not trusting. You should go get counseling. Your behavior will ultimately destroy your marriage. Don't tell your husband that you were poking through his stuff and stop doing it.

If you don't trust him, have the marriage anulled and move on. There is very little, in my book, that is lower than a spy. I never look through my wife's stuff. I would not feel comfortable doing so. It is the ultimate disrespect.

I feel for you, I do and I don't mean to be hard on you. I can see that you feel pain over what you discovered but that was not yours to read. If you knew everything that anybody said about you, you would be a trainwreck.

Go buy a book called "The Four Agreements" and read it. You can read it in an eveing. It's a good book and it deals with what I'm talking about. If you read it three or four times, you'll be a better person for it and it will help you to deal with this.

I wish you the very best but please, don't be a snoop. That is low and dirty.

Good luck.

Answer 3

It could've been just pre marriage jitters. Talk to him about it. If he really does want out, now would be the best time. You could possible just get an anullment instead of going thru a bitter divorce. I wouldn't worry too much about it until you talk to him. In conversation just ask him if he had pre wedding jitters or any doubts and ask him if he is happy and if he feels he made the right decision. Don't attack him though, you will look like the bad guy if he finds out you read his persoanl e-mail.

You CAN have jitters even if it's something he was sure of. I could understand that and when you are nervous and jittery you say or do things that you don't mean. Not bad intentions, just human nature honey!

Talk to him!!!!!!

Good luck!

Answer 4

My first thought was that maybe he was just suffering from "cold feet". He was hurt in the past, add to that the fact that he was probably getting nervous about the wedding and it wouldn't suprise me that he might have said that.

My guess as to why he told his ex wife is because she was probably there when he was feeling this and it was someone he knew well that he felt able to talk to about personal feelings.

He DID marry you though which shows that he did want to go through with it. I'd put money down that he was just feeling jitters and you're blowing the entire issue out of proportion. Talk to him about it, but do so calmly. There is no point getting yourself upset over unproven assumptions told to you by perfect strangers who have no idea themselves.

Do the work first, then worry about damage control.

Answer 5

yeah you should say something because if you don't you will always have it on the back of your mind. He should have told you before he married you. Do you know why his ex is so pissed off and wants to have full custody and up child support. I think that there could be any number of reasons for that including jealousy. If he can't communicate with you on a topic as important as marriage, maybe you should rethink your situation. Marriage does not work without communication and that is the bottom line.

Answer 6

This is your OWN fault.. you should NOT be snooping in his e-mail EXACTLY for this reason.

What you don't know can't hurt you ... hope you learned a valuable lesson.

As for the e-mail, she's probably very bitter, and everyone gets nervous before they get married, so he probably said something out of nerves and now she's turned it into something bigger.

So, now you're going to confront him with the fact that you were snooping and guilt trip him for the rest of your marriage?

Just keep quiet and stay out of his stuff from now on.

If you just can't do that, why not e-mail her back as him, and pry a bit to see how serious his statement about not wanting to marry you REALLY was?

Oh, and since you opened up an UNREAD e-mail, he will know you found it, so you better delete it fast if you are not going to confront him... better think real quick ... or forward it to your account, and delete it if you need time to think....


Don't listen to ADMANA ... asking him those questions tonight would only make him see what a truly insecure person you are!

Answer 7

Cold feet... It's typical. My husband was grumpy on the day of the wedding. Don't worry about it - it's not what he says, it's what he does that counts. If you read ANYONE's private thoughts, you will find out a lot of things you would rather not know. Stay out of his personal e-mail, and enjoy your marriage. No relationship is "perfect", and if every time one of you had second thoughts you shared it with each other, it would turn completely dysfunctional. Some things are fleeting thoughts not meant to be shared - have the wisdom to understand that. Good luck.

Answer 8

That's very hurtful.

IF he said it, and it could be true, it sounds like he still wants to please her. Then he wants to please you. Then her. Then you.

This means he doesn't have a backbone - he avoids conflict, and wants to be everything to everyone so there's never any confrontation.

People like this live with a lot of fear (with about a million reasons why), and it screws up their relationships since they never take a stand.
So, instead of trying for the next 40 years to figure out why he is so passive about conflict, you have to initiate the confrontation. Screw his spinelessness – you have to force him to confront unpleasant ideas and actions.

Tell him, “I went in to your e-mail to check on something (assuming you had the password and it was okay, otherwise say, “I was snooping around in your e-mail.”)

Anyway, continue by saying, “And I was in there, I found out something important about you. And I just need to know if it’s true. Your ex said you told her that you weren’t sure if you wanted to marry me on the day of our wedding. Is that true?”

Now don’t mention how hurtful it is or what the consequences of his statement will be YET. Just get at the truth of the statement. DON’T say “I read this – I am so hurt – it will end us if it’s true – did you say it?” This is the way most women would phrase it and if he knows the consequences up front then OF COURSE he will deny it. Just say “Look, I just need to know. People can be unsure, and I want to know if you were.”

So, once you get at the truth it – and if he is an “avoider” then it most likely is true – THEN you can say “That’s just so hurtful. We’re through. Go back to her and enjoy her since you confide in her more than me, you trust her more than you do me, you talk to her more than you do me, she knows more our your private thoughts than I do.”

Spineless people tend to stay spineless since changing requires them to confront their own personality and how it hates confrontation so it is very difficult for them to ever start as someone once called it ‘running to the roar.’

My vote: he doesn’t deserve you. Dumpsville, now.

Answer 9

Stop snopping through his email. Did he marry you? Uhh yeah!!! Hello??? KNOCK KNOCK you've been i assume happily married for 3 years. Why are you going to let something as trival as that bother you? It's called "pre wedding jitters"

Men get REAL nervous before walking down that isle..but he did. He said I DO with the intent to stay wiht you for the rest of his life.

You need to NOT take it so personal that men react differntly to weddings than women do. A wedding is OUR day, and he's just part of it :). Mark the email as unread and do NOT give it a second though. And in the future, stay out of his inbox. that is invading his privacy and a show of distrust and disrespect!

Answer 10

OMG you do the same things I do going through his e-mail. Don't let him know you read it. He will chnage his passwords and he won't trust you anymore. I think the best thing to do is before you go to bed tonight just ask him do you like being married to me and do you think you've made a god choice? I'm telling you don't tell him you found out even if your mad. It will only make things worse. Just ask him out of the blue. That is kinda sad though and I'm sorry about that. He could have just been mad when he wrote that or something. Don't overreact