Unhappy relationship advice.?

Question

Unhappy relationship advice.?
I know that Y answers isn't the best place for advice, but sometimes strangers help more than loved ones. I'm so unhappy in my relationship, but I don't want to end it. We've been together for about 7 months, but she shows virtually no affection; furthermore, she seems so outgoing and fun around others but quiet and introverted around me. I asked her what I can do to be a better man, and she said that the thought of me brings a smile to her face and that she is happy. She says that meeting me was like angels coming down from heaven, but she NEVER shows love for me. She seems cold. Sometimes, I'll mention something in e-mail for instance about how I feel about her, and she won't respond. She'll act like I didn't even say it. She is so guarded. She has been hurt in the past and has a beautiful daughter. I've fallen in love with both her and her daughter. Her behavior pushes me away, and I'm insecure as it is. It just makes me feel more insecure. Advice?

Her behavior makes my mind tick around her. I can't concentrate on little things like watching a movie with her. I just get lost in thought. It's just become a major problem, but I do love her. I've talked to her about the same issue twice now, but nothing has changed.

Answer 1

WELL I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GUYS GET ALONG GOOD. BUT SINCE SHES BEEN HURT BEFORE AND HAVE A DAUGHTER TO THINK OF , SHE PROBABLY IS AFRAID TO OPEN UP. ITS A WIN OR LOSE SITUATIOIN. MAYBE IF YOU TALK TO HER AGAIN AND ASK HER TO RESPOND TO IT, BECAUSE ITS MAKING YOU VERY UNSECURE. AND RE ASSURE HER THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HURT HER, TELL HER THAT YOU CARE FOR HER AND HER DAUGHTER. AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD TAKE YOU AWAY. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 2

I'll start off with this: My wife and I were once in this exact situation. I felt the EXACT same way you did. Here's some advice after living through it that I wish someone would have told me:

1. You answer your own question. Your own insecurity makes this an unhappy relationship for you. And as much as you think she doesn't, she recognizes your insecurities and is with you right now. Have more confidence in yourself. Don't blame yourself if she doesn't seem "jovial." Relax, stop analyzing everything she does. That coupled with your insecurity will only drive her away, and could be a huge reason she's quiet around you. Perhaps she's quite because she perceives you as insecure and she knows every move she makes is under a microscope. Having to constantly tell her how you feel or show affection is not you showing love, it's you reaffirming your relationship because you are insecure.

2. I'm not being rude, but having this mantality, will really, really, really help. It did wonders for my relationship. Pick up the gonads the good Lord gave you and reclaim as yours. Wear them proudly. Be a man. Sometimes that's what women want. I'm not saying treat her like crap. Start with small stuff. Make it goal to not say "I love you" to her until she says it to you. It's not proving a point, its more keeping yourself from over doing it with all the feelings. Progress from there. When you're watching a movie, it's not always grab *** time, sometimes, it's just to watch a movie.

3. She is guarded because she's a single mother. YOU WILL NEVER BREAK DOWN THAT GUARD...EVER. You need to respect it, and understand it. She has been hurt. Badly. She gave birth to a man's baby, and he left. That hurts and always will. And now you can restore her faith and you show your insecurity? How can she be secure in your relationship if you're not?

I know this is a lot, and there's probably 100's of more things I could tell you, but mainly, just relax and toughen up. She knows you love her and she obviously likes you. Just remember that. And just because she's the life of the party when you're out, doesn't mean she wants to be at home. Maybe at home, she just wants to quietly relax in the company of a good man. Be that good man. My wife is the life of every party, and when its just us at home, we can go hours not saying a word to each other. And it's a comfortable silence. Whether we're both watching TV or reading books, or doing different things. It our time to decompress together. There was time I thought that meant there was something wrong, now it's the highlight of my day.

Answer 3

Well, it sounds as though she does care about you, however, has a very hard time displaying it(especially the way in which you want her to display it). You sound like a very sensitive kind of guy which is different than a lot of men I have known. It is usually the other way around. Maybe you are expecting something from her that she just can't give to you? Especially given her hurts in the past, and being a mom now, she is probably quite guarded. She not only has herself to protect, but her daughter as well. Some people are also just not "warm and fuzzy" kind of people. The more you push them, the more they back away. I am a very romantic and touchy/feely kind of woman. Yet I will say, there have been times when I dated a great guy but I just wasn't ready to be in the relationship that they expected. I had just gotten out of a bad situation and was somewhat closed emotionally. It seemed that the more I backed away, the more that the guy would try and pursue me. I would finally just end the relationship because I would feel so guilty about not meeting thier expectations. Sounds like she needs time and space. If you really want her in your life, you may need to do all that you canto give her that and not force her intimacy right now or she may walk. Or, she may just never be capable of giving you the kind of emotion that you seem to want. It may just not be the ideal pairing. Therapy has always helped if she is open to that. Otherwise, all you can do right now is just give her space and understanding. Good luck.

Answer 4

Depending on how badly she's been hurt in the past will really tell you what's wrong with her. I was hurt so badly before that I can no longer show love. My husband and I had a major fall out because of it. I was distant and wasn't quite sure how to show my feelings. The best thing for you to do, is give her time. Maybe see if counseling will work for her and you. Believe it or not, she might be trying her hardest to show you things that she's not sure she can show any one. Her theory is this...if she doesn't get too close to you, then if you leave her, it won't hurt as much. If she falls in love with you...truely falls in love with you, she's afraid you'll break her heart. Every time she tries to push you away...get closer. It will assure her that you're not going anywhere...Eventually, she'll start to see that you'll always be there, and she'll losen up. I don't know how long it will take, so you have to make sure you're willing to do what ever it takes no matter how long it takes. If you're not, then don't stay there. It will just hurt you more.

Answer 5

My advice to you buddy is to keep talking. The more you do the more likely you are to find out what is really going on with her. Maybe because of the past relationship, and the hurt she went through, she is unwilling to give her all to this relationship fearing she will be hurt again. But talk to her.
I just ended a long relationship with someone I loved. We didn't talk enough in an open and honest manner all along. At the end I discovered things about stuff that had gone on in the past that shocked me and made me glad it was over. My point is, if we had talked more deeply maybe I would have discovered these things sooner or maybe they would never have happened.
Talk, talk and more talk. Be intimate, supportive and loving. Don't let her not being intimate stop you from showing it to her. Believe me, if she is true to you and loves you like you say, one day, when her past is truly behind her, she will open up and love you back. Hang in there buddy!!

Answer 6

I was involved in a (somewhat) similar situation. At the beginning I didn't know if what we had was just a summer fling or if it might develop into something more serious. She was a very sexual person. I don't know if your use of the word "affection" means sex. But my feelings had started to grow past sexual passion and more towards complete and sincere interest in her as a person. She was "hurt" in the past. She was sexually abused as a girl. But as far as simply holding, hugging, carressing with me - she seemed uncomfortable. When we eventually split I was astonished at how hurt she seemed. I thought, could this have become more serious if I just gave it more time and waited for her wall(s) to come down. I don't envy you. Patience where passion is involved is a difficult thing. I would direct your comments to her through face to face interaction instead of e-mail. (Continue to) show interest in her passions and interests. Quick and easy social interaction might seem much less intimidating to her than someone who wants a commited relationship. She sounds like a quality person. I wish you luck with what may be her "walls."

Answer 7

I would do my best to tell her how you feel and if she can't change to make you happy then move on. Don't let yourself get more attached to her if you see no change in the way she is acting. She just might be scared too. Try backing off a little and don't show her any affection. If she really likes you she'll start showing it when you stop. Sometimes spending sometime apart helps. Maybe she'll miss you if you don't acknoledge her.

Answer 8

from what you have said she seems to be this happy outgoing person around others.She as stated by you is playing a part of being happy,is she?Think this problem is all about how she feels about herself not you.You can't fix her don't try.Your unhappy!Right! Take care of yourself that's all you can do and if that means taking a break from her do so. Better yet take time to really get to know what you like about yourself.There are always ways to improve and better ones self.Make afew new friends go places you never have.Take in a movie by yourself do things for yourself that make you happy and more secure.Hope you find your way.

Answer 9

i've bn through the same thing.now i'm married.unhappy.u should talk to her about it again.tell her that she is ruining ur love that way.being hurt sometimes let us think that showing love= being weak.tell her that u completely understan that the past might have changed her feelings towards love.show her more love and warmth.let ger feel secured.and see,if she starts to change,then go ahead.but don't try to get to her through her daughter,coz if u break up,the little girl will suffer.and i'm sure from the way speak about her that u dont want that to happen.

Answer 10

you should really sit down & talk to her about this. i know she's been hurt in the past, but everyone needs to give love a chance. it sounds like you really love her, but it takes 2 for a relationship and she needs to contribute.. just don't always give and give you need comfort too. if nothing else changes then you need to move on.