Wife and Kids problem?

Question

My wife is something of a mystery. 3 months ago, things got hard and we were arguing a lot and my wife walked out on me for a month (both our faults. We are newlyweds and haven’t learned how to communicate and argue effectively yet). We still have issues but went to marriage counseling and it helped a little even though we still argue. Even though we still have some issues, she’s pushing now to have a baby. I tell her that I would like to maybe start trying next year but she has to calm down and we have to be married for a while longer. She’s almost 30 and her biological clock is ticking (even though she has a kid from a previous marriage). Somehow she’s related a kid with the end all be all to me loving her. I tell her that I would like to just concentrate on spending time with her right now. Now she says if I don’t have a kid with her, I don’t love her because that’s what two people who love each other do and we talked about having more kids before we got married (no we didn’t and only a month ago she didn’t want anymore). Can anyone diagnose this woman for me and give me some advice? I really don’t want to have a kid yet (maybe someday with her) but just because I won’t have a kid with her doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Plus I’m already helping her raise the one she had from some other dude! That should show her that I love her right there! What is she trying to tell me in women speak that I don’t understand? Her logic makes no sense when just 3 months ago she walked out for awhile! Makes no logical sense to me.

Answer 1

just tell it to her straight...you both have to
Care
Communicate
Compromise

Answer 2

Some women feel the need to have a child by someone to create a special bond with them. And maybe she really does feel this way, but maybe she is just pressuring you because that is her thing to do. Maybe she does not feel complete as a person, and having a baby with you will help HER to feel better. Woman can be very confusing, I do understand. She may also feel that having your baby will make all the problems go away, that you have within your marriage. All of these reasons to have a baby are WRONG. And you need to have a better relationship with her before you think about bringing another baby into this world. Since you are newly married and you have had so many problems and continue to have verbal confrontations, I would really wait to have a baby. I would give it about 5 years. If she is only 30, she has a lot longer to have a child. Women have babies all the time now, over 30, over 35 and over 40. I really think you should wait a few years. And if SHE really loves YOU, she will understand, or try to understand. And if she leaves you about this, then maybe you both were not meant to be together.

Answer 3

Be careful!
If I were you, I'd start using protection. She is ripe to trick you into another child. Women who think they have no power in a relationship do these things.
She is insecure, and doesn't like the feeling. She wants you to PROVE you love her the way she wants you to. Good luck on that one. She wants to fix it quick, since it doesn't feel good. Sounds like she gets most of her validation from sex, pregnancy, being a mom, and not from her other talents and assets. Encourage her to get a job she loves, or a hobby that she is passionate about. Not Walmart-but maybe Wall Street. Not clipping coupons, but deisgning web-pages or something that stretches her brain and talents, not her belly.
Drag her back to counseling. She is not done yet.
If you don't want to have a kid yet, dig your heels in. No one should have a child against his or her will. It is not reasonable for her to insist. And it is a SHARED DECISION, not a pleading and giving in situation.
This may become a deal-breaker. She may insist. You may dig in. Will you divorce her rather than give her a baby when you don't want one? I hope your answer is yes. She will use this tactic again if you bail out.
Will she divorce you before she shuts up about another baby? Probably not, since she would have to start all over trying to hog-tie a dad for her babies. She might, but then good riddance.
You do not need a baby with a woman who is not grown up yet.
Do not diagnose her. That is not your job. Love her, and reassure her and insist that you two wait until you are more stable as a couple. The baby deserves it.
She can wait a year. No one HAS to have another child.for any reason! It is a choice these days, thank goodness.
Her clock will tick until she is about 40+. Then it will stop.
A healthy woman can have 12-20 babies in 10+ years. I am sure you don't want to hear this line from her every time you have a spat. It could get very expensive and loud at your house.
What if you tried really hard starting today for 5-6-7-8- years and no baby was forthcoming. Would she think you didn't love her? Would you think she was unworthy of your love? How absurd.
Babies make terrible glue for shakey marriages.They cause WAY more problems than they fix. Babies deserve stable mommies and daddies, and lots of love and security in their home.And not to be born the purpose of propping up their mother's ego. Way too much for a baby to do.
WAIT. Good luck.

Answer 4

This is my personal opinion. I am a woman. Women are emotional and do think a baby is a symbol of love and devotion. I can understand where she's coming from, BUT imo she is manipulating you big time. You both have to agree to something as HUGE as this. You should cherish the time you two have together without a baby, b/c let me tell you it will change everything.

If it were me I'd explain that you are not ready and that you two need a solid foundation before thinking of such. You also make an excellent point that you are raising her child which speaks volumes of you.

If you are going to be a team both of your feelings must be considered. She should have had her intentions clear and straight w/you before saying I do ....again, that's my opinion.

If she bailed for a whole month I'd be concerned about her committment to the marriage and to you anyway. A baby is never the answer if there are problems anyway.

Best wishes to you, seriously. I feel badly for you. Take care and don't be bullied into doing something that will affect you for the rest of your life!

Answer 5

It seems in her mind that a child will bond you so tightly, you'll be together forever (she should know from previous experience it's not true), but she's not thinking rationally. She is grasping at straws to keep you together. You are right to wait, and I wouldn't give in until you feel comfortable in your relationship. It's not about just loving her. Having a child is something that should be done to bring 2 people that are already close even closer. Having a baby is a huge strain on a relationship and if you are already having problems, it may be the end of the relationship. I would try more marriage counseling. Maybe it would help her see logic.

Answer 6

Believe it or not many women push to have a kid in the middle of a tough marriage. I always assumed they figured if there was a child around there would be less time to focus on everything else because the child needs so much attention.

The truth is that have kids can be a reason to argue more. Raising children is not straight forward...there are a lot of ups and downs and things to decide. If you are not in total accord on all issues related to raising children then it'll just lead to more fighting.

You are correct with you assesment, but getting your wife to agree is not going to be easy.

Answer 7

She is just crazy. She is at her horny peak for one thing. But maybe having a kid will slow her down. All you can do is show her how much you love her every chance you get and just tell her it will not hurt to wait awhile. Because once you have a kid you will not get to do the things you would like to with her without wondering whos going to watch the kids. You need to make her wait so you can make sure that this is what she really wants and she needs to go to counseling again so they can help her make her mind up. You might want to make sure she is not on any crazy meds or depression pills. She might be thinking that the arguments will stop just because she had a baby for you and thats not true. Tough Love.

Answer 8

if she is feeling insecure about your marriage a child is the last thing you need to bring into this world,sounds as though she is forcing an issue where it shouldnt belong children are innocent and do not deserve to be played with since it was a major problem 3 mths ago then whos to say it wont be in the next three children do not have the parents ,parents have the children hoping they are stable enough to take care of them,she could possibly have had the same with the first marriage(insecurity) whatever her age maybe still doesnt mean you are adult enough to have a child she should know you love her unless you have caused a reason for her not to believe it

Answer 9

has she always been so hard to follow? Just tell her the truth, she can't be that dumb, she's trying to manipulate you, when the truth is that having a baby DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE because people have babies all the time, and it's because they couldn't keep their clothes ON. Certainly she's got more common sense than that. Although I do have to say that a child together does sometimes more effectively bind a couple together. Maybe she is feeling really insecure about your relationship, show her that there are many other ways to improve it, reassure her daily. Good Luck

Answer 10

Keep going to counselling, something is still flawed in your communication. It seems that you are still not on the same page and want different things. Make sure to work together and set time frames as to your future goals as a couple, and that includes having more kids, maybe if you start reaching some sort of compromise than you can negotiate your issues better.

Answer 11

You must realize that it would be a huge mistake to bring a child into an unstable marriage. Totally unfair to any child to expect them to help solve your problems because it won't. The problems will get worse and there'll be one more kid out there from a broken home. Do not even think about it unless your marraige is on a very secure footing - she needs to grow up and go for a lot more counselling.