Can you write an amusing paragraph or 2 or more regarding a blind date, that includes these tv quotes??

Question

1. She's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray.
2. Let's synchronize our watches. It's now... three-ish.
3. All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
4. I have two words to describe this date. IN. SANE.
5. Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.
6. Wait....... If what you're saying is true... I still don't care.

Answer 1

'Charlie' I whispered to my friend 'you have stretched our friendship to its extreme limit this time. Where did you dig her up from - the local graveyard'. 'Come on Pad' there was no trace of an apology in his voice 'she's not that bad'. 'I suppose so' I lied 'she's like a ray of sunshine. No, strike that. She's more like a death ray. Did you see the way her eyes go every so often. What in the name of all that is holy is she on'...........

Charlie and I had been best friends for over ten years and as we worked on the same shift pattern, our outdoor activities were usually well and truly aligned. We played golf together, played football on the same team, drank together and on occasion, we went on holiday together. We never argued but this time, he had gone too far.

It was he who had arranged the blind date that I found myself on and it must have been Charlie who was blind when he chose my partner. With the greatest respect, I am no oil painting myself, but this girl, although quite pretty, was as thick as two short planks. If she had any brains, they must have dropped out of her head and onto her chest. She was big in that department.

Ten minutes after we met, she began to go on about the problems on television with the Big Brother debate. That is a sample of her intelligence. As I had said to her 'All your knowledge of high culture comes from Bugs Bunny cartoons'. I will give you one guess what her reply was. Naw, you will never guess unless you watch UK television, but she said 'Is that one of the blokes who got voted out'. It was at this stage that I said to Charlie 'I have two words to describe this date. In. Sane'. All the so-and-so said was 'Well, was Bugs whoever'. I hope to God he was joking.

After a couple or three drinks, my date Jodee - a typical Essex girl name - was already half sloshed. 'You know' she muttered 'everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick'. I couldn't have cared less until she continued 'Yeah, and it's not me, it's all the blokes, it is them who keep wanting sex'. 'Nymphomaniac' I suggested. 'No' she replied ' I never pretend that I am sick'. 'Wait' I had to say it to her 'if what you're saying is true...I still don't care. Charlie, I have a bad migrane and I think I know where I got it. I'll have to make for home'.

Charlie jumped up and almost dragged me to the gents toilet. 'You can't let me down Pad' he was pleading 'my one is hot. I'm on a promise'. 'I'll tell you what Charlie' I was now quite annoyed 'why don't you have a double-header. You are welcome'. Charlie just leaned against the white tiled wall but said nothing. 'OK.' I conceded, 'let's synchronize our watches. It's now....three-ish'.

As I looked at my watch, I almost fainted. In all the confusion, I had forgotten that it was afternoon. That's what a quick change-over off night duty does for you. It throws your inner clock into a terrible confused state. 'I'll tell you what I will do Charlie' I had hatched a plan 'You slide off with your lady friend and I will tell Jodee that I am taking her to the Victoria and Albert Museum, then on to the Tate Gallery and just to rub salt into the wound, to the Modern Tate. If she agrees to go, I will give you fifty pounds, provided I can tell her as well that Big Brother is on tele at four o'clock................. Guess which she will choose'.............

Answer 2

As I was walking down the street, I saw a group of women standing in the park by my house. They seemed to be rallying or something so I went over to see what was going on. “On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say... whew!” said a loud boisterous woman in the front of the group. “I think that this is too stressful, I need to eat. Does anyone have Cottage Cheese?” said a meek woman in the back. “No, cottage cheese solves nothing. Chocolate can do it all.” said the loud woman again. The loud woman whose name was, Joanna, jumped up on a tree stump and started to whistle with her fingers to get the groups attention. “When I was married, my husband left me for a man. I started to doubt myself because you know, nothing says "I love you" like a pathetic lack of commitment. But it turn out that he was gayer than C-3PO.” “C-3PO wasn't gay, he was British!” yelled a rather large woman from the back of the crowd. “Thank you for that bulletin from the Department of the Obvious. It was just a phrase. And by the way If you're here... who's running Hell?” She laughed. “This is too much, I can’t take it anymore.” I walked away from the group and headed back to my house. I don’t know what they were doing or what they were saying but, thank god I’m not a woman. I know it's not a paragraph, but it was fun to write!