what do you wish you would have talked about with your spouse before you got married?

Question

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting engaged. We have known each other for 7 years and we have dated for the better part of 3. I have never been married before and my parents are divorced so they are very hard to talk to about marriage. I just want to know what things we should talk about before we make the final choice about marriage.

Answer 1

Money issues, career aspirations, and children.

Answer 2

Good question. I would talk about everything. Here are just a few sample questions.

Children - How many children do you both want? What religion if any will you raise them in? How you will discipline your children?

Money - Who makes the most money? How will you arrange your finances? Will you have a joint account, separate account? What do you both think about spending, investing, saving, etc? Where are you going to live (apartment/house/city/state, etc).

Goals - What are you short term and long term goals? For example: do either of you want to go back to school?

Friends and Hobbies - How much time a day/week/month are you going to dedicate to spending time with friends, family, doing your hobby, etc?

SEX..that's a very important one. Be open with what you feel comfortable doing and not doing, and what are both your expectations.

You can't change anyone and the more you both know of each other, the better it is. Don't expect everything to go your way all the time either. Marriage is a give and take. You have to give some to get some. Be willing to compromise and respect each others preferences. I would advise also seeing a pre-marital counselor. They usually cover all these questions and more. The better you are informed, the easier your decision will be. Good luck!

Answer 3

There's so many things! Some issues more important than others of course. Whether or not to have kids, if you ARE having kids then how to raise them (with religion or without), where to live and what schools you'd like them to attend, how you'll handle the family visits for the holidays (visit his family/visit your family or divide it among the 2). Money; who is going to handle it for you and pay the bills or will you share the responsibility. If you haven't yet lived together, there's so much (good and bad) you'll learn about one another during that adjustment period. Do either of you own a home or condo? Decide if you're going to sell it and buy something together or move in together into a new home. Most importantly - don't think that any subject is not important enough to discuss before marriage. Even if it's as simple as who will do the dishes and who will take out the garbage. Keeping the lines of communication open now will save surprises later and possibly arguments over stupid things. Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 4

children if both you want children or don't want them,finances ask each other what the other expects to spend on bills,or wants and agree on it now so you don't have to have problems about it,family events around the holidays,communication always,boundaries of family members such as in laws,sisters and brothers,make sure that this is what both of you really want and know that it is work its not sit back and hope for the best,promise each other you will always talk and work things out never pout and don't talk it will get you no where but walls built that are hard to take down and hurtful,make sure there will never be any physical or emotional abuse,and promise each other you will never cheat marriage is taken so lightly these days and when the going gets tough people bail or cheat thats not an option,when you say those vows it really means forever not until i can't deal with issues.The first year is the toughest but it gets better and better as time passes......i am glad to see someone who wants to talk before marriage about issues and wants to make it work good luck to you

Answer 5

Glad you asked this question as I hope that I can be of some help. I have been married and divorced twice so I hope that I have learnt from my mistakes... I have thought of this one in reflection to what went wrong in my relationships and I think that this question that you ask is very important in knowing beforehand what to expect from the other BEFORE you tie the knot. Ask questions about how you are going to raise your children , if you have any, and your expectations as to being a mother/father ie. how and why to discipline and this may be important even if you don`t have children as you will learn more about that person. Talk about your roles in the marriage and what you expect in the other. Religious beliefs are a big one. People change through the course of their lives so leave room for that . talk about your love for each other openly . How are you going to commit to each other 50/50 or 110/110% this is important and hopefully 110% is answered as hopefully this tells you that he/she will put you first in everything and I think that this is key in a marriage as we live in a self centered society ( no wonder there is so much divorce). Talk about your dreams and your goals in life and be very transparent and honest to each other. I hope that you are past the so called honeymoon period and you can think clearly because believe me , you don`t want to go through a divorce and if you can cover things beforehand , it makes things clearer but like I said , people change and it is your commitment to the other and true love for the other that makes it worthwhile. I hope that others will offer you insight as well . Hope this helps you.
Take care and good luck.

Answer 6

Notwithstanding the fact that you have known each other for a long time and have dated for 3 years and you feel you know each other like a book, here are the things you both need to know to make your future marriage as successful as possible.

How many children do you both want and are you willing to compromise if it is not the same?

How different is your sex-drive and are you both willing to adjust to your particular idiosyncrasies?

Do you both profess the same religion; if not are either of you willing to convert?

Do you basically have the same taste in food and are you willing to experiment and try new things?

Are both of your debt free or relatively safe from having to suffer economically?

The things I have mentioned are usually the last things people think about before marriage but they are extremely important if you want to have a good long term relationship.

Good luck and have a wonderful life!

Answer 7

Well, I wish me and my husband were more real with each other about our feelings before we got married. We were trying to impress each other for 3 years and then when we got married I feel like we're just getting to know each other for the first time. Just be very open and honest with your fiance before you get married. You'll learn a lot of things about each other that way. GOOD LUCk. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 8

My husband and I were given a wonderful gift from my Grandma when we became engaged. It's a book called "Before You Say I Do". Everything that should be discussed before marriage is in that book. My husband and I read a chapter together every night (okay, I read it to him) and then discussed our opinions and feelings on the matter. Our marriage is wonderful, we do have arguments every now and again but they are generally petty, small things. I highly recommend getting this book..

Answer 9

There are several subject that MUST be talked about BEFORE you get married:
1. Do you both feel 'the same way' about wanting children or not?
2. Finances: who is 'responsible' for what if you want to keep your money separate, or whether you want to just 'throw it all into one pot' and both use from that pot as needed?
3. The MEANING of 'loving' someone ... that is EVERYTHING from sex to friendship to 'other people' who might come into your lives. This also should cover 'infidelity' ... what each of you means by that term, and what you think you'd do if you were the 'unfaithful' one, and if your partner was the 'unfaithful' one ... and that INCLUDES 'pornography' use, either alone or together.

Answer 10

I feel we talked about everything properly but here are some thoughts: Finances (who handles the bill paying), individual goals, kids, how many kids, buying a house, where do you want to live, do you want to continue working once children are in the picture?. The first year is probably the hardest, then things get much better. Enjoy things and pick your battles, you'll be fine. Good lucl!

Answer 11

Marriage is a big decision and some things I wish I had talked about before marriage are kids, end of life choices (dnr, advanced life support), closeness of family, living locations, job choices.