What should I do? I am at a loss?

Question

My daughter is 7... she has visited the principal 3 times since school has started and she has had in-school suspension. She is a compulsive liar and she compulsivly steals from classmates, teachers, stores, and money from me.... it is like if she wants it, she just takes it. I have contacted the behavioral health clinic here but i dont want to send her away from me to live to overcome this.. i know i dont always handle things the right way ( i had her when i was fairly young and i am fairly inexperianced) her dad and i split up 3 years ago and she has not had any contact with him since, he is also a compulsive liar is this a heriditary thing? I am totally at a loss.... i believe she has ADD as do her teachers, would ADD make her compulsive like this? PLEASE HELP

I want to add that the reason she would go away to counseling is the behavioral clinic is an inpatient clinic. I would also like to add that I am engaged to a guy that loves her like she was his own and she loves him to, so she has a stable family life.

Answer 1

diagnooses online are not helpful.... and diagnoses in real time are not really anything more than a handy label....

instead of trying to name what is wrong with your daughter deal with her behaviour instead... when she steals take her by the hand with whatever it is she has stolen and make her return it... NEVER let her keep anything she has stolen under any circumstances....

being young when she was born has little to do with her behaviour.... and as for inexperienced... everyone is inexperienced as a parent until they become one... so dont worry about taking or placing blame on anyone... just focus on the behaviours and deal with them...

if her school has a school canteen inform canteen staff your daughter may not purchase anything from the canteen at all... if she is to have a lunch from the canteen or even a treat you will put in an order...

my son had severe behvaioural problems and we lived in as a family at a centre in sydney which helped beyond belief.... if you live in the Aus in the sydney area do click on my name to the left of here and send me a message and I will tell you where the centre is....

reward positive behaviours and give her time out for negative behaiovurs....

start with one beaviour that needs to change... say lying...

every time she lies she gets seven minutes time out... (one minute for each year of her age) it doesnt seem a lot but it is an eternity to a kid... the time out time does not start until she is seated calmly and quietly on her time out chair and if she gets up, talks cries or carries on then the time out starts again... (be prepared for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy long seven minutes the first few times...

after she gets off the chair you and her need to have a talk about truth and lying... you can explain to a seven year old how sometimes people lie because it is easier... sometimes people lie because they dont know what else to do... or becaus they sometimes are scared or sometimes because they want to feel good about themself.... ask her which kind of lying she is doing... let her decide...and if she says she lies because she doesnt know what else to do then you can talk to her about other strategies.... other things she can say or do instead of lying... if she says it is because she is scared then talk to her about some other things she can do when she is afraid... if she says it is to make herself feel good about herself then talk to her about things that are really good about herself...

in this way you are letting her know that lying is NOT acceptable.. and that there are other ways of dealing with problems...

Once lying is under control, well pretty much then use the time out chair for stealing and lying.... and explain to her that she is really good about telling the truth now so you know she will be able to manage her stealing behaviour too...

Right through this process reassure her that SHE can manage her own behaviour... reassure her that she is doing a good job at changing her OWN behaviours.....

this is not about you making her do anything... time out is a chance for her to stop and think about how she can change her own behaviour... it is an empowering process for her....

instead of being a little kid that life just happens too..... and she reposnds to on the spur of the moment... she is learning to take charge... learning to manage what can be managed... her own behaviour...

Oh and smacking and yelling really wont help much at all... keep your voice at a monotone... dont raise it one little bit and be very matter of fact about time out... be patient with her and with yourself... simply be very matter of fact about the time out and about how well she is doing... if she goes a whole day without needing time out you can tuck her into bed at night and give her the reward most kids starve for..... a big hug and kiss and the words.... "I am sooo proud of you... You succeeded today...See you are growing up into a great person!"

best of luck...

Answer 2

They won't take your child away from you if you are trying to get her help, it's when you don't try to help the child, that's where you'll run into problems. Most children lie compulsively when they want attention and steal when they feel they don't have the same things as ther peers, (classmates). You know it has to stop and you sound like a good mother very concerned for her child. You need to talk to her about the lying and stealing, if you find she has something that is not hers let her know it's wrong and your taking it to the teacher so the teacher can give it back to the rightful owner. Also there are so many places that you can find to get your child help many non profit groups and places where you can find a child psychologist to get to the root of her problems. Get on the net and search your are for help for her and yourself because this must be causing you alot of pain for her and yourself. ADD is a catch all have her diagnosed by a Dr not a teacher. In the meantime give her lots of attention colour with her, read her stories and really listen to her she may be trying to tell you where the problems are originating. Do the best you can for her and get her the help. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Answer 3

These are the books the agency asked us to read: Being Adopted, The Lifelong Search for Self Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother The Open Adoption Experience What Kind of Love, The Diary of a Pregnant Teenager Perspectives on a Grafted Tree How it Feels to be Adopted Talking with Young Children About Adoption Adoption Stories for Young Children Adoption is for Always As PAPs, we were asked to join a local adoption group where adopted teenagers talked about their experiences. Classes and seminars were strongly focused on open adoptions and the benefits for all parties. There were group sessions lead by a social worker that had us role play talking with the natural family post-adoption. Several of the seminars addressed special needs infants, specifically FAS and drug exposure. Our ability to maintain openness was analyzed repeatedly until the agency became convinced we were committed. The loss of the child to the natural family and vice versa was a frequent subject and empathy for the birth family was stressed. Your last question is interesting because my husband and I talked about this. What did they not cover? Probably a thousand things, But what did we realize we didn't learn? How to care for a baby. About that, we were almost clueless.

Answer 4

Your town is likely to have a community mental health clinic that provides services in your home for your situation. Look in the phone book or talk to your doctor to find their phone number. Ask to talk to someone about their Family Therapy services for children.

I don't understand why you think she would be taken away from you, as the goal is usually to keep a person in their home.

Answer 5

In all seriousness, look into borderline personality disorder. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6, trichotillomania at age 9 and borderline personality disorder at age 15. You can look it up online or in the library and see if the symptoms fit, then have her seen by a psychiatrist or psychologist - the sooner the better.

Answer 6

You need to understand her temperament. This will give you insight into her disorder. There are many resources about psychological temperament. The book "Please Understand Me II", by David Keirsey is not a bad start.
www.keirsey.com

Also read his article:

Abuse it -- Lose it
Logical Consequences for Teaching Self-Control to Mischievous Children
http://keirsey.com/abuselose.html

Answer 7

Take her out let her experience things. Also tell her that you don't have to steal from anyone. and make her feel like she's welcomed.

Answer 8

I don't think it's a mental health thing... she might be just trying to see how far she can get away with things. Or it might be attention-seeking.