what can u do if you feel you have a codependant relashionship with your mum?

Question

im 29,& i rely on her heavy for constant affirmation & reassurance,& if i fall out with here or she doesnt give me these things my moods always plummet, is it more of a dependancy thing?. i struggle with psychological problems & have done for 15 years, i used to explode with inner rage that was a big problem, but thats improved alot. i have very low self esteem. im tormented with racing thoughts all the time. my moods are constantly bleak & low. i live in a smalll flat by myself. i dont have any friends except my mum, and i have the constant feeling my life is just drifting & going nowhere...i cant work yet because of my problems, plus ive never worked, because of the long standing problems ive had. my mum comes to visit me at my flat,& cleans up for me & cooks me meals and gets my shopping, but i feel guilty, because i wonder if this is doing me any good....plus i ring her about 5 times a day telling her my worries& seeking reassurance that im going to be ok, that ill pull through

these terrible times..

without my mum i seem to feel lost and this worries me because im an adult now. most guys my age have a house and a morgage and lovers, all the things i would like

plus iam a very lonely person because of my circumstances, i cant even talk to girls on the net i have such low self esteem, only thing i look forward to is phoneing my mum later for some comfort and reassurance

Answer 1

i think you need to see a psychologist. they can help you with your codependent, self esteem and depression issues. you may also need to see a psychiatrist to give you some meds for depression and the racing thoughs and inner rage.
It's no shame to get help for this stuff. It will make you become a more independent person and maybe you will eventually be ready to work. good luck to you.

Answer 2

You need God in your life..... Pray is more powerful then you think. Maybe if you joined a church it would help you with inner problems and help you make friends. Or join some kind of group therapy where you can relate with people like you and again make friends. Having a healthy social group you can talk to plus being right with the big guy will help you feel so much better. Plus look at the bright side: you have your own flat and your mom loves you, just try not using her as a crutch anymore.... also if you did weekly exercises it would prob help you with you self esteem. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

It sounds like there are some things that you would like to change. If you put a plan in place to change things, would doing this change the way that you feel about yourself? Who, other than your mother, could assist you in making the changes that you want?
My advice is to seek out a therapist, counselor, job coach, minister or any other person who can help you to set some goals for yourself to get you out of this bleak world that you are living in.

As much as I'm not going to get picked as the best answer here....the message is you need to do some things for yourself and start to feel good about accomplishing them, this is the only way to become your own person (and get the life that you want).

Answer 4

If you tried to cut the apron strings would she let you?
It takes two people to form a codependant relationship.
In any case, you really have to find a job, not rely on anyone for support (except your doctors), possibly change to a more effective medication, and find love out there somewhere in this cold lonely world.
And don't start chasing older women, that's too predictable.

Answer 5

My personal experience seem totally different from you. Since young, my parents has divorced. I grown by my grandmother. I need to plan everything for myself including my timetable, my daily life stuff and also my school fees. I earn my own money since my secondary school period. These money i earned will use to pay my own school fees and my daily packet money.

For your case, i think you are really good because you are conscious of your problems and you know what causes you nowadays. You said you are overly dependence on your mother and you feel unsafe without her. I think in our life cycle, everyone must learn to be interdependent. i would not say independent because no one can be independent and living without helping of others. At the beginning, you need to learn how to take care of your certain tiny stuff such as cleaning your room, cooking your foods etc. But t the same time you also can rely on your mother for other more difficult task. Gradually, you need to handle and face more your personal things in life.

In my opinion, your problems not because you cannot solve your problem your own, but because you have habituated to rely on your mother to solve our problems. So now, i think you need to gradually learn how to take care of yourself. Sorry to say that what if your mother pass away one day, who will you rely on?

Let face this problems. It is for your own good.

Answer 6

Get a job.