Here is the deal I have been married for almost 3 years, and have been with my husband for almost 5 years. He never helps me around the house, we have a 7 month old son. I feel like I don't really trust him anymore and I don't know why. He has lied to me in the past several time. Even though he swears he has never lied to me more than what I think he has. I am a stay at home parent, and I am so lonely. He doesn't seem to understand the way I feel. A part of me wants to have someone new to spend time with and a part of me doesn't. Anyone in this situation? I want my husband, but its like he puts his work buddies needs before mine!
2007-01-19 02:04:44 · 18 answers · asked by Amanda A 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds to me like a little communication work would help. I've been married 11 yrs with 3 kids. I can give you a couple of hints from your story about what works and what doesn't work.
"You never help around the house" does not work.
"Honey, can you put the baby down while I clean the kitchen?" or "Could you put a load of laundry in while I change the baby?" works. Works well.
"You never spend time with me." or "You're always with your buddies." does not work.
"I hired a baby sitter and made dinner reservations." or "Would you like me to get a sitter so we can go to a movie?" or "It would be so romantic if you'd plan a weekend away for us at (romantic spot)" works.
If the baby is the first and he's 7 months, I'm betting you haven't been on a date with your husband since before the baby.
Also, have you talked to your doctor about post pardum depression? It can effect a mother, which in turn can seriously effect a father.
Is the baby sleeping through the night? My oldest and youngest slept through the night in less than 10 weeks. My middle son took 13 months and sleep deprevation nearly wrecked our marriage.
2007-01-19 02:16:21 · answer #1 · answered by penhead72 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes men just don't get it. It's not their fault, they do not understand how our minds or hormones work. Have you considered joining a play group with your son? You can meet other stay at home moms and your son could interact with other children? How you are feeling is normal. Your body doesn't immediately go back to normal after childbirth, you still have plenty of hormones causing chaos. Do you really distrust your husband or are you scared because your relationship has changed since the baby? After you have children your relationship changes, but that isn't always bad. You have to learn how to adjust to make it work as well as it did before. Get a babysitter and plan a date night for just the two of you. Also, men do not get it when you give hints of how you feel. You have to tell him out right exactly how you feel and what you want from him. Sometimes he probably doesn't even know he's upsetting you. Try using "I feel..." or "I need..."
instead of starting with "You..." that won't sound as though you are attacking him. You can also let him know that doing the dishes or other help around the house is more romantic now than flowers. Good luck.
2007-01-19 10:43:45 · answer #2 · answered by QT 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Was your day to day life the same when you were dating, the same when you were first married, and the same after the baby was born.
When he is home do you spend time with him, or do you pass over the child so you cn do something you want to do or need to do. Are these chores the ones he will not do? Maybe he is feeling ignored (he gets home and wants to be intimate with you right then, but there are jobs you want done, then once the jobs are done
If a man is not getting at home what he wants he will go find it.
I'd say that you find a way to keep his interest at home (I don't mean what you find interesting, but what he finds interesting).
The times he does come home to you do you make sure he knows he is welcome, that you show your interest in him.
I bet he has left to find people that are interested in him and not just for house cleaning.
A woman does not attract a man into her life by inviting him over and then trying to get him to do house work. The house is spotless and his attention is directed toward her. They play and laugh, carry on. Why change that once you have married or gotten into a commited relationship? So now the man comes home to a crying baby, dirty house and a partner that is nagging that he never does anything. IT's almost like having dated one person and then living with another.
2007-01-19 10:27:36 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to get out and begin creating a life for yourself. You sit at home and imagine your husband is out doing all sorts of lurid things... it's not beacause you don't trust him... it's because you envy him. You are not the first woman to discover that being a homemaker is not exactly the most fulfilling or rewarding career choice... it's thankless almost "behind the scenes" work, and at the end of the day... all you can show for it is a smiling husband (who you think is taking advantage of you) a well adjusted kid, and a clean house. Your self esteem needs more... your husband can't give that to you... you need to get out and find it for yourself. The most successful enterpreneurs turned there hobbies into money making propositions with just the sheer enthusiasm of doing what they love... the money is secondary...
Look at volunteer work... look at correspondence courses... Stop creating anxiety... your husband is spending more and more time away with his buds... because that's preferable to having to become your entertainment committee, and avoiding conflicts with you because of your anxiety. I'm sure he wants to be with you too... and maybe after 5 years your beginning to take each other for granted... do you dress up for him? do you dress up for yourself? Is he making an effort? are you making an effort? This isn't just your problem.. it's both of you... relationships... are hard work... if you stop working on them... then they stop working for you. Make a plan...set some goals... It's not up to Hubby to make your life "perfect" that's your job... his job is to support you and be your cheerleader... just like it's your job to support him and be his cheerleader...Don't resent him... and remind him of his job when YOU do start achieving your goals... You have been letting your life happen... take the controls and steer it in the direction you want it to go.
2007-01-19 10:28:23 · answer #4 · answered by alex b 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest getting out and making your own friends first. I met one of my very best friends at the gym. That shows you that you can meet people anywhere. Second, you need to discuss this with him. Tell him exactly what you are feeling. I would strongly suggest that you do not find "someone new" to spend time with. Finding an alternative man is not the answer to this question. You probably need female friends, and your husband's attention when he is home. Good luck to you.
2007-01-19 10:13:42 · answer #5 · answered by BeezKneez 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you need to find your own interests and friends. As you're a stay at home mom with a 7month old, how about finding other moms in your area or joining a play group. Your son may enjoy the interaction of other kids and you'll have an opportunity to have some adult interaction. Stop putting all your focus into your hubby. If you do you'll find yourself sorely disappointed.
2007-01-19 10:14:15 · answer #6 · answered by married2004 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
well u need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him, tell him how his actions is affecting you and the marriage.
get a baby sitter and see if you all can spend some alone time together, but he isnt in to that then you will know that he is doing something he shouldnt be doing...if u really want to find out u may have to start monitoring his phone, talk to his friends, hire a pi...suggest he go to counciling with u either professionial or church...sounds to me like u already know what answers u are going to find...its just how long are u going to put up with it?
2007-01-19 10:13:00 · answer #7 · answered by luvutaz1 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hi i know exactly how you feel, my husband is the same!!
we have been together 7 years but have only been married for nearly 3, we dont have any children!!
my husband wants me to stay at home and care for our 2 dogs and be House wife, i have done this for 2 years now and am so bored!!
he has an excellent social life he goes to work party's which i am not invited to.he is out with his friends while i am sat at home wwaiting for him to come home, he has his tea ready for him, he never lifts finger in the house in two years he has never washed up!! when he is in the bath he calls me up to wash his hair!!
i have had enough of this i have even told him i am not happy and he didn't listen or care!!
so now i am leaving him i know i deserve better i am getting anew flat and a job he doesn't even know i am doing this, i cant wait to see his face when he finds out i have gone!
i think you should do the same teach him a lesson. life's too short to spend it skivvying around our husbands!
2007-01-19 10:17:36 · answer #8 · answered by soinlove 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
You need to talk with your husband and be honest with him about how you are feeling and offer to go to see a marriage counselor with him. You also need to make some new girlfriends to talk with and do things with since he is not around much. Take up a fun hobby.
2007-01-19 10:25:44 · answer #9 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to communicate this to him. A lot of women think that guys can just read minds, I thought mine did, until one day I realized he couldn't and needed me to let him know when I felt that way. We had a good discussion and he began to help a lot more. It takes communication. 90% of the time that's what can end a marriage, lack of communication...that and lack of commitment.
2007-01-19 10:37:08 · answer #10 · answered by d4cav_dragoons_wife84 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋