This is my personal statement for applying to college/work do you think its a load of rubbish or good?

Question

ALTHOUGH I HAVENT FINISHED IT YET I WOULD LIKE OTHERS OPINIONS AND ADVICE:

Personal statement

My name is Karen Barker and I’m a year 11 student at Putteridge high school and I’ am currently studying for my GCSE’S. I ‘am hoping to achieve better GCSE grades than my estimated ones. I ‘am hoping to do something involving animals when I leave and go into work/college. I really enjoy caring for animals and would love to learn how to care for them properly .Although I have never done any work experience with animals I feel that I still know a lot about animals.

Character and personal qualities:

I adore animals and enjoy caring for them. I have looked after a number of animals for my friends/family and would enjoy studying all different animals.

Hobbies and interests: These are a few of my hobbies and interests:

*Caring for animals
*dancing
*singing

My aims and ambitions:

My aims and ambitions are to:

*Run a small business involving animal’s e.g. a pet shop.

Answer 1

I'm not sure what the standards are where you are from, but generally I was taught to spell everything out (i.e. GCSE) the first time with the initials afterwards, then you can use the initials the next time it is referred to.

Under aims and ambitions you have one item. "Aims" and "Ambitions" are plural... either add another item or just say "My Ambition".

Do they have access to your estimated GCSE? If not, I wouldn't mention that they aren't so great. Especially if you plan to retake them.

"Hobbies and interests: These are a few of my hobbies and interests" - this is redundant.

You've got a good start from what I can see.

Answer 2

Dear Karen,
I second the advice from others, also: you have a clear ambition which is a good start. I think that you need to make the whole statement a bit more positive. I would not mention that you are hoping to increase your marks over estimated ones, maybe just mention you are studying hard to achieve best marks possible. I would get rid of the line about not having work experience with animals, because it sounds like you do. It may not be paid work experience, but it is still experience. Try to find a better line that "I am hoping to", how about "My ambition is" or "My goal is"
Good Luck!

Answer 3

First of all, quickly change this question, there is no need for the whole world to know your full name and school! QUICK!!

Apart from that I would change the "Year 11" bit, in my day we didn't have that, we had year 5. Maybe call it "my final year" or say that you are 16.

What is with the apostrophe after I and before am, did you have I'm and then corrected it, but left the ' there? You need to fix that.

What do you intend to do Work or college?? I think that if this is your last year, you should know if you intend to do 6th Form, go to college or look for a job. I don't think you can present a good image of yourself, if you are still wooley on this, at least state why you don't have fixed plans, if there is a reason.

Also "do something involving animals" shows me, that you haven't thought about this, what do you want to do? Think about it, you're 16. At this age, I had a college course lined up. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I did have some plans about the direction. I knew it would be in Digital electronics. Do you want to work in a zoo? On a farm? in a pet shop? You should now know what would be the best route to getting started, be it volunteering at the nearest Zoo, a college course in Animal husbandry or something else, and so from this, all I get is that you haven't really given it any thought, yet your writing does show intelligence, you are failing to show any positive actions. Show to me that you are a smart young woman with a brain in her head, who can resolve issues. Most jobs with animals will require top notch problem solving abilities. This animal keeps escaping from it's pen, how do we stop it? You have to show that you are a person who can say "Right...A, B and then C" But what is coming across is that you are about to finish school, without any real idea of what you want to do, but you like animals, so you'll "try your hand" at that, how hard can it be?

So if you are serious about this career, you'll have to re-write this to prove that you really mean that, and it's not just the case of "it's this or working in a shop"

Answer 4

Like one other person said, avoid putting your personal info (school, age, name) on this page in the future. There are a lot of sick people out here with bad intentions. Be careful.

*Run a small business involving animals - there was a typo. Animals is a plural and there shouldn't be a ' sign before s.

I wouldn't put caring for animals as your hobby because you are aiming for it to be your profession; putting it as a hobby make your statement sound repetitive

Although you honestly say that you havend done much with animals in the past this is not what you should emphasize because it is not at all informative. Insted, you should say why do you want to have this kind of job. Maybe say what your personal qualities (kindeness, sence of connection with nature) make you think why is this career path is good for you.

Maybe for the future try picturing yourself in one of the animal-related jobs, and try to find out as much as you can about it. Would you like to be a veterinarian? Small animals of for large animals? What about marine animals? Would you like to be a caretaker, researcher, trainer, or an office assistant fillingout the papers about animals?
Honestly, it sounds like you find animals cute but have no idea what are you talking about.

I really liked the sentence about you want to achieve higher grades than your estimated ones.

Answer 5

Although I have never done any work experience with animals I feel that I still know a lot about animals.
-- add a comma after animals
---don't use the word a lot
--don't use the word enjoy 3 times
--don't say that you really enjoy caring for animals 4 times.
--don't say "these are a few of m hobbies and intresets" just list them.

Answer 6

seem ok maybe say more on your aims and ambitions why you want to achive them and how you are going to do so

Answer 7

ok darling

Answer 8

wicked :>