what would you do?? Can any one please help I am at my whit’s end?

Question

My daughter is 22 and over the year we have had turbulent relationship but my husband and I have done our best for her. We have tried to support in everything she has chosen to do. Last year she meat a man slightly older then herself and appeared to calm down. They have moved in together and have been very happy. She asked my husband and I if she could have some mail sent to our address because she want to change her bank and formal identification is our address; we said yes. Last month a letter came that was a demand for money we ask if she had the money and she said it was a mistake and she had paid it. However, it turns out she £14,000 in debt and has been applying for loans, credit cards etc from my address. Last week she was taken to court, for non-payment and we have had a letter saying the bailiffs are coming to our house. My husband and I have some money saved for our retirement and thinks weshould bail her out. I think she should pay it back.

Answer 1

hi,
i was in the same boat with our daughter we bailed her 3 (YES 3 times) to the degree i remortgage our house. each time she paid us back and did it again. As much as you love her she need to learn to pay for her mistakes.

when our daughter did it for the 4th time i refused to help her with money BUT what i did was i went through her bills contact the CCCs (Consumer Credit Counselling Service). its a FREE service which helps people with their debts.
DO NOT GO TO THE ONES ON TV THAT CHARGE. THE CHARGE CAN BE UP TO 40%.

i opened a bank account which she paid her wage in and gave her a weekly allowance. further more we looked at way of cutting cost of living... such as energy suppliers, mobile phone cost etc etc.

i know its hard and i have lost a of sleepless nights over this but i know i should have taken this course of action at the first it would have done her good. she thank me as as agree this has done good in the long run and we have a good relationship now.

you can write to the court, credit scoring people tell them your daughter does not live with you this should help with youy creit file.

i wish you all the look in the world and if you need to chat email me.

Answer 2

DO NOT PAY THIS. If a bailiff come co the door, ask for the debt " TO TO BE SET ASIDE"This is simple write to the court, explaining she is no longer linked with your address and please remove the details from there listings. that will save your address from Blacklisting! Next you need to sit down with your daughter sympathetically, an tell her you are aware she is in a mess, but your here to support her, she need to contact all the creditor stating she is having financial dificulties and can only make reduced payments, and request that all interest if frozen,. They are obliged by law to freeze the interest and charges on the account. offer a payment even if its just £5 or´£10 per creditor. the will accept it. There are companies who do this that advertise DO NOT USE THEM, the take a commission to do the same as I have requested you to do. Please be compassionate with your daughter, these companies make it so easy to get i debt. DO not use your saving!! the balance will be written off in 8years by the credit company anyhow!

Answer 3

You have to weigh whether or not you think this is a one time thing. You don't want to get into the habit of bailing her out of all her trouble. I know as a parent you want to help your child. But are you really helping if you do it for her.

Money can break up a family. If you give it to her make her sign a promissory note to pay you back. Make it very specific as to when she will make payments and how long she has to pay it back.

She has to take responsibility for the situation she has put her self in. If she doesn't pay it back as agreed then file the court papers.

Dipping into retirement is never a good idea. Think about the long run. you have to make sure you are going to be financially okay when it is time for you to retire. With the way the world is you have to make your own security.

If your daughter is old enough to put HERSELF in these types of situations then she has to get her self out.

You can love her and help her by letting her take car of the situation. Let her come to you and ask for help. It is the only way she will learn.

Answer 4

Yes.

She must pay this off and accept the consequences of her actions.

Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau fo advice and help.

Do not fall into the trap of paying-off for her - she's a 'GROWN UP' and has to learn to deal with real life.

The Court will most likely enforce a monthly payment schedule - although in effect she lied about where she lived to get the accounts, so this may be seen as more serious.

They should not be able to take any possessions from your home for her debts UNLESS you have aggreed to stand as a guarantor for her in any of the loans or financial dealings she has had.

Answer 5

I would do anything for my daughter too, but she has to accept responsibility for her actions. You are right to think she should pay it back but getting her to understand the concept might be easier said than done. She may say that she'll pay it back but then in 2 months stop. At some or other point you have to decide if it is not worth letting her feel the consequences of her actions which may teach her a valuable lesson for the future.

Answer 6

Well i think you're mad i wouldnt bail her out absoloutley noway. she is an adult and she lives with an even older person than herself. she knew taking out those loans what the consequences would be if she failed to meet the payments. if you bail her out now you can be sure 1 you wont get your money back and 2 she'll do it again and why wouldnt she if she has parents that would bail an adult out of that kind of situation. she needs to learn responsibility for her actions shes not 5 anymore. if the baliffs call tell them she doesn't live there anymore and give them her new address. she made her bed let her lie in it.

Answer 7

You need legal advice very quickly so you dont lose your possessions and then you need to sit back and think through what your daughter has done. She knew this would happen or else why use your address? I know you must love her - I have children myself - but there sre some things which are just unacceptable and this is one of them. Really think about what she has done - and get angry! Good Luck. Speak to Citizens Advice Bureau or a solicitor asap.

Answer 8

DO NOT BAIL HER OUT. DO NOT DO IT. or you will be going around this merry go round for the rest of your life. if you do bail her out of this financial situation then that will give her more of a reason to keep doing it. if you want to protect your retirement then you need to hire an attorney in order to protect your assests legally cause she has the potential to clean you out. while i undestand that she is your daughter and you are family. that doesn't mean that you have to be friends nor does it mean that you have to be treated like dirt. what you need to do is to hire an attorney...then contact all of these 'letters' and make sure that they send their letters to the correct address (meaning hers). don't ever ever EVER let her use your address again. she is using you for everything you have. she will have to learn her lesson the hard way (even if it means going to jail) in order for her to understand that she cannot use you or your credit like that ever again. she could be stealing your identity and you not know it. run your credit and check it just in case. she is responsible for her credit and for her debt. she needs to learn how to handle money responsibly.

Answer 9

It's down to her - the debt is in her name - the address is irrelevant - bailiffs cannot touch your belongings!

If you pay it off for her now -she will do it again and you will end up in a never ending spiral and put yourself and your home at risk!

I will bet a penny to a pound that this man has put her up to it and I'll also bet that there is nothing in his name!

She has to learn the hard way I'm afraid!

Answer 10

It's very sad, but she will have to dig herself out of this one. If you take your retirement money, realize she can get in debt again and need money again. Let her deal with the "hard knocks" of the situation. Sometimes life is the best teacher.