Wife wants more kids…I’m on the fence about it?

Question

My wife and I married a year ago. She’s 29 and I’m 38. I’ve got 2 kids from a previous marriage and she’s got 1 from a previous relationship. We pay out a ton of money in child support for my kids but get none in from her daughter’s father. She says she wants another kid with just me to have something together. I want a child with her as well just to have a product of our love (which I’ve never been more in love with someone in my life) between us but I’ve been burned in my first marriage and if we have another one we’ll be poor as dirt. She says that doesn’t bother her but she wants one with just me and feels like my ex. wife got the best of me, and that I’d have a child with my ex. but not her and because of that it makes her feel crappy. Also because of my ex. I’m afraid to have another one. I know if marriages go south, I’m on the hook for all kinds of money with another kid and my job isn’t the best right now. She says she’s not my ex. but something in the back of my head keeps coming up with questions like “can this woman handle being poor with another one” and “is she just telling me what I want to hear just to have another child”. Sometimes I don’t understand why she just can’t be happy with the ones we got. Other times I do want a kid but from a man’s point of view, women sometimes want kids then they need the best for them and she says she doesn’t mind being poor but I doubt that when the kid needs dance lessons later on or something and I say “welcome to being poor. We can’t do it”. Then I’m afraid what most women do is say “OK well then I’ll find someone else to give my kid the best”. Am I being unreasonable or overly cautious? All I really want is to spend time with her sometimes without kids.

Answer 1

So I'm guessing you don't have custody of your kids? It sounds kind of like your wife is jealous that you have kids with your ex, but not with her. You know, my mom is only a little older than you and I'm 20...do you really want another child this late in life? Perhaps you and your wife should go to couple's counseling to learn how to appreciate what you have together instead of trying to get more and more when it will hurt you in the long run (mostly for her, you're just there for support). My main reasoning for this is that she wants this baby for the wrong reasons and you don't seem to really want it at all. That's no way to bring a child into the world.

Answer 2

Wow, I am just amazed that the two of you got married without discussing something as important as having children. This is why so many marriages fail; couples don't discuss the important issues until after the marriage.

If she wants a child with you, you should be flattered. My sister has 2 children from a previous marriage, and her husband has the same. They also have 2 children together now, and they are very happy. Their situation was similar to yours: He paid lots of child support, but they got nothing from my sister's ex even though those 2 children live solely with my sister and her husband.

Just recently, her ex actually relinquished all parental rights, so my sister's husband adopted the kids.

My point is that none of this was "easy" for my sister's marriage, but they stuck together and made decisions with compromise. You should be willing to do the same, but it doesn't sound like you are. You should do your wife a favor and divorce her so she can have more children with someone who really loves her and wants children with her.

Answer 3

I think you are being overly cautious and kind of selfish . She wants your child ,how is that a bad thing ? I think you are using some rather poor excuses at best . Yes she is right she is not your ex wife . All women are different . give it a try if things turn south then you tried your best . Also why does she not get a job and help with the finances ? Have you posed this question to her ? I dont understand your reasoning . Maybe she is not happy because you all dont have any kids together . From a woman's point of view I can understand that . I hope i helped.

Answer 4

This is a tough one, I can see both sides of the story, suggest to her that you both wait another year and then you'll both sit down, or even go away for a nice weekend by yourselves if you can, and talk about it seriously then she may not like this idea but it gives you both a real chance to sort out some financial brain storming and help deal with the back baggage issues.
What I can tell you is if you lived here you'd probably get a government baby bonus of AU$3000.oo think you have to be naturalised though not entirely sure on that.

Answer 5

first of all...regardless of who made this child...children are expensive. and the expenses go up as the child grows older. if you want to be poor as dirt then go ahead and have another child. you and your wife will be struggling to make ends meet and will probably be working way past retirement age. but if you want to be smart about this...don't have another one. just do yourselves a favor and one of you get snipped. either you (vascetomy) or she (tubal ligation or essure) to make sure that any more unwanted financial accidents don't happen. the reason why i am emphasizing financies in this is because that will be the one thing that will be impacted the most...your finances...not your love. and most people fight over money. so why bother? and why is she so concerned about who made these children? nobody cares about that. well...i really can't say that for sure since i am childfree. but why put so much thought and worry into who made these children? why not work with what you have? children don't care so much about who made them. they are born knowing who their parents are. it's the adults that places value on such unimportant things as 'who made this child.' i do give you kudos for at least putting thought into this and thinking about what it will cost you...financially at least. kudos to you. most people don't stop to think and it is only after it's too late that they realize that it will be much more work than they realized it would be. you can't return children and you can't put them back where they came from. once you have them you have them for life.

Answer 6

Ok. With 3 kids already, I dont think its all to wise to have another one till your financial situation is better. Tell her that. Tell her you DONT want another one till finances are better... I mean what can she say to that? I completely agree with you tho, I honestly think she might just be saying those things to get you to have another one.

I think you are doing the right thing... Personally, If I was a guy, Id go and get a vasectomy on one of those days you decide no more children. Seriously, because she could "accidentally" get pregnant and you'll be screwed.

Answer 7

I wouldn't do it if i were you. As you know children are expensive, and your marriage is still pretty new Since you both have had previous relationships that didn't work out, at the very least, wait and make sure your marriage is as solid as a rock, perhaps rethinking the situation in a year.

Answer 8

You are on a slippery slope. New wife will use the argument of the first wife as evidence of your lack of love.

Marriage counseling should be sought in the near future or the arguments will build a resentment that will destroy the reasons you married in the first place.

Answer 9

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re being logical and practical.

Her argument that ‘your ex. wife got the best of you’ is (in my opinion) complete bull, and personally I’d be slightly offended by that statement, because she’s implying that what’s left now is not the best.

I do agree with Mabe that she sounds jealous that you have children with your ex.

Frankly, it sounds to me like your wife needs to develop a more mature attitude about this entire subject.

Answer 10

This is totally up to you and your wife... Maybe you could meet her half way on this one and like have one with her or something. Have you ever thought of foster care or having her babysit to maybe compensate for having another of your own... Talk with her and be honest with her about how you feel. I do feel that you should have a child together. Why is her daughters father not paying child support?