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I have had a really bad day and now when I awnser I'm taking it out on you guys. Does anyone know of any jokes to cheer me up?? Thanks

2007-01-18 18:27:08 · 19 answers · asked by ? 4 in Entertainment & Music Polls & Surveys

19 answers

Two muffins are in an oven.

The first muffin says "Whew! It's sure hot in here."

And the second one goes "My God! A talking muffin!"

2007-01-18 18:31:19 · answer #1 · answered by Mickey Mouse Spears 7 · 1 1

Are you aware of the fact that the better the joke may be, the more likely you are to have already heard it? So I will give you a bad joke instead.

A man went into see a Doctor, and as the man raised his arm into the air he said to the Doctor, "It really hurts when I raise my arm into the air like this, what should I do? The Doctor told the man, "Don't raise your arm into the air like that"

How bad was that one?


Xenon, I really liked your joke, thumbs up. It reminds me of the time my school counselor said to me "You are so very smart, why don't you apply yourself more?" So I asked him, "If I was so smart, wouldn't I be applying myself more?" He smiled and just stared at me awhile. Do you think he thought I was applying myself then?

2007-01-19 02:34:59 · answer #2 · answered by Garret Tripp 3 · 0 1

The Purina Diet
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

2007-01-19 02:32:00 · answer #3 · answered by kitkat1640 6 · 0 1

Ok your driving along in your sports car and to the left of you is a 2ft drop, to the right is a fire truck going the same speed as you and in front and behind you are horses going the same speed as you. What do you do to get out of this situation?

Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round

2007-01-19 02:32:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

A male and a female egg are boiling in a pan.

Female egg-Look I have a crack.

Male egg-No use telling me ,Im not hard yet.

P.s-If youve had a bad day,along with the joke,Il give you a hug.
God bless you.

2007-01-19 02:30:25 · answer #5 · answered by Isha 3 · 1 1

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."
____________________________________________

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

2007-01-19 02:32:09 · answer #6 · answered by Vampire <3 1 · 1 1

What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

"Kurds" in their "whey."

How does Representative Mark Foley keep his place in the books he reads?

He bends the "page" over.

A pirate has docked his ship in Brooklyn and detaches his ship's wheel to avoid theft. He has no place to put it while he enjoys his furlough, so he sticks it down the front of his pants. The wood is coarse and full of splinters, so it causes bad discomfort to him. He saunters down Flatbush Avenue and catches the attention of a passerby who says:
" Hey, you know that you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
The pirate replies:
"Yarr, I know. It's driving me nuts!"

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard...I just got laid last night.

2007-01-19 02:37:37 · answer #7 · answered by RoninShonen 5 · 0 1

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels
>that
>The old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer
>bought one
>Young cock from the market.
>
>
>Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together
>towards
>Productivity.
>
>
>
>Young cock : What ya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be
>Retired.
>
>
>
>
>
>Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help
you
>With some?
>
>
>Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
>
>
>Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if
>I
>Win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I loose you will have
>all.
>
>Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
>
>Old cock : 50 meter run. >From here to that tree. But due to my age,
>I hope
>You allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
>
>
>
>Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

>
>Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock
>to
>Start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young
>cock
>Chases him with all his might.
>
>
>Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
>Suddenly, Bang! ..... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was
>shot
>Dead by the farmer, who cursed, "What the hell??!! This is the fifth
GAY
>Chicken I've bought this week !"

2007-01-19 02:41:34 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

In class the teacher says "Today, the word is urinate. I would like all of you to use this word in a sentence".
The first kid gets up and says "Last night before I went to bed, I urinated"
The teacher then says "That’s close, but the word is urinate, not urinated."
The second kid gets up and says "Last night before bed, I was in the bathroom urinating."
"That’s close again," the teacher says "but the word of the day is urinate."
Little Johnny then says "Teacher, your pretty cute, I wouldn't give you a ten, but urinate!"
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Many students are sitting in their classroom.
The teacher then gets up and says "The word of the day is fascinate, I would like everyone to use this word correctly in a sentence".
One kid gets up and says "I say a meteor shower last night and I was fascinated"
The teacher replies "That’s close, but the word is fascinate, not fascinated"
Another kid gets up and says "I saw that meteor shower, it was fascinating"
Then the teacher replied "that’s close, but like I said, the word of the day is fascinate, not fascinating"
Finally little Johnny gets up and says "Teacher, I know this girl who has a dress with ten buttons, but her rack is so big she can only fascinate"
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In history class one day, a pop quiz was given by the teacher. "I'll give you a famous saying and you tell me who said it, and it and what year".

First question, "Give me liberty or give me death" who said that.

A few kids put their hands up and she calls on Kiko, the Japanese exchange student. "That was Patrick Henry in 1775." she says.

"Very good," says the teacher. Next is "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"

This time Kiko is the only one to put up her hand.

"That was JFK from his 1962 inaugural speech." she says.

"Very good," says the teacher. "But I'm ashamed of the rest of you. Here's a foreign exchange student that knows more about our history then you do!"

A voice from the back of the room whispers "Damn foreigners!

Immediately, the teacher asks "Who said that?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says "Douglas McArthur 1945!!!"
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking". Then Little Johnny says, now I have a question for you. "There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? "

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

2007-01-21 07:19:42 · answer #9 · answered by Jeremy© ® ™ 5 · 0 1

Who robbed the paper clip store?

The rubber bandit!

2007-01-19 02:29:20 · answer #10 · answered by radioflyer 5 · 0 1

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