How long did it take?

Question

How long did it take for you to get over an ex...who lied or cheated on you? And why is that even though they hurt us we still care about them? Its been over 6 months...I cant seem to let go of the betrayal.:(

Answer 1

To enter a relationship that isn't purely about sex and not give all of yourself into the relationship is to cheat both you and your lover. You gave your all, he took your trust and soiled it. That is what makes it so hard to get over the bitterness. It's hard to open yourself up fully to another human being because of just that risk.

On the flip side you'd not fallen in love with him at all if he didn't have awesome qualities. How much of the "him" that is how you see him is really true is a question. All human beings relate to their world by experience. We understand other human beings by projecting parts of ourselves upon them. If we are a kind person and we think another person is kind, we think they are kind in the same way we are. They might have had very selfish or sinister motivations for the acts and or words that made us think that there was something in common between us. I suspect that if you look more closely at this guy you'll find out he's not quite what you thought he was. The rose colored glasses make him better than he really is. Still even with an objective view there is likely much to like about him. That part hasn't changed. Despite his misdeeds, he still has qualities you like and or admire.

A second aspect is that when you truly give your heart, a piece of you is forever gone. A piece of them will forever live in you.

Takes time to hearl

The last aspect is that it's hard to move on. It means taking that chance yet again. Opening yourself up again. Odds are to get hurt again. Yet if you don't risk it then you suffer the worst hurt of all, that is to go through existence alone. To not live in the heart of a special person. To risk giving up on a soul mate who might be right around the corner. Might be tomorrow, might be ten years from now. If you stop trying that is the only time when it will never happen. For a time the pain will make it difficult to look elsewhere. Each person you share a life with filled certain holes in your life. Created a wholeness that is no longer there when you break up. That alone makes you feel isolated from the world in a strange way. Many people feel like the failure of a relationship is all their fault. Rarely is one person the whole reason for a relationship to fail, though liars and cheaters are the main kinds of people who can single handedly destroy a relationship. Odds are you personally did nothing to cause the relationship to fail and the odds are that you have at one time or another second guessed yourself. Though what if. In this case, there is likely nothing you could have done that would have changed the outcome. People who decieve, especially in matters of love do not actually open up. They don't feel people. They use them. Most liars and cheaters lie and cheat on everybody they deal with. They will do the same to the next unfortunate to get caught in their web and the next. They do not reform. Do not change. There are deep psychological causes and ones that haven't been researched much less a cure been found. Whatever the case if you blame yourself any you likely are wrong.

If you blame yourself then there comes guilt and a sense of a lack in yourself. Women are especially prone to this. They feel like they failed and that they are unworthy. No idea if this applies to you at all. Takes time for people who experience this to rebuild confidence. Especially with members of the opposite sex. Not talking about sexuality. Women especially have an easy way to affirm such. Talking about feeling confident that she can uphold future relationships. That scars from the hurt will not prevent the necessary trust to have a healthy relationship. That she will not unfairly blame herself for what happened in previous relationships. Men can fall prey to this sometimes as well. If it gets severe enough you start thinking "What do I have to offer anybody? I'm just [insert self deprecitive comments]"

So in short. Time will heal the wounds, take the shine off your ex. Will you hate him? Probably not unless you attempt to get back with him or you find out about other hurtful stuff he has done behind your back or he does something new.

Can you get back with him? No. To do so will only greatly increase the pain. It will eventually turn into a rerun of the first attempt but without the best parts.

Can you be friends. Not if he's really a liar. Liars have no friends. They have only those who believe their lies. Those people fall into the catagory of usable to the liar and those who do not who fall into the catagory of unusable. Liars have no friends. They do not connect with people the way most people do. If they did they would not lie like they do. This assumes that infidelity was not the only thing he lied to you about. There are people who are incapable of fidelity but who are otherwise normal people. While a monogonous relationship is impossible for people like that, they can form healthy friendships. Other than the lying part it is not easy but neither is it especially difficult to turn an ex into a friend. Takes both ex's being adult about things and putting aside differences. Normally it is done only when the two ex's have to have continued contact such as joint custody of a child, being co-workers or in the same social circles. Things of this nature make bitter breakups a problem for both.

When the time is right, you'll find it easy to let go as you've met another guy who is like a fresh wind that blows the stink away from the past relationship. Who show's you a world that is once again bright and interesting. You'll forget about whatshisname and look forward instead of backwards. There are things you can do to help speed this along. The biggest is when you catch yourself brooding take a moment to get it out. Maybe pin a pic of him on a wall and deface it. Make a dartboard over it. When you get angry with him take 1 minute and let it out. Then put him out of your mind period. Do something that will take your mind off him. Might be exercise. In fact you can expend that anger into getting into the best shape of your life. Might be writing, playing video games, answering Yahoo questions, reading tea leaves. Whatever puts your mind on something else. Brooding is bad. It is like getting sucked into an emotional whirlpool. Once you get into it the smallest things become huge and huge things become almost unbearable. So one minute. Get it out then do something constructive. Make a pact with yourself and limit yourself to say 4 sessions per day when you get to throw darts or whatever you choose to vent your anger. Then after a week make it 3 sessions a day. Then 2 the next week. The 1 and finally a couple times a week. In a month or two I think you'll have sped the healing process greatly. You'll also potentially be in the best shape you've ever been in in your life. Which won't hurt when getting back into the dating scene :) It also has a nice element of revenge. Your ex gets to eventually know just how much you've improved since you were with him. Whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally spiritually or financially. Depends on what area of life you used as a positive way to vent that anger.

Hope this helps.

Answer 2

If you are young it seems to take an eternity....but I'm here to tell you that you do have choices that can make the difference between long-term grieving (not getting on with life-- denying yourself joy) and stepping out again with a new perspective. If you truly want to speed the process up-- if you feel like you've had quite enough obsessing and crying-- I recommend you try a cool energy therapy to get yourself back into the land of the living and loving again. It's called Emotional Freedom Technique and it is easy to learn and easy to apply. You can read a little about it here http://tinyurl.com/ykqdqu and download the basic manual for free (scroll to the bottom). All the best!

Answer 3

I think it has alot to do with how you perceive yourself in this situation. He hurt you and betrayed your trust and that must hurt alot and also take a very huge tole on your self esteem and your self indentity. You need to realise that it's over, and although it hurt alot and may still hurt you have to deal with those emotions that you never dealt with before. Holding on to something, especially hurt only hurts you more, it makes you dwell on the fact of how upset you are at the situation rather than picking yourself up and saying "Ok, this has happened to me, but now it's over."

You have to realise that not all men are like that, and I know it's hard sometimes not to see it, but you know the qualities that your ex had, so you know what to look for. The best way to get over someone is to find someone new (however cliche that may sound). It would allow you to realise you can get someone new, you can have a healthy relationship with someone that isn't him.

So my advice to you is, go out more, meet new people, seek the support of your friends and let them know you are ready to move on and you need their help. Love yourself and who you are those are the most important steps to self healing, especially in a situation like this.

I hope this helps.

Answer 4

ok honey...It will take a while. ESPECIALLY if you had, in your mind or together, made long term plans. The main thing is to let yourself know you have a right to be mad. It be hard at times, thinking that he really loved you and made a mistake. Sure, he may have and might still, but the fact is, somewhere deep down he didnt respect you or your relationship enough to consider your feelings or the consequences of his actions. Go ahead, be angry. You were betrayed. It is ok. I was so very much in love with a man, years ago. Dated for a couple of years, and then was engaged. He did this to me, and I took him back. Big mistake, but I was young and in love and nieve. As stupid as it sounds, that damn wilsonphilips song, Hold on, came on one day, and buddy, I held on. I held on for one more day, then one more, then one more, and things did go my way. Now, what I will tell you to focus on is that there is a blue horizon out there, just waiting for you. Things you haven't even considered yet are possiblities. You deserve much more than to be disrespected. You gottta respect yourself enough to move on and expect more. take care, and best wishes. Keep your expectations up, and hold on.

Answer 5

i couldn't let go of my first boyfriend for over a year. when you're young, breaking up hurts more than anything you ever experienced. you know the song "the first cut is the deepest"? you'll get better about it. you'll realize it's not a loss to be rid of somebody that did not treat you right. to make it a little easier, maybe write a list with everything he did to you or that simply annoyed you about him. read it, often. and get ANGRY. enlist a friend to tell you every time you think about him that he was an a** and good riddance. i hope you'll feel better soon and that in your next relationship you will be happy and respected!

Answer 6

I think you still thinking about him is because deep within your subconscious, you still think that he feels guilty for cheating you and he still loves you.
However, on the second thought, if he loves you he won't be cheating at you at the first place.
Maybe is a mistake, but to tell you the truth, men has enough brain to think of his consequences of his actions.
Probably now you must be thinking why has he cheated on you?
I think the guy who cheated on you knows well what he was doing.
Just forget about that guy. Do something to lift your mind. The opposite of love is ignorance.
You need to tell yourself that you can have a better life without him.

Answer 7

I always feel bad when I skip a long question,so I tend to at least run over the text just to know what's going on in the question

Answer 8

I think it is quite normal... one grows accustomed to that person and makes us feel like they are a necessary part in our lives. I still cant get over my ex and it has been almost 7 months. they were just a major part of our lives and we just got used to it. what i recommend is that you keep your chin up and continue going forwards. i know it may hurt, but remember that you are not alone. there are thousands of ppl goin through what u are goin through. i am sure soon u will get over it. good luck and remember that there are many fishes in the sea.

Answer 9

You need to move on. I don't mean new guy, do something to improve yourself. You'll meet a new guy and find yourself happier than you have ever been. Don't dwell on the past any longer, it doesn't help shape your future. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think for every month you dated that is how many months it takes to get over the person.